Author: Alizbeth Erin Younkins
Last saved by: Alizbeth Younkins

Struggles
Chapter 1

Warning!!!: There is t-cest and angst in this and future chapters of this story. Don't like it? That's fine. Don't comment. 

Based on @yknow-fuck 's AU. I have permission to do it. I just hope they like it. 

This is based in the 2014 movie universe. Donatello is both genderbent and transgender. Meaning I took a character that was originally male, made him physically female, but he still identifies as male. Sadly Donnie is reminded of the fact that he is physically female every spring. 

The story will start after the first movie and will contain snippets in time over the two years that passes between the two movies. There will also be a little bit after where I am guessing the second movie will leave off. 

This story will contain moments of sadness and grief. If you cannot handle the idea of what is essentially multiple miscarriages, then I suggest that you do not read this story. 

This chapter did not need editing but future chapters will.

“Donatello!”

Leo had used his full name. That usually meant that he was displeased with something and Donnie had a feeling that he knew what it was. With a slight groan of displeasure, Donnie placed the computer monitor down and waited for Leo to approach. 

After they had defeated the Shredder and his protégé Eric Sacks, the Turtles had set out to find a new lair. They had found an amazing place that was larger than their old home. There was enough room for them to each have their own room and an access shoot that was like a water slide. Donnie even had a large room for a new lab. 

Donatello had his work cut out for him. He had to set up his computer array and security systems, access the city’s mainframe to make sure no workers came into the area, install central air, and tap into the city water supply to make sure they had clean running water. Most of their big appliances were still in good enough condition that they only needed a little repair but beyond the refrigerator, those weren’t very high on his priority list.  

Donnie’s top priority was setting up his computers. He couldn’t keep the family safe without them. Everyone else had their attention set on other priorities. 

Leo closed the gap between them, walking right up to Donnie. “What have we talked about?”

“It’s not that heavy, Leo.” Donnie did his best not to roll his eyes but he couldn’t hide his annoyance. Leo could be such a mother hen at times. 

“It’s heavy enough,” Leo argued and bent down to pick up the monitor. “We agreed that you would take it easy for the next few months. We will handle the move. You and father can help with organization, as long as you don’t lift anything heavy.”

“It’s not like it matters.” Donnie felt a lump form in his throat and had to swallow hard in an attempt to rid himself of it. “With everything we’ve already been through…. We were attacked, drained of our blood, given a boost of adrenaline, fought while sliding down a mountain, entered into another stressful battle and then fell from the top of a building.” He sighed in frustration and adjusted his glasses. “At this point, it just doesn’t matter. It’s not like lifting something heavy is going to make a difference anyway. This year, like all other years, it is a lost cause.”

“Don’t say that.” Leo’s tone had gone from angry to soothing. He sifted the monitor in his arms and looked up at Donnie. “I’m not going to give up and I will do whatever it takes to help you.”

“You worry too much,” Donnie sighed.  

“I care,” Leo corrected. 

Donnie looked down at the ground. “I’ll be fine, Leo.”

“Just….” Leo’s eyes were pleading. “Humor me…. Okay? When all of that happened, it was early spring. They weren’t really developing then. They are developing now, so you have to take it easy.”

“Fine,” Donnie gave in. “I’ll take it easy. But I need to get my computers set up. We have no early warning system anyone can walk in on us. The sensors you let me set up throughout the sewers are no use to me without my computers.”

“Where would you like this?” Leo asked, indicating the monitor. “I’ll stay in here with you and help you set it up. As long as you need me.”

Over the next few hours, Donnie told Leo where to place his various computer parts. There were a few times he had Leo move items back and forth until he was satisfied with their position. Leo followed Donnie’s instruction without complaint. Once Donnie was pleased with the setup, he got to work connecting them. There was no heavy lifting involved so Leo didn’t object but he stayed in the lab just in case Donnie needed something moved. 

When the array was done, Donatello sat down and got to work. Leo lingered for a while but soon realized that Donnie wasn’t going to be moving so left him to his work. 

Losing himself in his task, Donnie had no idea how much time had passed until Mikey walked in with a plate of pizza and a large glass of milk. Don took a moment to thank Mikey before returning his attention to his set of screens. He vaguely remembered Leo checking in on him to remind him to eat. After that Donnie made an effort to eat and drink his milk, despite the fact that he felt full. 

Hours later Raph entered the lab. “You need to go to bed.”

Pulling his eyes off the screen, Donnie looked up at his massive brother. After a few blinks, Donnie had to admit that his eyes felt tired and dry. He needed some sleep. “Yeah. Okay.” Removing, his glasses he rubbed his eyes in hopes of getting a few tears flowing. “The sensors are online. I can call it a night.” When he put his glasses back on, he saw Raph’s hand extended out to him. 

“Let’s go, Brainiac,” Raph said with a slight smirk. 

Donnie accepted Raph’s help up and together they made their way to Donnie’s room. There were boxes and unsorted items littering what was going to be the common room of the lair. Someone, probably Mikey, had attempted to set up the television array on their own. From the looks of it, it wasn’t done properly. Donnie wondered how long it was going to be before Mikey started to beg. 

Donnie’s room was the one closest to his lab, that way he could hear any alarms that happened to go off. Leo’s was the next one over, more or less, for the same reason. 

They entered Donnie’s room and he headed straight for his bed. Raph looked around at the sparsely furnished room with no decorations. “So… are you going for that prison cell feel…?”

“This hasn’t been a priority,” Donnie said with a chuckle. “I’m sure you have your walls covered in those posters of half-naked ladies by now.” 

Raph shook his head and laughed. “No. Those are Mikey’s. He’s the one who’s attracted to human females.”

“You’re not?” Donnie wanted to know. 

“Nah.” Raph looked Donnie in the eyes. “Not my type. I think… I might like guys.”

Donnie felt himself start to flush and had to look away. “So then your wall has pictures of men?”

Raph let out a hearty laugh. “No. I’m not into humans. They’re too squishy. I need someone who won’t break when I’m with them.”

“Oh,” Donnie replied. “Kind of limits your options then.”

A soft smile turned up the edges of Raph’s mouth. “I like the options I’m limited to.” He moved closer to Donnie so that they were only inches apart. 

Chuckling nervously, Donnie shifted from one foot to the other but stayed close to Raph. “Are you still… experiencing the effects of spring?” Donnie was already over it but it wasn’t unheard of for his brothers to take a little longer to get it out of their systems. 

“No,” Raph answered, moving closer. 

Donnie stepped back and turned towards his bed. “Then what are you doing?” 

“Well, I’m trying to let you know how I feel about you,” Raph said, his voice a little taut. 

Turning to face Raph, Donnie did his best to control his conflicting emotions. “How you feel?” Tears fell from his eyes as he shook his head and let out a frustrated laugh. “You’re into males? That’s rich.” Once again he turned away from Raph. “Get out.”

“I’ve always seen you as male, Donnie,” Raph insisted. 

Donnie let out another humorless laugh. “Deep down you know that I’m lacking an important part of being male. That’s why you are attracted to me and not Leo or Mikey. You’re not gay.”

“That’s not true,” Raph argued. With just a few long strides he closed the gap between them and forced Donnie to turn and face him. “To me, you are male. I wish you had all the things that would make you physically male.”

“Do you?” Donnie glared at Raph, unable to believe him. “I highly doubt that.”

“I do,” Raph said sincerely.

“Then why me,” Donnie asked. “Why not Leo or Mikey? If you were really gay then you would be attracted to someone who has a penis.”

“Do you know Leo and Mikey?” Raph chuckled softly, drawing a similar chuckle from Donnie. Raph reached up to cup Donnie’s face and ran his thumb along Donnie’s cheek, wiping away a stray tear. “I… I… love you, Donnie. I never said anything before because… I, for starters, never felt worthy and thought you would reject me. I didn’t know if you were gay. I was also afraid you would react this way.”

Donnie felt himself smile as he leaned against Raph. But he still needed to be reassured. “Do you really wish my body matched the way I feel? You’re not attracted to me… because… you know?”

“Yeah,” Raph whispered, wrapping his arms around Donnie. “It would be nice to be able to… change positions every once and a while. I really do see you as male. Even in the spring. I just saw you as a guy who liked to bottom and lately I’ve found myself wishing that you would to top.”

Donnie pulled back a little so that he could look up into Raph’s eyes. “You would let me top?”

“Let you?” Raph smiled. “It’s something I want. And something tells me that now that you know, you will come up with a way to make that happen.”

“Now you’re assuming that I’m gay and totally on board with this. What makes you think that I don’t like the squishy human women?” Donnie teased but didn’t pull away when Raph leaned down for a kiss. 

Struggles 
Chapter 2

Donatello’s heart pounded in his chest. He had no idea that simply telling his family about the new development in his relationship with Raph would be so terrifying. The fact that they all now sat in silence wasn’t helping. 

Splinter had accepted the fact that they needed to mate in the spring but that didn’t mean he would accept this. In fact, he originally tried to stop them from mating. 

It was when they were thirteen. He tried to have them suppress their urges. It didn’t end well. They all became overly aggressive to the point that they fought one another. It was how Raphael got the scar on his upper lip. So to keep them from hurting each other any further, they were allowed to mate. 

There were rules they had to follow, of course. They were not allowed to be intimate around Splinter, and they had to control their urges for most of the day. Most of all, it couldn’t interfere with their training. 

Splinter would leave the lair in the evening to give them privacy so that they could satisfy their needs. Even though they still tended to be a little more aggressive, mating once a day was enough to keep them from losing control. 

The fact that they were able to sneak out of the lair on the night that they had first met April was because Splinter had left. It was at the end of mating season so they chose to go fight the Foot instead. They got into a great deal of trouble for betraying Splinter’s trust that night. 

“What does this mean for your brothers?” Splinter finally asked, pulling Donnie from his thoughts. 

Donnie glanced up at Leo and Mikey and then fixed his eyes back down on the floor. “Raph and I see no reason to change the relationship I already have with them.”

Splinter took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. “Keep your displays of affection to the confines of your bedrooms.”

“Yes, father,” Raph and Donnie said in unison. 

“Is something troubling you, father?” Leonardo asked, causing Donnie to finally look up. Their father was usually hard to read but Don could see that there was something troubling him. 

“It is nothing you need to worry yourselves over,” Splinter replied, standing up. He looked at each of them and then, once again, exhaled slowly. “This seems all too familiar,” he confessed. 

Leonardo tilted his head to the side as he continued to study their father’s subtle body language. “What do you mean?”

“I have had this feeling only twice before,” Splinter explained. “The first time was when I had found the book on ninjutsu. When I started to study it and practice, it felt more like I was remembering something long forgotten instead of learning something new.” He looked away in a moment of thought. “The second time was when the Foot Clan attacked. It felt like I was reliving a nightmare and I was overrun with the fear of the four of you dying.”

He looked up at Raph and Donnie. “Now it feels as if I have had this conversation before.” He placed his hand on his forehead and closed his eyes as if he was trying to hold onto a memory. 

Donatello and his brothers exchanged looks but none of them knew what to say.

“I am going to meditate on this,” Splinter stated, breaking the silence. “Maybe I will be able to find some answers.”

“Yes, father,” the Turtles said over one another as their father left them alone. 

Once the door to Splinter’s room was closed, Leonardo turned his attention to Raph and Don. “So then…, you two are in a relationship?”

“Yeah,” Raph replied, crossing his arms over his plastron. “You got a problem with it?”

Holding up his hands, Leo shook his head. “Not at all. Just… a little surprised, that’s all.”

“How so?” Donnie wanted to know. His heart was racing. He never liked the truth about his physical gender to be brought up and he feared that Leo was going to make an issue over it 

“All things considered, it’s just… unexpected.” Dropping his hands to his sides, Leo sighed. “I never would have pegged either of you for being gay. And then there’s the fact that the two of you can see each other as anything but brothers.” His hand came up to rub the back of his head. “It’s just a lot to take in.” He then glanced at Mikey as he let his arm drop back to his side. “Then again I never understood Mikey’s attraction to human women.”

“What’s to understand?” Mikey chimed in. “They’re hot. If you’re not attracted to women then what are you attracted to?”   

Shrugging, Leo shook his head. “I’m not attracted to anyone. I don’t desire to be with anyone. The only time I have any kind of urge at all is during mating season. And, to be honest, I would rather that never happen.”

Surprised and in disbelief, Mikey looked at Leo. “You don’t like sex? How can you not like sex? Even when it’s not mating season, I wish I had a fine lady with me. Like April. I’m always thinking about sex.”

“I don’t desire to have it with anyone,” Leo replied. “The sensation is nice but I can manage that on my own.” Mikey made a face but otherwise kept his opinion to himself. 

“Interesting,” Donnie stated. 

“What is?” Leo asked, turning his attention to Donnie. 

Donnie considered his brother. “So you have no desire for a partner of any kind?” 

Leo nodded. “That’s right.”

“I can’t say this for certain,” Donnie said, making sure to choose his words carefully, “but, I believe that you could be… asexual.”

“He’s what now?” Mikey asked. 

“Asexual,” Donnie repeated. “Given my situation, I have done quite a bit of research on sexual orientation and sexual identity. There are individuals out there who, instead of being sexually attracted to one gender or another, simply have no desire for a sexual partner at all.”

“I don’t understand,” Mikey said, looking blankly at Don. 

“Not everyone is on sexual overdrive like you,” Raph further explained a little tartly. He then shook his head as he considered Leo. “I can wrap my head around the sex part, but I will admit that I’m having a hard time understanding not wanting a partner. I like the idea of being able to be close to Donnie. Even if we only have sex during mating season, just being with him gives me a sense of completion. Don’t you want that?”

Donatello’s heart soared at Raph’s words and he couldn’t stop the big grin from spreading across his face. Knowing that Raph was in this for more than just sex, thrilled Donatello. 

“I have a hard time understanding why you feel you need it,” Leo countered. “I have all the companionship I need with my family and our friends. I don’t want or need anything more.”

Donnie laughed. “It seems we all are vastly different when it comes to such things.”

Leo nodded and looked at Raph. “I don’t understand it but if it makes you and Donatello happy, I will not get in the way of it.”

“Thanks,” Raph smiled. 

……..

Donatello looked down at the six round white orbs and knew that this perfection was fleeting. It wouldn’t be long before they started to turn grey and collapse. He ran his hand along the smooth surface, feeling the warmth. It never lasted. 

Pulling his hand back, Donnie shook his head. It wasn’t wise to get attached to them. He couldn’t bring himself to simply get rid of them. They had to collapse before he could do that. As long as they were round, he would keep them safe and warm. 

