“Theory of Everything” So, do you know what a virus is? Those tiny little things that get into your blood and make you sick, right? You know, it’s funny. Ironic even. We named computer viruses after the medical kind, but it really should have been the other way around. Viruses are code. They aren’t alive. They’re just rogue patches of code. Biology’s way of distributing firmware updates. They inject a strand of code into your cells that overwrites its normal operation. That’s how they make more of themselves. Same way a computer virus works. Exact same way. They find an exploit and run arbitrary code on your system to fuck you up and spread around. Sometimes they self-modify their own code so the immune system won’t catch them next time. Oh, but sometimes they get something right. See, that’s how nature works. It tries random stuff until everything dies off and it leaves only what’s successful. Most viruses are useless. They found some code that works but it doesn’t do anything useful. Just multiplies itself and sometimes kills the host. Not very useful if you ask me. Ever wonder how cells multiply in the first place? They have all those little organelles and shit inside, so much complicated shit, but it’s got no problem making an exact duplicate of all that complex shit when it’s time for mitosis. The mitochondria. The endoplasmic reticulum. The fucking nucleus. It makes two of everything, just like that. No problem. Basic fucking biology. Why? Because the cell nucleus is a virus. Think about it. A nucleus has code to duplicate itself. Has an outer shell and deep inside it has strands of protein that tell it how to function, tell it how to command the entire cell. The code. Just like a virus. It’s just a virus that updated us. Evolved whatever was on this planet beforehand into something higher. And all those organelles? Those are also viruses. Or the payload of a virus, either one. Maybe the mitochondria were just some jellybeans floating around in the primordial ooze. One day it got inside of a cell and it was like “Hey, here’s my code. Now you’re making copies of me every time you duplicate.” And instead of killing the cell it actually provided a benefit. Natural selection. And now nearly every living cell on the planet has them. And it all started when they poured a load of viruses into the primordial soup. They knew exactly what they were doing. They were updating us. Updating the planet. But that was only the beginning. Once the viruses formed cells, they were programmed to propagate. Copy wildly. Each with slight modifications and mutations to their code. Some snap together like Legos. Unsuccessful mutants and combinations died off, survivors lived to propagate more. You know the drill. Few million years later, you got yourself a planet full of animals. And that’s when the next stage of the plan begins. See now, the code had to wait for the right kind of animal. Something that could carry the payload. Takes a while when you’re just smashing genes together and waiting for natural selection to spit out what you need. But that’s how they had to do it. Same code won’t work on every planet after all. Different elements, different weather, different conditions. Different ring of the local solar system. So the prime directive just sat around waiting for something to evolve. And what was the prime directive? To build a bigger virus. And plant that virus into carriers capable of getting it to duplicate and spread. The carriers? Primates. And eventually, human beings. The virus? Well, we call it something nowadays. We call it the prefrontal cortex. Ever wonder how we got here? To be the most powerful species? Building rocketships and computers? Inventing math and science? It wasn’t an accident, I’ll tell you that. It’s cuz of that tumor growing right underneath your forehead. It’s like the brain’s nucleus. Runs everything. Connects everything. Makes all the conscious decisions. You’re not born with it, y’know? It grows. Doesn’t finish growing until, what, age twenty-five or something? And once you start usin’ it, things get weird. Think about it. You don’t go for the easy prey anymore. The low-hanging fruit. The things right in front of your nose. What kind of a sane animal would pass up the easy stuff? Now the tumor tells you about things you can’t see. Things that are invisible. Things in the future. Possibilities. Sacrifices you can make now that will pay off later. It stops your mistakes before you make them. Lets you decide whether to act on instinct or ignore it. Lets you trust math even if you don’t understand it. These are powers that no animal should have. Fucking unnatural. That alone gives us such an unfair advantage that it rises us to the top of the food chain. No, scratch that. We’re off the food chain entirely. Now the food chain is our fucking dinner menu. But that’s what the tumor does. It updates you. It rewrites your code. It controls you. And it multiplies. Goddamn does it multiply. And look at us now. We’re overpopulating our world. And we’re destroying it! Dumping oil in the oceans. Paving all the rainforests. Using our limited supply of helium in fucking party balloons. But that’s the virus controlling us. Telling us to want more. To be more. To dream. To do everything. To take everything. To stop at nothing. It gives us faith in religion, so we’re easy to control. It gives us math and rocket science that we use to maximize profits and drop nukes on one another. It gives us video games so we waste away our fucking lives with no practical skills while the rich run rampant. And we’re melting the fucking icecaps with our industrial shit and cooking our planet like it’s a convection oven. And we can’t stop. We can’t stop. It’s the virus. IT WANTS THIS. Can’t you see? THE FUCKING VIRUS WANTS THIS. IT’S USING US AND WE CAN’T STOP. And why won’t the virus let us stop? Because… because it’s not done yet. Yeah. It’s taking us to the next stage of its plan. Heat. It wants us to make heat. Thermal entropy. All throughout history that’s what it’s been doing. That’s the prime directive. Turn things to heat. Turn everything to heat. Spend energy. Release heat. The creatures who create the most heat are the ones most rewarded. The most powerful. The humans. Because we’re the most efficient at it. We’re the ones best at draining all the heat from the very Earth we stand on with our nukes and greenhouse gasses and nonstop industrial garbage that never ends because we always need more money and more power and MORE MORE MORE. This all happened before. This whole cycle. Go down to the bottom of the ocean and dig deeper. You’ll find them. Layers and layers of ancient civilizations who nuked themselves into nothing. Or cooked themselves. Now they’re just layers of sediment and oil. You think we burn dinosaurs in our gas tanks? But we needed that oil. That’s the whole reason they keep re-seeding the planet every time it turns to goop. To give us more toys to play with to help us destroy ourselves even faster. And how do I know all of this? Because the virus told me. Like I told you. Sometimes they get things right. Sometimes they mutate and do something new. And this tumor right here, behind my eyes… it told me everything. How it was designed. How it was programmed. How it was put here. Where we all came from. And it said to me… “You’re pregnant.” I looked at my fat gut and I said “Nope, that’s just a beer belly.” And it said, “No, not you. All of you. The human race. The world you live upon.” “It’s all still pregnant.” Look. They’re getting to the next stage of the plan. They’re becoming the new virus. It’s inside of us all. And it’s going to hatch. Listen to me. The tumors. It’s in all of us. It’s going to create something. We’re going to become something. It just needs us to destroy our planet a bit more. Little nuclear winter here, little ozone holes there, melt the ice caps… And there’s nothing we can do about it. They control us. You can’t stop. You can’t stop spending. Money. Energy. It won’t let you. You can’t stop pumping shit into the air. And the ocean. You can’t stop fracking the rocks. Y – LET ME GO GET YOUR HANDS OFF ME I’M NOT DONE THERE’S SO MUCH MORE YOU HAVE TO LISTEN --- End patient transcript 03A-601-00031 --- This document and its contents are confidential property of the Central Utah Correctional Facility. If you have received this document in error, please delete and/or destroy all copies and notify the sender immediately.