He covered them with a blanket and wouldn’t look at them again for at least a week. He had work to do. He had all of his systems in place but his work was never done. Something was always in need of repair or an upgrade. 

His work was important. He helped to keep his family safe. His security system was their first line of defense. And it was how he knew they had visitors before they announced themselves. 

“We come bearing gifts,” Vern announced as he walked into the lair with April. 

Donnie exited his lab in time to hear Mikey ask, “Are the gifts small?” Donnie watched from the entrance to his lab as Mikey moved in close to April and had to suppress a groan as he anticipated what Mikey was going to say next. “Or are you the gift?” 

“Numb nuts,” Raph mumbled under his breath as he stood up from the couch. 

April simply smiled at Mikey and shook her head. “No.”

“They’re street level,” Vern replied, unamused as he pointed up. “The station upgraded some of its equipment and I offered to take the outdated tech to the junk yard for recycling. I figured Donnie would like first dibs since he lost some of his equipment when the Foot attacked.”

“Really?” Donnie looked at the clock, it was already night time. It had taken almost all day to lay those eggs. An entire day of work, lost. At least it ended on a positive note. “Yeah, I can go up and have a look.”

“Donnie?” Leo’s eyes asked the question that he could not ask out loud. 

“Everything’s fine,” Donnie assured him. 

Leo knew that it was close to when Donatello usually laid his eggs. Donnie never announced when he did and his brothers never saw them. They knew that if they hatched, he would tell them. He took care of everything, alone, and his brothers knew better than to question him over it. The simple assurance was all Leo needed. 

“At least take someone for a look out,” Leo said in an attempt to make their previous exchange not sound so suspicious. “You know Master Splinter doesn’t want any of us going out alone.”

“I’ll go,” Raph offered, leading the way. 

“I could have been the look out,” Vern mumbled as he followed Raph and Donnie out. Raph responded with a laugh that echoed off the sewer walls. 

It took the trio three trips to unload everything from the van. Donatello had decided to go ahead and take it all. He would be able to use everything in one way or another. Waste not, want not was what they were taught growing up. 

They piled the equipment just outside Donnie’s lab. When they were done, Vern snuck a quick peek inside. “I didn’t see the last one but this one’s coming along nicely.” He pointed at one of the monitors. “Is that a video feed from outside my apartment?”

“Yes,” Donnie answered honestly. “I have surveillance on your place and on April’s. Just in case.”

“I feel a little safer knowing that,” Vern said, as he stepped into the lab. “This is a really awesome set up. I’m impressed.”

Donnie felt the heat rise in his cheeks. “I do what I can.” He knew he was smart and that he had accomplished a great deal with what little he had but it was nice to hear it from someone else. He considered Vern for a moment. The man had his flaws but Donnie knew he was someone that could be trusted. “Can I ask a favor of you?”

Vern shrugged and nodded his head. “Ask away.” Then he smiled an added, “I’m not promising anything though.”

“Do you think you could get me a commercial sonogram machine?” Donnie asked. “A new one.” He turned to his computer and pulled up a website that had the devices on sale. “They run for under a hundred dollars. I have no way of paying you back but it would be useful to have and I can’t find any in the junk yards.”

“For the guy who helped save the city,” Vern said with a smile, “consider it done. Let me know what it is you want and I will get it for you.”

“Really?” Donatello had to suppress the urge to pick Vern up and hug him. “Thank you.”

“Hey.” Vern spread his arms out wide. “We’re friends. Right?”

A sense of relief washed over Donnie as he heard Vern say those words. It meant a lot to him that Vern considered him a friend. Donatello liked the idea of having a friend outside of his family. And it seemed that Vern liked to hang out with Donnie more than he did the others. 

“Yeah we are,” Donnie replied. 

Struggles 
Chapter 3

“As promised,” Vern said as he handed the brand new sonogram machine over to Donnie. It was the first new thing Donnie had ever held in his hands. It was almost a shame that he had to take it out of the box. It would never be so perfect again. 

Donnie turned the box over in his hands. “This is exactly what I wanted.”

“I can’t take all the credit,” Vern admitted and then gestured to April. “As soon as I told April about it she offered to help with the cost. Together we picked out the best we could find.”

“I cannot thank you enough,” Donnie said to them both and headed to his lab. 

“What are you going to use it for,” April wanted to know. “It’s not like any of you can get pregnant.”

Donnie felt a lump form in his throat as he glanced over to where he had his eggs. Swallowing hard, he let out a forced laugh and placed the sonogram device on his desk. “It’s the best device I can get my hands on for looking inside my brothers. It will help me see if there is anything wrong or broken. It’s not the best option but it’s better than nothing.”

“Makes sense,” Vern said with a nod as Donnie came back out of his lab. “It’s not like you can simply go to the doctor.”

“Exactly,” Donnie agreed. “I do what I can for my brothers, as limited as that may be.”

April and Vern couldn’t stay long, they had work to do. There was a series of crimes happening in the city and they were assigned to the story. Of course April jumped at the chance to do it.  

Donnie thanked them again as they left and then headed into his lab, making sure to close the door behind him. It was a simple gesture that let his brothers know to stay out. He opened the sonogram machine and quickly scanned through the instructions. It was simple enough for him to understand. 

Once he had it set up, he took it over to the four remaining eggs. The other two had collapsed within the first few days. With a lump in his throat he squeezed some K.Y. Jelly on to one of the eggs and then placed the probe on the surface. It wasn’t supple like a human’s stomach would have been and he couldn’t push down against it so he was limited in what he could see. But the heartbeat that the device picked up brought a smile to his face. 

Donnie moved the probe around the surface to see if it would pick up anything more. A faint form appeared on the screen but he could tell that it was a baby. Tears filled his eyes as he saved the image and recorded the sound of the beating heart. 

He moved on the second one, repeating the process. Once again he heard a heartbeat and saw an image of a forming baby. His heart seemed to skip a beat. They were alive. 

The third egg proved to be, at the very least, a dud as did the forth, despite the fact that they were both still perfectly round. So it was safe to assume that they had been alive at one point, because if they had been duds from the beginning then they would have turned grey and collapsed along with the other two. 

Donnie cleaned the sonogram machine and put it away before relocating the two dead eggs to the locked chest containing the other two that had collapsed the week before. He tried not to linger on the loss. He still had two. But did he dare get his hopes up?

There was nothing more he could do for them at the moment, so he decided to get some work done. Worry gnawed at his insides, making it hard to focus. It was the same every year. He fussed and worried over the eggs he knew better than to get attached to. Why did he always allow himself to hope?

After a few hours, Raphael slowly entered the lab. “Is it okay if I come in?”

Donnie looked up from his array and nodded his head. “Just don’t touch anything.”

“Does that include you?” Raph said, grinning widely. 

Donnie chuckled and shook his head. Raph saw that as an invitation to come over. He started gently rubbing Donnie’s shoulders and then planted a few soft kisses along his neck. “Do you think that maybe we can start spending some time alone in my room?”

Glancing at the eggs Donnie reminded himself that there was nothing more he could do for them. Leaving them for the night would change nothing. “I think I would be more comfortable in my room,” Donnie replied. 

“Whichever you prefer,” Raph whispered against Don’s neck. “As long as you’re comfortable. I’ll be happy just to be with you.”

Reaching up, Donnie placed his hand over Raph’s. “I’m working right now but we can spend some quality time alone together later tonight.”

“Alright,” Raph agreed with a nod of his head. He rubbed Don’s shoulders a few more times and kissed the top of his head before seeing himself out. “I love you,” he said as he stepped through the door. 

“I love you too,” Donnie replied just before Raph closed the door. Donnie turned once again to look towards the eggs. Anxiety had his stomach in knots. He hated that there was nothing more he could do for them. 

A short time later, there was a soft knock at the door. “Come in,” Donnie called out. 

Splinter poked his head in. “Can I ask a favor of you?”

“Sure,” Donnie replied, turning his attention to his father. It wasn’t often that Splinter came to them for help. “What do you need from me?”

“I need you to research a name,” Splinter explained. “Hamato Yoshi.”

“Is that all you have to go on?” Donnie asked. 

Splinter nodded. “Sadly, yes.”

“I’ll see what I can come up with,” Donnie assured him. If there was anything out there about Hamato Yoshi, Donnie will find it for his father, no matter how deep he had to look. 

“Thank you,” Splinter said, bowing his head. “I will leave you to your work.” A soft smile spread across his lips. “Don’t forget to take a break and get something to eat.”

“I won’t,” Donnie promised as he watched his father leave.  

That night, after dinner, Donnie pulled Raph into his room. It was the first time Raphael had been in Don’s room since declaring his love. He knew Donnie wouldn’t be up for much of anything until he had laid his eggs so he had given him his space. 

Donnie had managed to unpack more of his things so the room was no longer ‘prison like’. Small handheld devices in varying levels of repair littered the top of a mended desk. Posters of space and dark blue cloth covered the cold brick walls. Several strands of white Christmas lights, some of them painted to dim them or make them appear smaller, were hung across the ceiling so that it would look like the night sky; Donatello had even managed to form a few constellations out of them. A lamp that looked like and showed the phases of the moon was hung on the wall furthest from Donnie’s bed. 

When Donnie removed his glasses and dimmed the lights at night, it was easy to pretend that he was outside, under the stars. It helped him to settle his restless mind and get to sleep. 

Donatello walked over and turned up the light on the lamp in the corner. “What do you think?”

Raph looked around, taking it all in. “You need a plush green rug. And maybe one of those things that looks like a campfire and it would pull the whole room together. Being in your room would be like camping outside.”

“That’s what I’m going for,” Donnie said as he walked up to Raph. “As much as I love technology, I need a little bit of nature to help me relax, even if it is fake.”

“I have other ways to help you relax,” Raph said playfully as he leaned in for a kiss. 

Donatello returned the kiss with gusto, feeling his spirits rise. He never thought that he could feel this way outside of mating season. In fact, it felt better because it was something he wanted and not something that nature had forced on him. 

Hands fumbled with buckles and straps as they moved to the bed. Every article of clothing was removed and now littered the floor. 

Without breaking their kiss, they made their way onto the bed. They lay side by side, facing each other and simply kissed. Raph’s hand, resting on Donnie’s hip, would occasionally squeeze and kneed the supple flesh. 

Gradually the hand gravitated downward to Donnie’s backside and then around to trace circles on Don’s thigh. A sudden rush of anxiety had Donnie sitting up. “I can’t.” With one hand clutching his stomach, Donnie stood up off the bed. “I’m sorry.”

Raph sat up and looked at Don in confusion. “What’d I do?” 

Donnie took a few steading breaths. “I don’t want you touching my tail.” He worried Raph wouldn’t understand. This was going to end before it even began. “I don’t even like toughing myself there.” He wrapped his arms around himself and turned his back to Raph. “I don’t mind doing stuff for you if you need it but please don’t touch me there.”

“I don’t want this one sided.” Raph sat with his legs over the side of the bed. “I… I wasn’t thinking. I was moving a little fast. I’m sorry. I can wait.” He sat in silence as he considered Don for a moment. “If you don’t touch yourself then how do you…?”

Donnie felt the blood rush to his face. All thought stopped as he tried to wrap his mind around what Raph was so bluntly asking. “I… I have my ways,” Donnie managed, keeping his back to Raph. 

Raph stood and walked over to stand behind Donnie. “When you’re ready you can show me what you do and I’ll do that.”

“I don’t want you to laugh at me,” Donnie admitted through the tears, feeling ashamed. 

Raph nuzzled the back of Donnie’s neck. “Why would I laugh?”

Donnie’s heart pounded in his chest. “I… made myself a… penis. I use it. I’ve had it for a while now.”

With his nose pressed against Donnie’s neck, Raph took a deep breath and wrapped his trembling arms around Donnie’s middle. “Can… I see it?” Donnie turned in Raph’s arms and looked him in the eyes. Raph looked scared, worried that he was going to say the wrong thing. “When you’re ready,” Raph added, swallowing hard. “We can just kiss more, for now, if you want. Or I can go. Whatever you want me to do.” Leaning forward he pressed his forehead against Don’s. “I love you.”

“I’m sorry I’m being so difficult,” Donnie whispered. 

Raph shook his head. “It’s okay.”

“I love you too.” Donnie placed his hands on Raph’s arms and leaned into him. “I can show it to you and explain how it works.”

Raph heaved a sigh of relief. “I’d like that.”

With his heart in his throat Donnie went over to retrieve his artificial penis. He held it close to his chest as he made his way back over to Raph. “It seems that my artificial night sky is not the only fake thing that I have in my life.”

“There is nothing wrong with this,” Raph insisted, looking down at the item in Donnie’s hands. “So you use this… dildo?”

Donnie nodded. “I don’t like calling it a dildo though.” He felt numb. This was his most intimate secret and he still feared that Raph would think it was silly. “I made it, but I think of it as my penis,” Donnie said, holding it up a little higher. “It’s made of silicon. I molded it as close to a turtle’s penis as I could and kept the color as close as possible.” He squeezed the tip in demonstration. “It’s flexible and soft yet firm.”

Flipping it over, he held up the base where it hooked an extended for several more inches. “This part goes inside me.” He swallowed hard past the lump in his throat. “That way I can… pump the shaft and the part inside stimulates me.”

Raph smiled. “You are the resident problem solver.” He looked the penis over and ran his fingers along the shaft. “Is it something you would be able to use on me?”

Donnie nodded. “We’d have to work up to it though. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“It is kind of big.” The more they talked the more Raph seemed to relax. “Would I be able to push past it if you were wearing it?” 

That question came as a bit of a shock to Donnie. “My cloaca can stretch. Have you seen the size of the eggs?” Donnie spoke without thinking and regretted it right away. Raph had never seen the eggs. Donnie kept them hidden from his family. None of his brothers had ever seen one. “Sorry.” Things were going well and he had to go and ruin it. “That just came out.”

“It’s okay,” Raph soothed, rubbing Donnie’s arms. “We’re both a little nervous. Why don’t we go back to the bed and see where things go.”

“Okay,” Donnie said, nodding his head. 

Raphael turned down the lights before joining Donnie on the bed. Once again they lay facing each other as they kissed and all of Donnie’s tension started to melt away. It was when Raph’s hand covered his that Donnie realized that he was still holding his artificial penis. 

He felt awkward holding it. He didn’t want to drop it to the floor but he didn’t want to ruin the moment by getting up to put it away either. Then Raph started touching it and a full body shiver overcame Donnie. He wished it was real and that he could feel Raph’s touch. 

Raph shifted his position a little, parting his legs. The scent of his arousal filled the room and then Donnie felt something touch his leg. Donnie must have reacted to it because Raph shifted his position again and mumbled an apology. 

Donnie had never actually seen Raph’s penis before. Whenever they were together in the past, Donnie was bent over while Raph took him from behind. Back then they were simply fulfilling a need. Sex was a means to an end. 

Curiosity got the better of him and Donnie reached down to touch it. With a sharp intake of breath, Raph tensed. His hand held tight to Donnie’s shoulder and he bucked his hips in an attempt to get more contact. “You don’t have to,” Raph rasped out. “You can ignore it and we can go back to kissing.”

“I want to,” Donnie whispered back. 

Raph reached down and put his hand over Donnie’s. “I already told you that I don’t want this to be one sided.”

“Okay.” Donnie pulled away from Raph long enough to get the lubricant from the bedside table drawer. He put a generous amount of lubricant on the part of his penis that goes inside of him before putting it in. Once it was comfortable in place, he lay back down and faced Raph. “We can give it a try.”

Even in the dark, Donnie could see the smile on Raph’s face. Raph grabbed hold of both of their cocks and started pumping them together. The rhythmic strokes caused the part that was inside of Donnie to move. The fact that Raph was the one doing it added to the stimulation. 

“Am I doing it right?” Raph whispered. 

“Yeah,” Donnie whimpered his reply. His hand held tight to Raph’s bicep, his fingers digging into the hard muscle. “It feels good.” Donnie moaned as he reached his climax. “Raphie.”

“Oh, Donnie,” Raph grunted followed by a deep churr.

Wanting to be more involved, Donnie moved his hand down to cover Raph’s. After a few strokes, Raph shifted the positions of their hands so that Donnie’s was the one holding their combined cocks.  

Raph’s heated flesh was slick with natural lubricant and pre-cum. A great deal of it was now also coating Donnie’s penis and hand. Raph guided Don’s hand, encouraging him to pump faster. With a deep grunt, Raph’s body tensed and shuttered as his hot seed was released. The sight, feel, and scent of it all had Donnie climax for a second time. This was more intimate than any other time they had been together before and it felt so much better because of it. 

Raph continued to encourage Donnie to move his hand, drawing as much pleasure from the moment as he could. When he was completely satisfied, Raph’s grip relaxed and he kissed Donnie’s forehead. “That was good,” Raph hummed in delight. 

“It was,” Donnie agreed. A sudden sense of relief washed over Donnie and he started to cry. It wasn’t a soft, sniffling sob. It was a full blown, fat tears cry. His whole body shook as he wept and he covered his face in an attempt to contain it. 

Raph wrapped his arms around Donnie and pulled him close. “Why are you crying? What happened? Did I do something? Say something?”

“I can’t believe that you are being so wonderful with all of this,” Donnie choked out. 

“I’m trying.” Raph let out a sigh of relief, squeezing Donnie a little tighter. “I know this isn’t easy for you. We’ll figure all this out.”

“This can’t be real,” Donnie mumbled against Raph chest. 

“No,” Raph pulled away enough to look Donnie in the eyes. “This is very real.”

Donnie could see the love in Raph’s eyes. He felt himself begin to relax and managed to smile. “Stay with me tonight?”

“Of course,” Raph replied. 

Putting cuddling on hold, Donnie got out of bed for the daunting task of having to clean and put his penis away. It was something he was going to have to get used to. Every night of intimacy would end this way. He couldn’t sleep with it in and it had to be properly cared for or it wouldn’t last long. 

Fortunately Raph patiently waited for him and welcomed Donnie back to bed with open arms. 

Struggles 
Chapter 4

Donatello came out of his lab in search of Raphael. He didn’t have to look far. Raph was sitting with Mikey on the sofa in the common room. Michelangelo was in the painful process of giving Raphael a tattoo. The new tattoo covered Raph’s right shoulder and down his bicep. It looked to be nearly done. 

They had been at it for several days now. Whenever they wanted a tattoo, they were forced to use a primitive method of tattooing since tattoo machines lacked the right amount of pressure to puncture their flesh.  Few things were able to keep Mikey’s attention for long. The intricate and delicate process of tattooing his art on his brothers by hand was one of them. 

Donatello walked around the sofa and held out the plastic braces he had made for Raph. “I finished them.” As with most things, it had taken him a while to gather the needed materials to make them.

Raph looked down at the two pieces of plastic in Donnie’s hand. “This is gonna straighten my teeth?”

“This is the first step,” Donnie corrected. “You wear these for a while and then move to the next ones. Each one will force your teeth to move slightly so they will hurt a little. Keep them in more often than not. Take them out to eat, brush your teeth and then put them back in. The more you wear them, the better it will work but you don’t want food to get in there.” Donnie held one up. “This one is the top one. I marked it here on the side.”

“Got it,” Raph said, taking the plastic braces from Donnie. He placed them over his teeth, clenching his jaw a little to secure them in place. “They feel funny.”

“You sound funny,” Mikey chuckled. 

“If you weren’t tattooing my arm, I’d hit you,” Raph growled. 

“Don’t give him a hard time,” Donnie said to Mikey. “I don’t want him not wearing them because you tease him.”

“I won’t say anything more,” Mikey promised. 

“Thank you,” Donnie said, patting Mikey on the shoulder before leaving them to what they were doing. He started to head back into his lab when a proximity alarm went off. Donnie checked the surveillance cameras. “April and Vern are on their way,” Donnie announced. 

“I need a break anyway,” Mikey said, dropping the needle into a glass of alcohol. “My hand was starting to cramp.” He blotted a towel over Raph’s arm to clean off any blood. “I should be able to finish it tomorrow.”

“Good.” Raph stood from the sofa. “It’s starting to itch.”

Raph moved to scratch his arm but Mikey stood and swatted Raph’s hand away. “Wait a sec, bro, let me cover it.” Raph stood still while Mikey covered the tattooed area with ointment and gauze and then secured it down with tape. When Mikey was done he patted Raph’s shell. “Good to go.”

By that time April and Vern walked into the lair. Vern was carrying a large cardboard box that he placed on the table. “We come with more gifts.”

“For me?” Mikey asked rushing over to them. 

“For all of you,” April corrected as Mikey opened the box and looked inside. “It’s just some more clothes.”

Leo stepped out of the dojo. “Why did you bring us clothes?” He walked over to the table and had a look inside the box. Mikey was already pulling articles of clothing out and inspecting them. 

April shrugged. “We figured you could use some more.”

“You are wearing the same clothes every time we see you,” Vern added as a matter of fact. “We figured it was due to having a lack of variety in your wardrobes. That and a lot of you guys need pants. The loin cloth thing is… a bit much.”

“Smart ass.” In a moment of jest, Raph shoved Vern. It was something Raph did often to his brothers but Vern was nowhere near as sturdy as the Turtles were. What would have barely budged one of the Turtles had knocked Vern off his feet. Fortunately, Donnie was there to catch him. 

“Raph,” Donnie hissed. “The humans are soft and squishy. Remember? You can’t be so rough.”

“Who are you calling squishy?” Vern mumbled, holding on to Donnie for support. 

April helped Vern to his feet. “Are you okay?” 

Vern shrugged it off. “I’m fine.”

“Sorry,” Raph mumbled, turning his attention to the box. 

“That’s the best you’re gonna get out of him,” Donnie whispered to Vern. He pulled his goggles down for a brief moment to look Vern over before turning his attention to the box. 

“There are other little knick-knacks in there as well,” April continued, “odd pieces of things that nobody wanted. I had a feeling that you guys would find a way to make use of them.”

“Thank you,” Leo said as he pulled out a pair of pants. 

The guys unpacked everything from the box and laid them out. One by one they started selecting items of their liking. There was some begging and a little bit of bickering but in the end they were all happy with their haul. 

Donatello was a little excited. With the equipment that April and Vern had brought a few weeks ago he was able to reduce the amount he had on his body and had doubled the processing power. On top of that, due to some lithium batteries he no longer needed the solar panels he wore as tassets. He was more than ready to switch to pants. 

He was going to have to make some modifications to what he had but he was sure that the pants he had selected would work. He also managed to get some suspenders and some backpack straps along with belts and buckles that he would be able to use to hold his equipment. 

“Thank you.” Donnie smiled down at the two humans. “You have done so much for us.”

“We should repay you,” Leonardo insisted. 

“Well you saved the city,” April pointed out. “If anything, we still owe you guys.”

Leo held up a finger, gesturing for them to wait as he backed up. “I know what we can give you.” Biting his bottom lip, Leo turned and trotted off. 

“You really don’t need to give us anything,” April called out after him but Leo didn’t stop. 

He returned with a small felt bag in hand and then handed it over to April. “Here.”

“What is it?” April asked as she opened the bag. 

“Diamonds and other stones,” Leo replied. “You would be surprised how many pieces of jewelry we find down here in the sewers.”

“Like this,” Mikey chimed in, showing off his recently found gold chain necklace. 

“Most of the time, Donnie melts down the gold to repair electronics,” Leo continued and then gestured to the bag. “We don’t really have any need for the stones. Donnie kept a couple of diamonds for cutting purposes but we have more than he needs. So you can have them.”  

Vern reached out for the bag. “We’re splitting those. Right?”

Rolling her eyes, April put the bag in her pocket. “If anything we will use the money we get from selling these to get you guys some new supplies.”

“Yeah, of course.” Vern smirked and let out a scoff. “I just meant that we need to split them up to sell so you don’t draw unwanted attention trying to sell them all yourself.”

“You know the value of diamonds is artificial,” Donnie pointed out. 

Vern scoffed again. “Like that matters. Pretty girls like the overpriced, sparkly rocks so guys like me are willing to pay the outrageous price in order to gain their favor.”

“I’ll let you keep one,” April promised with a smile. 

“That’s all I ask,” Vern replied.

After their two human friends had left, Donnie took a printout of all that he could find on Hamato Yoshi to Splinter. “This is all the information on Hamato Yoshi that is on the internet,” he said handing the small stack of papers to his father. “It’s a tragic story.”

Splinter had been meditating quite often lately, spending hours a day in his room. Donnie and his brothers rarely saw him outside of training. He took the papers and looked up at Donnie. “You’ve read it?”

“Yes.” Donnie nodded. “In short, he was born in the mid nineteen hundreds. He and his wife, Tang Shen ran a dojo. He was a master in ninjutsu. His top students were his teenage son and three other boys. They were all found slain in the dojo. Their killer was never found. The only reason it was even in the news was because one of the boys was the son of an American General, stationed in Japan.” Donnie gestured to the stack of papers. “I managed to find a photo that was taken after Yoshi’s students had won a tournament. That was all I could find.”

“Thank you, my son,” Splinter said softly with a distant look in his eyes. “I believe that there is more to this story.”

“Why did you want me to do a search on him, father?” Donnie wanted to know. “How did you even know of him? Was he the one who wrote the book on ninjutsu you had found?”

Splinter shook his head and his black eyes looked up to focus on his son once again. “I believe he is somehow connected to us.”

“How so?” Donnie asked. “He died in nineteen eighty. That’s even before April was born.”

“I do not know,” Splinter admitted, looking down at the documents. He placed his hand over them. “However, I hope that one day I will.”

“I will leave you to it then,” Donnie said as he turned to leave. “If you need anything else, I’ll assist you in any way I can.”

“Thank you,” Splinter replied. “I will keep that in mind.”

Donatello headed back to his lab. He was eager to try on his new pants and figure out a way to keep his gear on his back. But first, it was time to check on the eggs. Closing the door as soon as he entered his lab, Donnie headed straight for the sonogram machine. 

He pulled the blanket back to reveal the two eggs that were nestled in a bed of wet peat moss and algae. They were about a month away from being ready to hatch. 

He scanned the first egg only to discover that there was no heartbeat. A lump formed in his throat as tears filled his eyes. A sense of dread washed over him as he turned to scan the second egg. 

Hands shaking, he couldn’t bring himself to set the probe to the surface. Donnie took a steading breath and swallowed hard before he was able to do it. He slid the probe over the surface but the device remained silent. 

He couldn’t stop the cry of sorrow that escaped him. 

Crumpling to the floor, Donnie covered his mouth to try to stifle the sobs. It hurt to breathe and he felt like he was going to be sick. He had done everything he could think of to keep them alive but nothing worked. They were dead. He cried uncontrollably and eventually numbness took over. 

Donnie had no idea how long he sat on the floor, staring at nothing. All he knew was that his eyes burned and his throat was raw. With some effort he managed to get his mind and hands to work together enough to put the sonogram machine away. 

The eggs felt heavy as the picked them up and placed them in the chest with the others. The smell was almost enough to make him sick but he managed to get the lid closed before it really started to get to him. 

After taking a few moments to compose himself, Donnie picked up the chest and headed out of his lab. He didn’t look at anyone as he walked through the lair towards the exit. No one tried to stop him as he headed out on his own. 

His own footfalls sounded distant to him and his eyes remained unfocused. Despite being in a state of shock, Donnie found his way to the spot he visited every year. 

The old, abandoned subway station was cold and wet. There were places where the stone floor was broken and the dirt underneath could be accessed. It was in these spots where Donnie buried his children. 

He tested the stone with his foot, looking for a spot where it was loose. When he found an acceptable spot, he knelt down, moved the chunk of stone and started digging. 

When the hole was deep enough, Donnie opened the chest and started placing the eggs inside along with some fabric and wood shavings. 

He had to know why it had died. So he opened one of the eggs that had lasted the longest to examine the body. The thin shell was already starting to soften so it took little effort to get it open. 

Donnie’s chest tightened as he took in the sight of his deceased child. It was so small, thin, and, from the look of it, would not have been able to survive if he had hatched it early. His vision blurred and he had to wipe the tears from his eyes to continue his examination. 

As he had feared, the yolk sack was diminished. The baby had starved. He had tried to incubate them in a nutrient rich environment, he had eaten as much as he could as they formed inside him, but it was all for naught. 

He looked down at the tiny body cradled in his hands. “I’m so sorry.” Holding it close, Donnie allowed himself to cry once again. 

Reluctantly he placed the small body in with the others. Why had he allowed himself to hope? He should have known better by now. He struck a match and set it to one of the bits of fabric. Since he had soaked the fabric in a flammable liquid, it quickly ignited and spread.  

It took several hours but Donnie sat there and waited for the flames to die out. The smell was hard to handle at first, it always was, but he was eventually able to block it out. When the flames finally died, he covered whatever was left with dirt and placed the slab of flooring back in place. He then pulled out a small chisel and carved a number five into the stone. 

With that done, Donnie moved around the room. He stopped at each small grave and sang to them. 

“Hush, Hush, Hush,
Says your daddy’s touch.

Sleep, Sleep, Sleep, 
Says the hundred sheep.

Peace, Peace, Peace, 
My you go in peace. 

Oh, maybe next time 
You’ll be Henry the Eighth. 
Wake up tomorrow 
Alexander the Great

Open your eyes 
In a new life again
Oh maybe next time
You’ll be given a chance.  

Hush, Hush, Hush”

He looked at each stone slab with a number etched into it, counting down to the first one. There had only been two eggs that first year. Only one of them had been fertile. 

“You take care of your little brothers and sisters,” Donnie whispered as he placed his hand on the cold stone. “I hope one day you can forgive me. Maybe then I will be allowed to keep one of them.” His voice got stuck in his throat and he had to take a few deep breaths before he was able to speak again. “I’m sorry. I should have known better.”

He lay down over the small grave. “Maybe it’s better this way. If you had been alive when the Foot had attacked, they would have taken you too. You would have either been killed or they would still have you. They would be training you to be the soldier they wanted us to be.” He kissed the stone. “I love you, Nozomi.” 

It was well past midnight by the time Donnie had returned to the lair. He walked into his lab and cleaned the chest, leaving it open to dry. He would deal with the incubators later. All he wanted to do now was try to sleep. Nothing else mattered. 

Donnie made his way into his room and closed his door. With a heavy heart, he fell into his bed. He wasn’t there long before he heard his door open. “Go away,” he barked without turning to see who it was. 

The door closed and a few moments later there was someone in bed with him. “I said, go away,” Donnie rasped out. 

Strong arms wrapped around him and held him close. “We don’t need to talk about anything,” Raph said. “Just let me be here for you. You don’t have to go through this alone.”

Donatello turned in Raph’s arms and curled up against his plastron. Despite how dry his eyes felt, more tears fell. There was comfort in having Raphael there. It helped him to be able to settle down and fall asleep. 

Struggles 
Chapter 5

Donatello had mourned his lost children but he knew he couldn’t linger on it for long. He had allowed himself a few days of deep depression, staying in his room for most of the day.

It was good that nothing of any significance happened in that time and that April and Vern were so wrapped up in work that they were unable to visit. So the Turtles didn’t need to come up with any excuses for what was going on with Donnie.  

They were able carry on the way they did every year. The only difference this year was that Donnie had allowed Raph to be there for him. Donnie had to admit, having Raph there helped a great deal. But now the process was done and it was time to get on with everyday life.
 
When he did emerge from his room for the first time in almost a week, no one treated him any differently. They mumbled their good mornings as Donnie walked into the kitchen. It was the way he wanted it. It was better than lingering on it and his brothers knew better than to bring it up or to dote over him.

He threw himself into his projects, losing all track of time. Maybe it was still part of his depression but at least he was being productive and contributing to his family. 

Donnie was in the process of repairing Mikey’s custom skateboard when Splinter entered the lab. Donatello didn’t have to ask what it was his father wanted. There was only one reason his father would be visiting him. There was only one thing he needed to know in order to help him. “What name would you like for me to research, father?” 

“The general whose son was killed along with Yoshi and the others,” Splinter answered. He entered the lab and looked around at the many projects in various degrees of completion. “I hope that my requests aren’t a bother for you.”

“Not at all,” Donnie assured him as he set the skateboard aside. “I am more than happy to help you in any way I can. I will get the information for you. I might have to hack into some highly secure systems to get it. He was military after all and high ranking on top of that. So it might take a little longer.”

Donatello wrote down the general’s name on a sticky note and placed it on his computer as a reminder to do the search. It was his way to insure that it would get done sooner rather than later. He tended to focus on one thing and forget about others for a while but he checked his computer often out of habit.

“Take your time,” Splinter replied. “There is no rush. Thank you.” He hesitated a moment as he turned to leave. He took a few steps towards the door and then turned back around. “Are you alright?”

Donnie looked down at his desk and nodded his head. “I’m okay.” He glanced over at his father without turning his head. “I’m managing.”

Splinter’s brow creased with worry. “I know you don’t like talking about it but bottling it up will do you no good. I hate to see you suffer.”

“I’m working on a solution,” Donnie replied without looking up. “I believe I have everything I need. If it works, then my suffering will end.”

“I will leave you to it then,” Splinter said and then saw himself out. 

….

It took Donatello over a week to compile all of the information on the general. And truth be told, he dug deeper than was necessary. Donatello was becoming fascinated with the story. It was his own curiosity that had him digging as deeply as he could. 

What had drawn him in was the name of the general’s wife, Nozomi. It was like a punch in the gut when he read her name. It couldn’t have been a simple coincidence. Could it? He wanted to know all that he could about the man and his family. 

In the end, what he found for Splinter was that the general had been placed in charge of the mutagen that had been kept in a US military facility in Okinawa. The mutagen was of alien origin and had been found in Japan. The US military quickly stepped in and took control of it. It went missing only three days after the general’s son and the others had been killed. Nineteen years later that same mutagen was used by Sacks and Mr. O’Neil to mutate Donnie and his brothers. 

The whole thing gave Donatello goosebumps. 

After setting the extra research he did for himself aside, he took his findings to his father. “I think Yoshi and his students were killed so that Shredder and Sacks could steal the mutagen,” Donnie stated as he walked into his father’s room. 

Splinter had been meditating but his eyes snapped open and he quickly got to his feet. “What?” He reached out for the papers. “Let me see those.”

“I’m assuming, of course,” Donnie admitted, licking his lips. “But the facts make it hard to believe that it isn’t linked.” 

Donnie stood in silence while Splinter scanned over the documents. “It does seem that way,” Splinter agreed after several minutes of reading. 

Donatello nodded. “After the mutagen was stolen the general discovered that his keycards were missing from his home. However, there was no evidence of a break in.”

“Suggesting that it was possibly done by skilled ninja,” Splinter continued the line of thought. “They knew that in a situation of distress the general would have been given time off from work. Since he would not be working, the security passes would be locked up in his home.”

“So they killed his son to make that happen,” Donatello stated. “The general’s son was the main target. Yoshi and the others were simply collateral damage.”

Sighing, Splinter shook his head in sorrow. “The Shredder and Sacks were both ruthless enough to do such a thing.” He looked Donatello in the eyes. “They were willing to kill millions just to get what they wanted.”

“Tell me again, how did you know about Yoshi in the first place?” Donatello wanted to know. “I don’t understand what led you on this fact finding mission.”

Splinter placed the documents down on a small table. “Do you believe in reincarnation, Donatello?”

Donnie shrugged. “I’m a scientist. The concept of reincarnation is… a little too… farfetched to me. The concept is a nice one and I can understand how it would be comforting to believe but… there is no evidence for it, at least nothing concrete.”

“There are times that you boys say or do something that brings forth a flash of memory,” Splinter stated wistfully. “I have meditated on them and on the information you have gathered. And I believe that we are Yoshi and those boys reincarnated.”

“You do?” Donnie was not surprised. His father tended to lean more towards the spiritual side of things. But, instead of arguing over such a philosophy, Donnie decided to humor his father. “Which of the boys do you believe me to be?”

“I believe that you were the general’s son,” Splinter answered. “And much like you and Raphael, the general’s son and one of the other boys came to me to confess their love for one another.”

Leaning in closer to his father, Donnie allowed himself a slight smile and a chuckle. “How did that go?”

“I supported the two of you then,” Splinter replied and lifted his withered hand to caress Donnie’s cheek, “just as I do now.”

“I love you,” Donnie said, placing his hand over Splinter’s. They lingered in the familial embrace for a moment before Donnie pulled away. “But, as fascinating as all of this is, I don’t believe in reincarnation. Maybe you overheard Sacks saying something about Hamato Yoshi when we were still his test animals. Your mind pieced together fragmented information in an attempt to make sense of things.”

Splinter didn’t seem daunted by Donatello’s dismissal of his theory. He simply sat back down on his mat and shifted into the lotus position, preparing himself for mediation. “Just because you do not believe something,” Splinter said, as he closed his eyes, “does not mean that it isn’t true.”

Donnie sighed and crossed his arms over his plastron. “Then why were we made to come back as this? Why not come back as human?”

Opening his eyes, Splinter looked up at his son. “In this form, you and your brothers were able to stop Sacks and Shredder. If you had been human, you would not have succeeded.” 

Donnie dropped his arms to his sides and shrugged. “It’s hard to argue with that.” Not in the mood to debate his father, Donnie turned to leave. “Enjoy your meditation, father. I have to get back to my projects.”

“Did you research the general and his family more than needed?” Splinter asked, causing Donnie to pause mid-step and turn to look at his father. Chuckling, Splinter smiled. “Judging by your reaction, I would say, yes.”

“I wanted to be thorough,” Donnie fibbed a little. “So you would have all the information you needed.”

Splinter tilted his head to the side. “Are you sure that was the only reason? Or maybe there was something that struck a nerve and prompted you to dig deeper?” 

“There was something that grabbed my interest,” Donnie finally admitted. “But it’s not something that I want to get into.”

“I will respect that,” Splinter said bowing his head slightly. “All I ask is that you do not dismiss the possibility that I am right so easily.”

Donnie nodded in agreement. “I will… do more research into the matter.”

“You can do that. However, some answers cannot be found in a book and must be found within.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Donnie promised as he saw himself out. 

Struggles
Chapter 6

Donnie poked his head out of his lab. “Raph!” he called out, hoping he wasn’t going to have to search for his brother. 

“What?” came Raph’s grunted reply. 

 “Can… can you come here,” Donnie hollered back. “I need your help with something.”

Raphael emerged from the dojo. From the look of him he had been working out. Raph shook out his tired muscles and stretched his neck as he made his way across the lair. He was wearing nothing more than a pair of shorts. The rest of his gear had been removed to be washed and mended. 

Donatello was captivated his brother’s movements, the swagger in his step, the way his large muscles moved and flexed. It filled him with a desire that was greater than the need spring brought every year. Donatello could watch Raph all day if it was possible. His heart raced, knowing that he had full access to that body, a fact that he intended on taking full advantage of. 

“What do you need?” Raph asked as he got close. 

Donnie felt his temperature rise and licked his lips. “I need to take a few measurements.” 

Raph lifted an eye ridge. “Of what?”

A sudden rush of embarrassment overcame Donatello. He couldn’t keep his mind on the science of the situation when Raph was involved. Donnie stifled a giggle and had to look down to hide how flushed he was. “Of parts of you.” He knew very well what his experiment was going to lead to. It was unavoidable. Once he got Raph worked up to get when he needed, Donnie would have to make sure Raph got his happy ending. “One part of you actually.” Donnie’s heart was pounding. “It will require you to remove those shorts.”

“Oh?” Raph chuckled. “I wonder what part of me you want to measure that has you blushing like a virgin.”

“It’s for science.” Donnie playfully pushed Raph away. “Are you gonna help me or not?”

“Well if it’s for science.” Raph placed his finger under Donnie’s chin and tilted Donnie’s head back so that they were looking in each other in the eyes. “How could I say no to you?” He leaned forward for a soft kiss. Donnie could taste an underlying desire in that kiss, a desire that rivaled his own. 

His head was swimming and he could have lost himself in the kiss. But then he remembered Splinter’s rules. Pulling away, Donnie looked around to see if anyone saw them. “Not out here.”

“Then let’s move into the lab.” Raph started to walk into the lab but Donnie grabbed his arm. 

“Wait. My room will be better.”

Raph smiled. “To your room then.”

“Meet me in there.” Donnie said as he backed into his lab. “There are a few things that I need to grab first.”

Raph nodded. “Okay.”

Back in his lab, Donnie grabbed a plastic tape measure, pen, and note pad. A huge grin was on his face the whole time. Just the thought of being with Raph made him giddy with excitement. 

Once he had all that he needed, Donnie rushed to his room. He threw open the door to find Raph lounging on his bed. The sight took Donnie’s breath away. 

Raph’s shorts were already removed and lay on the floor. His tail was resting casually on the bed between his parted legs. He smiled up at Donnie and gestured down to his tail with a sweeping motion of his hand. “Measure away.”

“Don’t you want to know what this is for?” Donnie asked as he made his way to the bed. 

“Maybe later.” Raph shrugged. “You’ll be messing with my junk for the first time in about a month. That’s all I care about right now.” With a wide smile, Raph wiggled his tail. “Have at it.”

Donnie chuckled. “You’re incorrigible. You know that?”

Sitting on the bed between Raph’s legs, Donnie reached down to thumb over Raph’s cloaca. It didn’t take much to arouse Raph. His penis slipped free, his tip opening as his shaft got harder and longer. Donnie studied the purple appendage, sliding his fingers along the heated flesh to stimulate it to a full erection. It had to be at its peak for Don to get proper measurements.  

Raph bucked and swiveled his hips in order to press his penis against Donnie’s hand. Out of curiosity, Donnie leaned forward and licked the inner folds of Raph’s flared tip to taste his brother’s salty essence. It was something he had been longing to do for a while. Raph gasped, followed by a deep churr. His hand came up to rest on Don’s thigh and he bucked his hips, requesting more. 

Donatello licked and gently sucked the more sensitive areas of Raph’s tip while his hand slid along the shaft. He loved the noises Raph made to indicate his pleasure. Raph’s penis throbbed and a clear liquid seeped from his tip, indicating that he was close to completion. Donatello knew he had to stop or he would never get his measurements. 

When Don pulled away, Raph let out a slight whimper and squeezed Don’s thigh. “I’ll be quick,” Donnie promised and picked up his measuring tape. 

Donnie measured Raph’s length and girth, in several places, as well as how wide he flared. The whole time Donnie worked, Raph squeezed and rubbed Don’s thigh. “It’s not fair that you’re still wearing pants,” he pointed out after a while.

Don tried to swat Raph’s hand away. “I need to focus on this right now and you’re making it incredibly difficult.” 

Raph slid his hand along the back of Donnie’s thigh and squeezed his ass. “Good. How much longer is this gonna take? I really need you to finish what you started.”

Donnie quickly wrote down the last of the measurements and then got up off the bed. “I’m done.”

“Good,” Raph husked. “Now get undressed, get back into bed and thank me properly.”

Running his bottom lip through his teeth, Donnie placed his note pad on the desk, stripped, and rushed back over to Raph. 

As soon as Donnie was on the bed, Raph was on top of him. They kissed while their hands roamed, every touch igniting a need within Donnie. Settling down between Donnie’s legs, Raph made it clear what he wanted to do. 

Conflicted, Donnie started to feel a rise in panic. He didn’t want to disappoint or worse, anger, Raph by rejecting him but he didn’t want to have sex. He wasn’t ready. 

Raph must have sensed the change in Donnie because he stopped. Raising himself up, Raph looked down at him. “You okay? You’ve tensed up.” 

“I’m sorry,” Donnie whimpered and his eyes stung with tears. “I don’t want to have sex. We can do other things, just not sex.”

“Okay,” Raph said softly, caressing Don’s cheek. “It’s okay.” He moved off of Donnie to lie next to him. “What do you want to do?”

Donnie sat up and coaxed Raph onto his back. Licking his lips he leaned over Raph and placed his hand on Raph’s chest. “I can continue what I was doing earlier.”

“Okay,” Raph nodded. He placed his hand on Donnie’s thigh and squeezed. “That was good.”

Donnie leaned down and began licking Raph’s tip. Raph responded with a sharp intake of breath and another squeeze of his hand. Raph’s touch coupled with his permeating musk filled Donnie’s senses, causing his tail to tremble and drip in anticipation. It wasn’t long before his body was demanding attention. 

Raph’s hand drifted up and was soon cupping Donnie’s butt. Then his fingers dipped down to slide under Donnie’s tail. Tensing, Donnie flattened his tail, hard against his body to prevent Raph from going any further. 

“I want to touch you, Don,” Raph pleaded. “I want to make you feel good too. Just think of it as me fingering your ass. Or go get your thing. We can use it again. You know I don’t want any encounter between us to be one sided. I don’t want you to deny yourself.” With a smirk he tugged on Donnie. “Get up here so I can rim you ass. I’ve always wanted to sixty-nine.”

Donnie was hesitant, but his body’s demands outweighed his insecurities. Trembling, he shifted his position so that his knees were on either side of Raph’s head and his tail was over Raph’s face. Raph’s arms wrapped around Donnie’s hips and pulled him down enough so that he could run his tongue along Don’s cloaca. 

The soft warmth of Raph’s tongue caused Donnie to tremble. As much as he enjoyed it, he hated it and he wished it was different. He loved the way Raph made him feel but he wish it could be done another way. ‘He’s rimming me,’ he repeated in his mind over and over until he made himself believe. 

He allowed himself to be lost in the sensation and tried not to think about the details. What little thought remained, he used it to focus on pleasuring Raph. His hands squeezed and stroked the shaft while his tongue and lips lavished the tip with attention. 

Soon Donnie’s mind fogged and all that was left was the giving and receiving of pleasure until completion. 

When they were both thoroughly satisfied, they snuggled up against each other. Donnie rested, nestled against Raph’s side with his head in Raph’s shoulder and a soft smile on his lips. He would rather get up, clean himself off and lay on his back to cool off but Raph had pulled him close. Donnie was in such a good place and so relaxed that he was willing to give in, for the time being. 

Raph sighed in content. “Alright. So why did you need to measure my junk?”

“I’ve finally managed to get my hands on everything I need to make a… uh… reusable fe… female,” Donnie hated using that word, “condom of sorts. This way I won’t have to ask you guys to put a condom on in the heat of the moment. I will insert it and it will be a barrier and prevent insemination. I needed to know how big you are so I make sure it’s big enough. As long as Leo and Mikey aren’t vastly bigger than you, what I make should work for all of you.”

Raph snorted. “Since you’re using my measurements, there will be more than enough room for them.”

Donnie chuckled. He had expected Raph to say something along those lines. He absentmindedly ran his fingers along the center line of Raph’s plastron. He liked the way Raph’s plastron dipped in at his abdomen, just another trait that carried over from natural turtles.

“Do you believe in reincarnation?” Donnie asked out of the blue. 

Raph shrugged in response. “I don’t know. Why?”

“It’s just…,” Donnie sighed. “I’ve been talking to Master Splinter about a few things and it’s caused me to evaluate the possibilities.”

“I’m not the one to discuss the philosophy of such things with,” Raph said. “Maybe this is conversation that is best suited to have with Leo.”

“Maybe I will,” Donnie replied. 

As the euphoria faded, the need to be clean dominated Donnie’s senses. He tilted his head up and kissed Raph’s cheek before getting up. “I’m gonna shower.”

“I need a nap,” Raph mumbled back, his eyes half closed. “I’m exhausted.”

“Okay.” Donnie leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to Raph’s lips. “I love you.”

Raph’s eyes opened and his face lit up with a smile. “I love you too.”

Struggles 
Chapter 7

Donnie knocked softly on Leo’s door and then waited for a response. He needed someone to talk to about this whole reincarnation concept who wasn’t Splinter. Since Raphael didn’t like getting philosophical, Leo was the next best choice. 

“Come in,” Leo answered. 

Donnie opened the door and peeked inside. The room was a perfect reflection of their leader. Nothing was out of place. Items of his former outfit were neatly stored away or hung on the wall. Books were placed on a refurbished case. Donnie was fairly certain that Leo had them in a particular order. The bed was made and the room smelled of incense. 

Donnie closed the door behind him. “Can I talk to you about something?”

Leo was sitting on the floor in a way that told Donnie that he had been meditating. For the life of him, Donnie could not understand the appeal. There were more productive things that could be done with his time than sitting on the floor half asleep. In Donnie’s mind, it was a waste of time that could be used for science. 

With a nod of his head, Leo indicated the spot on the floor in front of him. “Have a seat. There are a few things I want to talk to you about as well, but you first.” He waited for Donnie to sit down before asking, “Does this have to do with father’s theories about us being reincarnated?”

Donnie couldn’t say that he was surprised. Of course Splinter has discussed his theories with Leonardo. They were of like minds. Donnie nodded. “I was wondering what you thought about it.”

“Splinter had me read what you had given to him.” Leo looked off to the side in thought. “I will admit that I did feel a connection to them, particularly Yoshi’s son. It was all hauntingly familiar.”

“Have you considered the possibility that the connection you felt was nothing more than just wishful thinking?” Donatello didn’t mean to so blatantly dismissive but he had to explore all possibilities. 

Leo scoffed as if he had expected that sort of response from Donnie. “I had considered that possibility, yes. But I’ve always had a closer bond to father. This could explain why. And he feels the same.” Leo chewed his bottom lip for a moment before asking. “Didn’t you feel a connection to one of them?”

Donnie took a deep breath and then nodded his head. “The general’s son.”

“You didn’t have much information about the general or his wife in the files.” Leonardo looked knowingly at his brother. “How much research do you have on them?”

Donnie pushed his glasses up and then set his hands in his lap. “I had extensively researched them. I know everything there is to know about them. But I’m still not sure if I believe that they were my parents in a past life.”

“What happened to the general?” Leo asked. “You left that part out of the reports you gave to Splinter. Was he blamed for the theft if the mutagen?”

Donnie nodded. “Since there was no evidence that his home had been broken into, they assumed that he was working with the thieves and he was court-martialed. He spent the rest of his life in a military prison, dying in the mid-nineties.”

Leonardo shook his head in sorrow. “That poor man. What happened to his wife?”

“The general was transferred to the United States to serve out his sentence,” Donnie answered. “His wife followed him here so that she could visit as often as possible. When he died, she did her best to make a life for herself. She’s alive and well working for Child Protective Services here in New York.”

Leo sat in silence for a moment, waiting for Donnie to say more. When Donnie didn’t say anything, Leo leaned forward. “She lives here in New York?”

“Yeah,” Donnie replied then, not wanting to talk about it anymore, decided to change the subject. “Wasn’t there something you wanted to talk about?” 

“Okay, Donnie,” Leo didn’t press the topic any further. Taking a deep breath, he sat up straighter. “I have decided that I no longer want to contribute to your pain. Next Spring I will do my best to control my urges and stay away.”

Tilting his head to the side, Donnie reached out and placed a reassuring hand over Leo’s. “You don’t have to do that.”

“Yes I do,” Leo interrupted. 

“No you don’t,” Donnie insisted. “I have come up with a way to prevent insemination that won’t interfere with the mating process. I have all the data and supplies I need to see it through. You don’t need to suffer on my behalf.”

“You suffer for us,” Leo argued. His eyes were wet with tears he refused to shed. Donatello had no idea that it affected him so much. “I can’t do that to you anymore, Donnie.”

“I’m driven to do it too,” Donnie pointed out. “I’m not suffering during the process. And the… pain that happens afterwards…, I’m taking care of that. Hopefully, I won’t have to worry about it anymore.” 

Leo lifted an eye ridge. “Hopefully?”

Donnie looked down at the ground. He hated talking about these things, admitting to what made him different and drawing it to the surface. “Turtles can store sperm.” He was usually detailed whenever he explained things to his brothers, sometimes overly detailed, but with this he tended to keep it as simple and non-descriptive as possible. 

“For how long?”

“Up to two years.” Donnie glanced up at Leo and shrugged. “I don’t know if I can or not. I won’t know… until… mid-June. But at least I can start the process of making sure no more is collected. I’ve gotten everything started and should have a finished product within the week.” He felt himself blush. “I’ll probably have Raph help me test it.”

Leo smiled, “Things are going well between the two of you then?”

A giddy feeling came over Donnie and there was nothing he could do to stop himself from smiling. “He’s been great.”

“It’s good to see you so happy,” Leo said, his eyes sparkling with joy. 

“He makes me happy,” Donnie admitted. 

Shaking his head, Leo sighed. “You and Raph are an item now. Mikey and I shouldn’t….”

“It’s okay,” Donny assured him. “Raph and I have talked about this at length. He understands that it’s different with you and Mikey than it is with him. And he knows what that driving need is like. He’s not about to leave you and Mikey to suffer through it.”

“I just wish….” Leo shrugged his shoulders. “Why can’t it be satisfied with what I can do on my own?”

“Because the instinctive need is to spread your seed,” Donnie pointed out. “You can’t do that by yourself. Besides,” Donnie smiled, “having someone with you makes it more enjoyable.”

“For you maybe,” Leo countered. “I find it to be more enjoyable on my own.”

“You can’t use what you’ve done with me as a basis for comparison,” Donnie said. “We tend to detach ourselves from the situation. When you’re with someone out of want and not just to satisfy a carnal need, and when you leave yourself emotionally vulnerable, it heightens the experience. You might actually enjoy it.”

“But I don’t want that,” Leo argued. “I have no desire to be with someone else, even if it were an option. Just the thought of being with someone in that way is….”

Donnie held up his hands. “Okay. I understand. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t making that decision because of the situation we are in.”

“I know myself better than that.” Leo leaned back a little and crossed his arms over his plastron. “What if I turned that logic back on you?” When Donnie looked at him in confusion, Leo leaned forward again to look Donnie in the eyes. “Are you sure you don’t simply want to identify as male because if you were male you wouldn’t have to suffer as much?” 

Donnie felt as if his heart had hit his stomach. No longer able to maintain eye contact with Leo, he looked off to the side. “Alright I get it.”

“I’m sorry, Donnie,” Leo said, his voice full of regret as he rubbed the top of his head. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s okay.” Donnie reached up and wiped away a tear. “It was a valid argument and it helped to make your point.” Getting to his feet, Donnie awkwardly made his way to the door. “I gotta get back to work.”

Leo looked up at him. There was sorrow in his eyes. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Donnie.”

“It’s okay.” Donnie forced a smile. “I shouldn’t have made assumptions about you. I’m sorry.” Opening the door, Donnie stepped half way through and then looked back. “I’ll talk to you later.” Leo nodded from his spot on the floor as Donnie stepped out and closed the door behind him. 

Struggles 
Chapter 8

Leonardo walked into Donnie’s lab. “Can we talk?”

Donnie looked up from his computer array. He had been staring at his computer for so long that when he pulled his eyes away it took them a moment to focus on Leo. “Yeah, sure,” Donnie replied, rubbing his eyes. “What’s up?”

Leo shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “I just wanted to make sure we’re okay.”

“Oh.” Donatello adjusted his glasses. He had been expecting this conversation. “This is about the other day. We both said things that were hurtful. I was being insensitive to your feelings and you got angry.” He looked up and smiled at Leo. “You made a good point. Though our situation is unique, it is not the only aspect that determines who we are. I’m sorry that I questioned you.”

“I didn’t come here for you to apologize to me,” Leo said, a little frustrated and moved closer to Donnie. “You question everything, it’s the way your mind works and I know that. I shouldn’t have taken offence. Besides, it doesn’t matter how frustrated I was. I shouldn’t have said what I said. I’m sorry.”

“You’re forgiven,” Donnie said as he stood. When he saw the look on Leo’s face Donnie gave him a reassuring smile. “Really. It’s okay.” He walked over to Leo and offered him a hug. “We’re good.”

Leo moved into the embrace, wrapping his arms tightly around Donnie. “Thank you.”

….

Spring. The time of the year Donnie hated the most. While most people hated the dramatic shifts in the weather and allergies, Donatello and his brothers suffered from an overwhelming instinctual need to mate. 

It was so overwhelming that Donatello almost didn’t care if he was wearing the protection he had spent countless hours to create. Fortunately he had enough control over himself to make sure it was in place before the first of his brothers came to him. 

It had been a long day. They had all woken up feeling the need but they had to wait for Splinter to leave, that night, before doing anything about it. 

It was almost time. Donnie was naked, pacing his lab in anticipation and making sure he wasn’t forgetting anything. 

They had chosen the lab over his bedroom because it had a sink and all of his supplies. There was a cot if they wanted to lie down, though most of the time he was bent over the desk. He didn’t really care how his brothers wanted to do it as long as his needs were met. 

Donatello left the decision on who was to come to him first up to his brothers. It didn’t matter to him. He would take all three of them if they were willing. But that would lead to awkwardness in the days that followed the season. Donnie didn’t want that.  

He had just finished injecting an ample amount of lubricant into the contraceptive when Leonardo opened the door to the lab. Leo was usually first since he was strictly business and just wanted to get it over with. So Donatello leaned over the desk and waited as Leo undressed. 

Leonardo wasn’t selfish but he wasn’t trying to make it last either. Donatello simply relaxed and tried to derive as much pleasure from the brief encounter as possible. It wasn’t hard to do, being in season helped in the process. It wasn’t as good as it was with Raph but it got the job done, several times. 

When Leo was finished he backed away from Donnie and collected his pants from the ground. “You okay?”

Donnie looked over his shoulder just as Leo was fastening his pants. He nodded. “Yeah. Did the contraceptive bother you at all?”

“No,” Leo replied. “It was actually kind of nice.” He watched as Donnie removed the silicon barrier. “Everything okay?”

“I think so,” Donnie answered, taking the device over to the sink. “I don’t see any leaks.”

“Good. I guess I’ll go then. Mikey’s waiting.” It was always a little uncomfortable afterwards. His brothers never wanted to just leave but they knew that they couldn’t linger either so a few awkward things were said before they headed out the door. Leo turned to leave but then stopped to look back at Donnie. “It’s not bad with me, is it?”

Donatello, a little shocked by the question, shook his head. “No. Why do you ask?”

“I care about you,” Leo replied with a sigh and shrugged his shoulders. “You said that it was better with Raph, now that you’re a couple. And, since I just come in here to satisfy a need and I’m, as you said, disconnected, I am afraid that I might be leaving you unsatisfied and feeling used.”

“You worry too much, Leo. I enjoy our time together,” Donnie reassured him and smiled. “This started as a way to satisfy a need that we all had. And I am satisfied. Even though the relationship I have with Raph has evolved, it doesn’t diminish the one I have with you. There is trust, understanding, and mutual respect between us. I don’t feel used at all.”

“Good,” Leo sighed with relief and backed up towards the door. “I’ll go get Mikey.”
 
Donnie grabbed a fresh contraceptive and waved at Leo. “Okay.” 

He had made several of the thick silicon based barriers. They stayed in place inside Donatello and he was stimulated by his brothers’ movements within the textured walls. He barely had time to insert the new one before Mikey came rushing into the room and began stripping. 

“Is it me or did Leo take longer this time?”

“I think your eagerness made it seem that way,” Donnie replied with a chuckle while he finished getting ready. 

“Can we do it on the cot?” Mikey requested. 

“Okay,” Donnie said with a slight nod of his head. “I don’t have any problem with that.”

“Face to face?” Mikey added a little nervously. 

“Um?” What was with his brothers lately? “Sure.” 

“Raph said it was better that way,” Mikey explained rubbing his hands on his legs as they made their way to the cot. “I had asked him if it would be okay if I tried it. He said he had no problem with it and as long as you didn’t mind.”

Mikey tended to be talkative. He would ramble on about one thing or another, his train of thought changing tracks often. He would laugh nervously at his first few churrs whenever they interrupted whatever he was saying. Occasionally he would stop talking all together, lost in the bliss. Donnie found it to be kind of cute. 

Mikey buried his beak in the nape of Donnie’s neck. “You textured it.”

“I did,” Donnie replied, running his fingers through the pattern of Mikey’s carapace. 

“You’re so good to us.” With a glassy look in his eyes, Mikey smiled down at Donnie. “Can I kiss you?”

Donnie nodded. “Sure.”

It was the first time Mikey was quiet during their time together. When they finished, Mikey sat back on his feet at the foot of the bed. “Raph’s right, it was better that way.”

“It is,” Donnie agreed as he got up on shaky legs. He removed the contraceptive and checked it for any leaks. He was happy to note that it held up perfectly. 

“I wish we had more time,” Mikey said as he got dressed. “I kinda wanna lie down and snuggle for a while.”

“That would be nice.” Donnie placed the contraceptive next to the sink after giving it a thorough rinsing. “But Splinter won’t be gone for much longer and we’ve made Raph wait long enough.”

“He gets to have you all year.” 

“Mikey?” Awkward conversations seemed to be the theme of the day. 

Rubbing the back of his head, Mikey let out an exasperated sigh. “It’s not that I want you the rest of the year. You know I’m not attracted to you outside of the season but, let’s face it I don’t really have a chance in finding a human girl. So this is the only time I get.”

Donnie wasn’t mad. He understood what Mikey meant. Mikey wasn’t gay. Even if Donnie identified as female, he had no doubt that Mikey would not be attracted to him. Mikey liked human women. He only wanted Donnie now because of the season. 

“We can ask Splinter to be gone longer for now on,” Donnie offered. “You can come to me last and we can spend more time together.”

Mikey smiled, looking relieved. “That sounds good.”

Donatello knew that the way things were between him and his brothers wasn’t going to say the way it had been. But he wasn’t expecting them to all go through so much of a change within the span of a year. They all wanted something more or something different. This simply satisfying a basic need was quickly becoming not enough. 

He felt bad for Leo and Mikey. For Leo it was an inconvenience of instinct that he could do without but he didn’t want his lack of desire for it to be a burden for Donnie. Mikey wanted it but he desired it to be with someone he found attractive. Sadly their situation made that nearly impossible. 

Raph entered, shortly after Mikey saw himself out, and began to undress. While Donnie finished getting ready, Raph walked over and started kissing along the back of his neck as his fingers lovingly caressed Donnie’s arm and down his side. 

Donnie turned and their lips met in a soft kiss that made his head spin. His heart raced as his body flooded with endorphins. Only Raph had this kind of effect on him. It was made his time with Raph so much better. 

“I love you,” Donnie sighed as they fell onto the cot.

Struggles
Chapter 9

“Yo, Donnie,” Raph said as he entered the lab. “It’s time to finally get out of this lab. We’re going to the game. You comin’? Mikey’s already made the call to Kevin. We gotta get going or the pizza’s gonna get cold.” He stopped when he saw Donnie. “You’re naked.”

“I’m not gonna make it tonight,” Donnie grunted out as he continued to pace in the lab. He could feel the eggs shifting inside him, making their way down. Walking helped with the pain and moved the process along. 

“Do you want me to stay?” Raph took a few steps towards Donnie but stopped when Donnie held up his hand. 

“I don’t want anyone around me right now.”

“Okay,” Raph said softly, nodding his head. “I love you.”

Donnie managed a weak smile. “I love you too.”

Raph started to back out of the lab but stopped. “I just…,” he cautiously approached, “wanna do one thing before I go.”

Donnie stopped pacing and looked up at his larger brother. “What’s that?”

As much as he didn’t want to be touched, Donnie didn’t shy away when Raph moved in close. Fighting the instinct to push Raph away, he allowed his brother one, soft kiss. “That’s it,” Raph said with a half-smile. “Now I can go.”

Donnie let out a soft chuckle despite the pain he was in, pain that seemed to diminish with Raph around. “Have fun,” he called out as Raph headed out the door.

“I’ll tell the others you aren’t feeling well.” Raph glanced back at him. “Won’t be the same without you.”

With Raph gone, Donnie’s mind went back to focusing on the pain. It wasn’t long before he felt the need to get down on his hands and knees. They were coming. He straddled a large dog bed that would cushion the eggs when they came out.  

It was a long, painful procedure to lay multiple eggs. He equated it to being ill, heaving into the toilet and praying that it would be the last time only for it to happen again and again. He lost count of the number of times he bore down. He just wanted it to end. 

He had been at it for a while and was exhausted so when the alarm sounded, indicating that someone was approaching the lair, Donnie simply assumed it was his brothers returning home. The computers were on the outside of his lab, so he couldn’t get up to check them if he wanted to. He remained sitting on the ground, waiting for the next wave of pain to hit, hoping that it wouldn’t. 

“Is anyone here?” a familiar voice called out. “Donnie!?” The door to the lab opened and Vern stepped inside before Donnie had time to react. “Where is everyone?” Vern’s eyes fell on Donnie and quickly filled with confusion and concern. “Donnie? You okay, man? Why are bent over naked on the floor?”

Donnie held up his hand and waved Vern away. “I’m fine. Just go.” Another wave of pain struck, causing Donnie to double over and bear down. 

“You don’t look fine. Are you sick?” Leaning over to get a better look, Vern’s eyes darted back and forth between the dog bed and Donnie. “Are… are those… eggs?”

Donnie whimpered as another egg dropped down, tears stinging his eyes as a sense of dread and humiliation set in. He couldn’t believe this was happening. 

“You’re… laying eggs,” Vern mumbled in disbelief. He started back out of the lab, looking awkwardly eager to get out of there. “I’ll just go….” 

“Wait,” Donnie called out, his voice hitching slightly. Vern had seen too much and he needed to explain what was going on. He didn’t want to lose his friendship over this. “Please. You have to understand.” Donnie kept his eyes fixed on the floor. He couldn’t bear to look up. “I’m physically female.” It still hurt to say out loud. “But I identify as male.”

Vern remained in the lab but stayed close to the door, shifting from foot to foot. “Do… uh… your brothers know?”

Donnie nodded. “They know.” Patting the floor, Donnie shifted his position so that he was sitting. “I think I’m done. Sit. We need to talk.” 

“You wanna talk?” Vern asked, remaining by the door. “Now?”

Wiping the tears from his eyes, Donnie nodded. He continued looking down at the ground as Vern made his way over. Rubbing his hands together, Donnie cleared this throat. “For starters, don’t ever refer to me as, ‘she’.”

Vern shook his head. “Wouldn’t dream of it.” He sat down, leaning back against Donnie’s desk and looked up at the ceiling. “You’re not the first transgender I’ve met.” Pausing for a moment, he shrugged. “I get it. I’m a supporter of the LGBT community.” After a few more minutes he glanced over at the eggs. “So what do you do with them?”

In his exhaustion, Donnie pinched the bridge of his nose and answered without thinking. “First I need to check to make sure they’re not fertile.” As soon as the words left his mouth he wished he could take them back but all he could do was moan. 

“So… then… you um…?” Vern cleared his throat and then snapped his fingers. “That’s the real reason you needed that sonogram thing.”

“Yes,” Donnie admitted covering his face with his hand. His chest tightened as he fought the urge to cry. In that moment of vulnerability he needed to talk to someone who wasn’t family. Before he knew it he was unloading on Vern. 

“They keep dying,” he sobbed. “I don’t know what to do.” Donnie started to cry uncontrollably. “The yolk sack doesn’t last the full gestation,” he squeaked out between sobs, still unable to look at his friend. “They starve before they are ready to hatch. Having them all die makes all of this worse. It’s not fair.”

“Okay,” Vern said, biting his lip in thought as he placed a comforting hand on Donnie’s carapace. “Oaky…. Well… it’s too late to help with this batch but… there might be a way to help with the next.”

“What?” Donnie looked at Vern and saw a look of determination and care on his friend’s face. 

“Have you tried eating more?” Vern asked. 

Donnie nodded. “I eat as much as I can but my stomach can only fit so much, especially when it’s sharing limited space with the forming eggs, and we are limited in what food we can get our hands on.”

“Not anymore.” Excited, Vern stood and started to pace back and forth. “I can get you what you need.” He walked in thought for a moment and then turned to look at Donnie. “We did this whole piece a few years back on what pregnant women need…. I’m sure I can find all that information again. One of the big things was… vitamins. I can get you prenatal vitamins, protein powder and other nutritionally dense foods.”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.” Donnie stood, grunting as pain shot through his still sensitive tail. “They might not be fertile this year or next. I managed to create a contraceptive.” He carefully shifted his weight from one foot to the other, pivoting in one spot to turn and get the sonogram machine. “I need to get these tested and into the incubators.” 

“I can help,” Vern offered. 

“I usually do it myself,” Donnie said, shaking his head. 

“Okay.” Vern backed off. 

Fighting against the lingering pain, Donnie knelt down and prepared the sonogram machine. He placed the probe on the first egg, scanning for any indication of life. It didn’t take him long to find the heartbeat. 

“It’s fertile,” he breathed, feeling his heart ache. “So I do store sperm.” It was just as he had feared. After scanning the delicate eggs Donnie placed each of them into the incubators. “Now I wait for them to die.”

“Donnie?” Vern took a tentative step forward. 

Donnie shook his head. “I’m okay.”

Vern stopped and started to wring his hands together. “So… how long can a turtle store sperm?”

“Up to two years,” Donnie answered in a whimper as a new wave of dread washed over him. “So there is a chance that they will be fertile again next year.”

“Well in that case, you’re gonna wanna start the vitamins at least a month before… um… pregnancy?” Vern looked at Don and shrugged. “Or whatever it is you call it for turtles. Doesn’t matter…. What matters is that you tell me when and I will bring you the vitamins along with all the other stuff. Okay?”

“I guess it’s worth a try,” Donnie said with a slight nod as he wiped the tears from his eyes. “I can’t think of anything else. Thank you.”

With a smirk on his face, Vern held up his hands. “What are friends for?”

Donnie placed the blanket over the incubators and then turned to face Vern. “Why did you come here today?”

“Well,” Vern practically snorted. “Thanks to our little arrangement, I get hounded sometimes. People can’t seem to get enough of the savior of the city. So I came down here, of all places, for some peace and quiet.”

“You’re escaping a girl,” Donnie stated. 

“No,” Vern argued but then nodded. “Yes.”

Donnie smiled at his friend. “You’re welcome to stay as long as you want.” 

“Thanks.” Vern looked Donnie over. “I’ve never seen one of you naked before. It’s… weird.”

“I’ll get some clothes on,” Donnie chuckled. 

“You don’t have to do that on my account,” Vern said quickly and then added with a smile, “but it would be greatly appreciated.”

“It’s no trouble at all,” Donnie said as he slowly made his way across the room. He could barely lift his feet as he walked so they slid against the hard floor. 

Vern watched him for a moment. “Maybe you should lie down and get some rest instead.”

“I am tired,” Donnie admitted, stumbling a little. “Laying eggs is exhausting.”

“Let me help you. I don’t think I can catch you if you fell but you can lean on me for support.” Vern assisted Donnie out of the lab and into his room.

“Thanks,” Donnie mumbled as he flopped down on the bed. Fatigue causing Donnie’s eyes to feel heavy and they started to drift closed. “Thank you, Vern, for not freaking out on me.”  

“You’re my friend,” Vern stated as a matter of fact. He waited for Donnie to get himself situated and then covered him with a blanket. “Sometimes your size and level of intelligence makes me forget how young you really are. Today you reminded me.” Reaching up he gently removed Donnie’s glasses. “That just kind of… you know…. I wanna help. This is too much for someone so young to take on alone.”

“I’ve been dealing with it on my own since I was twelve,” Donnie mumbled, half asleep. 

“Twelve?! What about the father?” Vern wanted to know. “Whoever he is…. I don’t need to know…. Doesn’t he help out?”

Donnie shook his head and in his tired state, divulged more than he probably would have if he was fully awake. “I keep it all away from my brothers. I don’t want to remind them that I’m physically female any more than I have to. It’s bad enough that they are reminded every spring when we’re compelled to mate.” There was little room for misinterpretation. 

Vern wanted to clarify anyway. “So you’re saying… all three of them could be the father?”

“Mm-hum,” Donnie nodded as he drifted off to sleep. 

Struggles
Chapter 10

Donatello sat looking at the chest that contained the six dead eggs. He had a decision to make before he took them to their final resting place. 

A few days after Vern had caught Donnie in the process of laying his eggs, he returned and the two of them had a long conversation. It felt good to talk to someone who wasn’t family and to get an unbiased view on the situation. However, one thing Vern pointed out was how unfair it was of Donnie to keep his brothers away from the mourning process. 

“I know you want to limit how much you remind them of… certain things,” Vern said. “But don’t you think that they would want to say goodbye to their kids?” They argued about it for a while, going round in circles until Vern held up his hands in defeat. “It’s up to you. All I ask is that you think about what I’ve said.”

At the time Donnie simply huffed and dismissed the idea completely. But then, for the first time, he started to pay a little more attention to his brothers. He was curious to see how the whole situation affected them. So he decided to distract himself, while he waited for the fate of the eggs, by observing them. 

The most noticeable difference was that there wasn’t any laughter. The brothers usually did something with one another to occupy their free time. But now they were all keeping their distance from one another. Donatello had thought it was because his brothers were giving him space. He soon realized it was because they didn’t want him to see their pain. 

Leonardo spent more time than usual meditating, the musky aroma of incense filling the lair. At times, Donatello swore that he was praying. 

The rhythmic clanging of Raph’s weights could be heard echoing in the silence. If it wasn’t that, then it was the sound of him punching his punching bag. Donatello watched him from a distance and could see the worry and pain that was etched on his brother’s face. 

But the most heartbreaking was Michelangelo. 

Donatello found him sitting alone, holding an old, mended teddy bear. “One day,” Mikey said to the bear. “I’ll be able to give you to a little baby one day.” Fat tears dripped from his cheeks and he nuzzled against the bear. “I don’t care if it’s mine or not. I just want one to live.”

Slipping away before Mikey noticed, Donnie headed back to his room. 

Now he sat, thinking. In the past, Donnie had been so wrapped up in his own grief that he had never noticed that his brothers also grieved. Donnie had thought that he was sparing his brothers. The truth was he was being selfish and doing them a great disservice by keeping them out of the process. 

Donnie removed his glasses and wiped the back of his hand across his eyes before putting them back on. As hard as it was for him, Donnie knew he could no longer deny his brothers a chance to say goodbye. 

Taking a deep breath to settle his nerves, Donnie got to his feet, picked up the chest, and made his way out of his room. He first spotted Leo, who noticed the chest in Donnie’s hands and looked away. 

Donnie cleared his throat. “Would you like to come with me?”

Surprised, Leo turned his head to look up at Donnie. “What?”

“I’ve decided that… you guys should be able to come with me,” Donnie stated. “It was wrong of me to keep you away.”

Leonardo looked afraid to speak and simply nodded his head in response. 

“Can you get the others?” Donnie requested. 

“Sure.” Leo’s head bobbed again as he turned to find their brothers. 

It wasn’t long before Leo returned with the rest of the family, including Splinter, all of them with confused and concerned looks on their faces. Donatello shifted from one foot to the other and adjusted his grip on the chest. “You can all come with me… if you want.”

“Yeah,” Raph replied, his voice failing him a little. 

“Follow me.” Donnie walked around them and headed for the exit. 

They walked in silence. The only sound was the splashing of water underfoot and the occasional sigh or sniffle. Even Mikey, who always had something to say and usually full of questions, was quiet. 

As soon as they got to the old subway station that was the grave site, Donnie stopped and looked at his family. “We’re here.”

Leo looked around and there was a knowing look in his eyes. “We came across this place when looking for somewhere to live. Now I know why you argued so strongly against coming this way in the first place, and then against us living here.”

Donnie looked down at the chest in his hands. “Yeah.”

Raph looked around the room. “They’re all here?”

Without looking up, Donnie nodded. “I’m gonna get to work burying these and then I will take you around and show you the others.” Following his usual routine, Donnie sought out some loose flooring. The others stayed back, not knowing what to do. Even Splinter waited patiently for Donatello to give him instructions. 

Once the hole was dug, Donnie looked over his shoulder at his family. “It’s… going to smell,” he warned them and then opened the chest. He placed the six eggs inside and then proceeded to cremate them. Not a word was said as they waited for the flames to do their work. When they burned out, Donnie filled the hole and placed the slab of flooring back in place then chiseled a number six into the stone. 

After sitting for so long, Donnie was a little unsteady getting to his feet. He turned to his family and motioned for them to join him. One by one he guided them to each grave, giving them a moment to say their silent goodbyes before guiding them to the one from the year before until they reached the first one. 

Mikey let out a few stifled sobs so Raph comforted him with a sideways hug. It was sometimes easy to forget how much time had passed. It didn’t feel like it had been that long. But here they were, facing the harsh reminder that they have been losing children for the past six years, thirty one in all. 

Donnie knelt down to run his hand over the makeshift grave marker. “Hey, Nozomi. I brought… your dads… and grandpa… to come see you.” He could hear his brothers shifting uncomfortably behind him. He could almost hear their desire to speak, stifled by the years of conditioning to stay quiet about it. 

Donnie sat conflicted as tears streaked down his cheeks. There was a desire to confess what he had done but he feared their reaction. What if his brothers hated him? They had a right to know. “It’s my fault she’s dead,” Donnie choked out.

“We don’t blame you for any of this, Donnie,” Leo stated, stepping forward to stand next to him. “None of this is your fault.”

“It our fault,” Mikey said, sobbing a little. “If we could just control ourselves this wouldn’t be happening to you. I’m sorry, Donnie.” His sobs turned into full on crying. 

Keeping his eyes on the grave, Donnie shook his head. “I don’t blame you guys, Mikey. But it is my fault that Nozomi is dead.” He swallowed hard. “I had only laid two eggs that first time. One had collapsed almost right away. But Nozomi….” His throat closed up on him and he had to take a few steading breaths. Raph sat on the ground next to him, wrapping his arm around Donnie. He feared it was the last time his brother would ever want to embrace him.  

He continued. “The egg started to move and I could hear sounds coming from inside. I was so excited because I knew that it was close to hatching. It would move off and on over the next few days and I waited expectantly for it to hatch. And then one day it stopped and didn’t start again.”

Donnie choked out a sob, removing his glasses so he could wipe the tears from his eyes. “I placed my ear against the egg but I heard nothing. In a panic I broke open the shell but it was too late…. She was already dead. In her struggles she had managed to flip herself over and had suffocated. She couldn’t break out because we don’t have beaks; our lips are soft. I should have known. I let her die.”

There was silence. He felt Raph start to pull away and through that this was it. They were all ashamed of him. They would never forgive him for letting their child die. But then he realized that Raph wasn’t pulling away, only shifting his position so that he could pull Donnie in closer. 

Leo dropped to his knees and placed a comforting hand on Donnie’s cheek to thumb away the tears. “You’ve carried this guilt with you for all these years?”

“I was afraid to tell you,” Donnie confessed.

Raph kissed the top of Donnie’s head. “You were only twelve. You can’t blame yourself for this.”

Mikey dropped down to his knees behind Donnie and then leaned in for a hug. “That must have been so hard for you to go through.”

Donnie didn’t understand. They were supposed to be pushing him away in anger and disgust, not comforting him. Their child was dead because of him. They would be preparing for her sixth birthday if he had been smart enough to figure out that she needed help hatching from her egg. 

“I’m supposed to be a genius,” Donnie said, hiccupping. “How could I have been so stupid?” 

“It was not stupidity.” Splinter walked around so that he was in front of Donnie and got down on the ground to comfort him. Splinter placed his hand over the one Donnie had on top of the grave. “You were young and inexperienced. Your decisions were based off the knowledge you had at the time. You knew that turtles hatched on their own and that it was dangerous for you to handle it too much. You didn’t want to risk harming the baby inside. There was no way you could have known.”

They didn’t hate him. Donnie’s eyes burned from the seemingly never ending stream of tears as that realization struck him. His brothers sat in silence as he cried himself out. They held him and soothed him with gentle touches as they waited. The only other sounds were Mikey’s soft sobs behind him.

After a few hours, Donnie rubbed his eyes and placed his glasses back on his face. “I’m ready to go home now.”

“Okay,” Raph whispered. 

His three brothers stood first. Leo assisted Splinter to his feet as Raph and Mikey helped Donnie. Raphael held Donnie’s hand as they made their way back to the lair. Donatello felt as if a great weight had been lifted from his shoulders. He felt no anger or resentment from his brothers, just love, comfort, and support. 

Donnie let out a soft sigh and Raph leaned in, placing a soft kiss on his cheek.  

When they got home, Donnie kept hold of Raph’s hand and made his way to the sofa. For the first time, Donnie did not want to be alone to wallow in his self-pity. 

They weren’t on the sofa long before Leo appeared with a cup of warm tea for Donnie. Though he wasn’t usually a tea drinker, Donatello knew that the herbal brew would help. Leo then sat down and continued to offer his silent support. 

Seeing that Donnie wasn’t pushing Leo away, Mikey soon joined them. Since the seats on both sides of Donnie were already occupied, he sat on the floor at Donnie’s feet and rested his head in Donnie’s lap. 

Allowing his brothers to mourn with him helped to ease the pain more than he could have ever imagined that it would. 

Struggles 
Chapter 11

“All logic, no skills.” Donnie mumbled as he leaned against Raph. 

They were watching a movie together, with their family, enjoying each other’s company when the memory, all but forgotten, popped into his head. It had been triggered by the scene they were watching of a bunch of guys arguing in an airplane cargo hold. 

“What?” Raph whispered, leaning his head down but keeping his eyes on the movie. 

Lifting his head, Donnie whispered into Raph’s ear, “You said that I was all logic and no skills.”

Surprised, Raph looked down at Donnie. “When did I say that?”

“During the argument, on the plane,” Donnie reminded him, keeping his voice low. “After we had lost the piece of the portal device to Bebop and Rocksteady.” 

“That was a bad moment for us all,” Raph whispered, looking away. “I didn’t mean that…. I was angry, trying to pass the blame. We all were. And we each said something hurtful.” Raph sighed and Donnie could tell that he was a little flustered. “I shouldn’t’ve said it. You’re a great fighter. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry to, bro,” Mikey said, drawing their attention but keeping his eyes on the movie. “You’ve come a long way in showing restraint and your instinct is pretty spot on sometimes.”

“I think you’re smart, Mikey,” Leo chimed in. “And I hope you never lose your compassion for others. Your big heart is one of your most admirable qualities.”

“We did all say hurtful things to one another,” Donnie said as he sat up. “And, I’m sorry, Leo. I was also upset in that moment and said what I said to hurt you. I know you care deeply about us and you are a great leader.”

Leo gave a stiff nod of acknowledgement and then turned his eyes back to the movie. “It seems we’ve all cleared up that little disagreement.” 

Donnie leaned back against Raph, feeling a little better. 

…..

Donatello stretched and rubbed his eyes. He had been researching and analyzing the purple mutagen, that he had to carefully scrape off the wall, for several hours. Chief Vincent had requested as much information on the substance as possible. They wanted to know if there was any way to reverse the effects. As far as Donnie could tell, they could not but he wasn’t giving up. If there was a way, he will find it.

He lived for this; learning, researching, experimenting, this was what gave him joy in life. Here he was with the only sample of an alien substance that had the ability to mutate cells. Who knew what kind of possibilities he could discover. 

He glanced to his left and noticed Raph was watching him and he suddenly felt a little awkward. “How long have you been there?”

Raph shrugged. “I don’t know.”

The way Raph was looking at him had Donnie’s face start to burn. “Did… did you need something?”

Raph shook his head. “Sometimes I just like to watch you work.”

Chuckling nervously, Donnie adjusted his glasses. “Why? That can’t be very entertaining for you.”

“I like to see the way your face lights up when you figure something out,” Raph answered as he smiled, getting to his feet. “I find you captivating.” As Raph closed the distance between them, Donnie felt himself flush with desire. “I love you,” Raph said, leaning in to kiss Donnie. 

That was all it took. Donnie was ready to take Raph into his room and leave his research for another time. It could wait.  

That was, until they heard someone clear their throat. Pulling apart, the pair looked at the entrance to see Vern. “You guys are gonna wanna cut that out.” He was carrying a large box and was looking back over his shoulder. “Casey and April are right behind me, taking a leisurely stroll through the sewers like they’re on a walk in the park.” He looked back up at the pair. “That is, of course, unless you want them to know what is going on between you then by all means, continue. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

“Wait,” Raph said looking between Vern and Don. “How do you know?”

“Know what?” April asked as she and Casey entered the lab. Not waiting for an answer, she looked over at Vern. “You were walking really fast.”

“Excuse me for not wanting to linger in the raw sewage,” Vern retorted heading towards Don. “And besides that, this is heavy. Here.” He held the box out for Donnie. “I brought you those supplies we talked about.”

“Thank you,” Donnie said as he accepted the box from Vern. “I appreciate this.”

April watched the exchange and then looked up at Raph. “Is there something I’m missing? I feel like there is something that I am missing.”

Raph shrugged. “I don’t know what goes on between the two of them.”

“What’s in the box?” April called out after them. 

“Supplies,” Donnie simply answered as he disappeared into his lab, leaving Raph and Vern to handle any other questions April might have. 

Alone in his sanctuary, Donnie opened the box. Inside was a selection of protein bars and powder along with vitamins and a few other supplements. In February he would start taking the vitamins and the calcium supplement. The protein and other supplements will be saved for the months following mating season. He didn’t know if it was going to work but it was worth a try. But did he dare get his hopes up?

After sorting through everything and putting it away Donnie left his lab to rejoin the others. April was discussing something with Leo as Donnie approached. They halted their conversation as Donnie got closer. 

Leo looked at Don and crossed his arms. “What are your thoughts on going through a medical exam?”

“Who would be performing the exam?” Donnie asked in return, looking from Leo to April and back again. “And why?”

“The who hasn’t been decided yet,” April explained. “They don’t want to start looking until you guys agree. The why is because Chief Vincent thinks it would be a good idea to have someone on hand who knows how to medically treat you guys if you are ever seriously injured while saving the city.” 

“That’s… uh… that’s understandable,” Donnie agreed, nodding his head, noticing that his brothers’ eyes were all on him. He understood why they were all waiting for him to make the decision. A medical exam was sure to reveal a thing or two that Donnie would rather be kept secret. 

However, it would be selfish of him to deny his brothers the opportunity simply because he had a secret to hide. Then he considered the fact that a doctor might be able to help him. It was an opportunity he couldn’t squander. “We should do it.”

“It told you,” April said to Vern. “They know they can trust Chief Vincent.”

“Really?” Vern looked at Donnie, narrowing his eyes. “You would be willing to let a human doctor do a full exam on you, poking and prodding… all over?”

“I don’t understand why you think they would be against it,” April argued. “It will insure that they have medical help if they ever need it.”

“What… about the mutagen that’s in their blood?” Vern pointed out. “I’m sure Donatello understands the danger of that. Right?”

“The doctors would be warned about it,” Casey interjected. “They will know to take every precaution and destroy every ounce once they are done with it.”

“Or they will store it,” April added. “Just in case any of them needed a blood transfusion.”

“I have considered all possibilities,” Donnie stated before Vern could argue any more. “I think it would be a good idea for us to have a final say on anyone who is allowed access to us. I can do a more thorough background check than the police can.”

“I will pass that along,” April promised.  

Leo looked at Donnie. “Then it’s settled…?” When Donnie gave Leo a slight nod, Leo looked at April. “You can tell Chief Vincent that we accept her offer so long as our conditions are met.”

“Alright,” April replied then turn towards Vern with a look that said, ‘I told you so.’

“Now that that’s done,” Casey said, walking past everyone as he made his way to the television array. “Let’s set his baby up so we can watch the games in HD.”

“I agree,” Raph said, joining him. “You for the Jets or the Giants?”

“Giants,” Casey replied as if it was the only answer. Judging by Raph’s reaction, it was the right answer. Donatello smiled to himself as he watched the two of them bond. Donnie had benefited greatly from his friendship with Vern. A friendship with Casey could do wonders for Raphael. 

Their little circle was slowly growing and the Turtles were experiencing a greater level of freedom. It was like a rollercoaster, both exhilarating and frightening at the same time. They had to trust their human friends and allies to keep their secrets safe. 

Donnie hoped that whoever Chief Vincent found, they would be someone he could trust with is deepest secrets. 

Struggles 
Chapter 12

Mikey absent mindedly traced his finger down the center line of Donnie’s plastron. “I think this will be the last night for me this season. To be honest I could have gone either way tonight.”

“Okay,” Donnie replied, half asleep.  

“I figured I might as well,” Mikey continued, shifting so that his beak was nuzzled against Donnie’s neck. “It will be a year before I get to do this again and it feels so good.” He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I envy you and Raph. I’ll never be able to find love like the two of you have.”

“Oh, Mikey,” Donnie soothed as he turned to hold his brother tighter. He didn’t know what else to say. What could he say? Mikey was right. The chances of him fining the love that he craved so much were slim to none. To say otherwise would be a lie.  

Having Mikey join in their relationship wasn’t an option either. It wasn’t that Raph or Don would be against having an open relationship with their brother. It was because Mikey wasn’t attracted to them. He was attracted to women, human women, and there weren’t too many of those who would be willing to date a mutated turtle. Not sane ones anyway. 

Mikey softly cried as Donnie embraced him. “I’m sorry,” Mikey mumbled against Donnie after a while. “I didn’t mean to unload that on you.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Donnie said, running his hand down Mikey’s back. He could still feel the scars of the crack in his shell from when Krang had him in the bear hug. “I am here for you, whenever you need to talk or unload.”

“Thanks, Donnie,” Mikey sighed. 

A soft but urgent sounding knock at the door had the two of them sitting up. Mikey quickly wiped the tears from his eyes as the door cracked open. “April and Casey are here,” Raph whispered and then closed the door again. 

Mikey was up in an instant, scrambling to get his clothes on. “Nononono…. April can’t know about this. It’s bad enough she’s with Casey.” He paused for a moment while he adjusted his pants and looked at Don. “No offence.”

Donnie chuckled and shook his head as he got up off the bed. “None taken. I don’t want her knowing about this either.” He grabbed his pants off the back of a nearby chair and slipped them on, pulling the suspenders over his shoulders to keep them in place. “I’m sure Raph and Leo are coming up with something to explain why you’re in here. So let them lead the conversation when you get out there.”

“Got it,” Mikey said, nodding his head. After tying on his mask, he made his way to the door. “Do you think we should leave together or can I go out first.”

Donnie waved him out. “You go. I’ll be out in a minute.”

“Kay,” Mikey replied softly, opening the door. “Don’t be long. I don’t want to be stuck trying to answer questions I have no idea how to answer.” He stepped out of the lab and any sign of distress was gone. “Angel cakes,” he said joyfully, closing the door behind him. “What brings you here at this late hour?”

Donnie could hear April reply but her voice was too soft for him to make out what she was saying through the door. Taking a few deep breaths, Donnie composed himself. Unlike Mikey, he was still deeply affected by the season. He had to push all those desires down before he could go out and stand next to his brothers. 

Once he was under control, Donnie tied on his mask, put on his glasses and stepped out of the lab. “There you are,” April said as soon as she saw him. Holding up a piece of paper, she added, “Here is the name of the specialist and her three assistants. As agreed, she won’t be contacted until she has been cleared with you.”

“That took longer than I thought it would,” Donnie admitted, accepting the slip of paper from April. 

April shrugged. “They wanted to get it right and find the best person for the job.”

Donnie read the name on the paper, “Doctor Grace Tandum. I’ll look her up right now.”

“Should we come back later?” Casey asked. “In the morning, maybe?”

Donnie shook his head. “This will only take a minute.” His fingers flew over the keyboards on his computer array, typing in the names of all four doctors and setting his systems to search out everything on them. He scanned each screen as the information popped up, looking for any warning signs that any of them could not be trusted. 

After a while he turned to Casey an April. “I can’t find any reason not to trust them. You can tell Chief Vincent that I approve of her selection.”

“Great,” April smiled. “I’m eager to get all of this started. It will ease my mind knowing that if anything were to happen to you guys, there is a certified doctor ready to take care of you.”

“I couldn’t agree more,” Splinter stated as he entered the lair. “Hello, April, is good to see you again.” He walked up to give her a warm embrace. “And you, Casey,” he said holding out his hand. 

“Sadly this isn’t a social visit,” April said. “We’re here on business.”

“Sorry we haven’t come by sooner,” Casey added, shaking Splinter’s hand. “We’ve been busy with the increase in organized crime lately. These goons call themselves the Purple Dragons. It’s a stupid name if you ask me.”

“I’m sure they ain’t nothing you can’t handle,” Raph said, patting Casey on the back. 

“There was so much grammatically wrong with that statement,” Donnie stated as a matter of fact. Raph simply scoffed in response, not caring one way or the other. 

“Well,” Casey said. “It’s getting late and we gotta get back to it. We’ll let Chief Vincent know that you approve her selection as soon as we see her.”

They said their goodbyes and saw themselves out. When Splinter was sure they were gone he turned to his sons. “Do I need to leave again?”

“I don’t think so,” Raph answered, looking at the others. “They only just got here a few minutes before you did. They didn’t really interrupt anything.”

“Good,” Splinter said with a slight nod. “I’m tired. I’m going to bed.”

“Goodnight,” the boys said in unison.

Donatello waited for Splinter’s door to close before saying, “I could actually go for another round before bed.”

“I get to be with him all year,” Raph said with a smile. “If one of you wants to take him up on his offer, I’m fine with it.”

“I’ll go,” Leo said and started towards the lab. “It hasn’t fully left my system yet either.”

“Okay,” Donnie said, following after him. He had not expected Leonardo to be the one to accept the offer. But he was glad he did. Donnie wanted rutting sex, and nothing overly passionate. Out of his brothers, Leo was the best one to satisfy those desires. No kissing, not cuddling, no foreplay, Leo doesn’t waste time with anything else and gets right to the sex, all instinct.  

They entered the lab, closing the door behind them and immediately started to undress. Donatello couldn’t get the contraceptive in fast enough and he could tell by the way his brother was pacing that Leo was eager to get started as well. 

After filling the inside of the contraceptive with a generous amount of lubricant, Donnie bent over the desk and lifted his tail. Leo moved behind him, grabbed his hips and pressed inside, letting out a deep churr as he did. Once imbedded he leaned over so his plastron would scrape against the dome of Donnie’s carapace. The sensation drew a satisfied moan from the both of them. 

Leo had set a vigorous pace, quickly brining Donnie to completion. He pressed his forehead to the cool surface of the desk while the wave of endorphins rushed over him. It was a sweet release that lingered and Leo lasted throughout the glorious felling, stimulating him the whole time. Just as Donnie’s orgasm started to subside, Leo climaxed, pressing in as deep as he could go. 

They stayed locked together for a few more minutes to allow Leo to relish the after effects. Content to stay where he was for as long as it was needed, Don simply closed his eyes and relaxed. It wasn’t until Leo pulled back that Donnie moved. He looked over his shoulder in time to see Leo flop down on the bed, his chest heaving as he looked up at the ceiling. 

His legs were parted in and attempt to cool himself, and Donnie could see his still flared tip protruding from his tail. “You’re going to have the doctor do something to help prevent more eggs, aren’t you,” Leo said, without moving. It wasn’t a question. 

“I’m going to ask her about it and go over my options,” Donnie replied as he made his way over to the sink. 

Leo turned his head to look at Don. “Do you think, once you have the procedure, you will lose your drive during the season?”

Donnie shrugged and removed the contraceptive. “I don’t know. Even if I do, it doesn’t mean I’ll stop. You guys need the release.”

“I can’t do this with you if it becomes an obligation,” Leo stated. 

Donnie checked the device for any leaks. Satisfied that there weren’t any, he headed over to the bed and sat next to Leo. “I love you,” he said, leaving no room for doubt. “Having sex with you guys was never the problem. I enjoy it. It was always what came after that I hated.” Placing his hand on Leo’s cheek he looked into his brother’s eyes. “I will admit that, throughout the year, when I’m not in season, there are times I wish I could be with you and Mikey, that we could all be together. In a way, I guess I’m taking advantage of you, to get what I want.”

“You’re not taking advantage.” Turning his head slightly, Leo kissed the heel of Donnie’s hand. “I love you too. I wish I could give you what you want, it’s just….”

“I understand,” Donnie interrupted. “Just keep coming to me whenever you need it. Because I like being with you.”

“Deal,” Leo said with a smile. 

“Good,” Donnie said, patting Leo on the chest before standing up. “Now stop worrying about it.”

It was another few weeks before April and Casey returned to inform the guys that their meeting with Doctor Tandum has been arranged. They were told the when and the where and were assured that all precautions had been taken to insure their safety. 

Donnie’s stomach was in knots as they made their way to the designated location. He spent the long walk through the sewers rehearsing, in his head, what he was going to say. It was still hard for him to admit out loud but if he wanted the help, it was something he was going to have to do. 

Leonardo led the way out of the sewers, scanning the area for any sign of people. When he was sure that it was clear, he exited the sewers and ran for the shadows. The others followed, Donnie being the last one out. His mind was on other things and his brothers knew it so it was better that they take the lead.

Chief Vincent was waiting for them, standing outside the door of a large building. Casey and April had offered to meet them there as well, but Leonardo had told them that it wouldn’t be necessary. They trusted the chief and that she wouldn’t do anything that would put them in danger. 

They kept to the shadows until they were close to the building and Chief Vincent. Once again, Leo stepped out first to make their presence known. Chief Vincent jumped a little when Leo appeared at her side. “How can someone so big move around so quietly?”

Leo smiled. “We’re ninjas.”

A humored smile spread across the chief’s face. “I assume your brothers are hidden somewhere back there.” She opened the door and indicated for them to enter. “The doctor and her team are waiting, eagerly to meet you.”

On his signal, the others followed Leo into the building, with Chief Vincent following in after them. “Follow me,” she said as she passed through them on her way down one of the hallways. 

Donatello looked around as they walked, taking note that they were in a research facility. They passed various exam rooms and labs before reaching a waiting room. The four humans in the room went slack jawed and wide eyed when the four turtles entered. 

Doctor Tandum was a short, heavier set woman with an olive complexion and short black hair. She managed to get herself composed before her collogues and stepped forward for introductions. “I am Doctor Grace Tandum and these are my assistants Donald Eagar, Mary Solice, and Andrew Fink. We are all testudinologists and have worked together on several projects. We are eager to learn all that we can from the four of you…. All under the strictest confidentiality of course. No papers will be written by us as long as you are kept a secret.”

“You’re a what?” Mikey asked, tilting his head to the side. “Test-a-dino-list?”

“Testudinologist,” Donnie answered. “They specialize in turtles.”

Doctor Tandum smiled. “That is correct. You must be Donatello. Chief Vincent told me you were the smart one in the group. I look forward to long conversations with you…, but on another day, when we have more time. For now, we have some physicals to take care of.” She looked at each of them. “Who’s going first?”

“I’ll go,” Leo offered.

“Follow me,” the doctor said, leading the way into one of the rooms. 

The four doctors spent a good forty minutes with Leonardo while the others waited quietly. Well, as quietly as Mikey would let it be. He fidgeted and looked like he wanted to say something but would then close his mouth and look away. Chief Vincent was sitting in the room with them. So Donnie supposed that Mikey couldn’t think of a topic to discuss that wouldn’t give away too much personal information. 

Leo emerged from the exam room, sucking on a sucker and with a bandage on his arm. “Mostly painless,” he stated around his candy. “But thorough. They checked everything.”

“I want a sucker.” Mikey hopped out of his seat and headed towards the room. “I’m going next.”

Raph and Leo made some small talk but Donnie stayed out of it. His brothers seemed to understand that he wasn’t in the mood for conversation and they didn’t attempt to bring him into their conversation. 

Another forty minutes passed and Mikey emerged, happily sucking on his candy. “It wasn’t so bad.” He plopped down in the seat next to Leo. “They let me see what I look like on the inside. It was so cool.”

“I guess it’s my turn.” Knowing that Donnie wanted to go last, Raph stood and headed for the exam room. 

Donnie watched the clock as the forty minutes seemed to rush by. It would soon be his turn and his heart pounded. When Raph emerged, popping the sucker in his mouth, he gave Donnie a reassuring smile. 

With a lump in his throat and a knot in his stomach, Donnie got up and headed for the exam room. As soon as he entered, Doctor Tandum directed him to metal plate on the floor. “Take off your clothes and get up on the scale. I must say that I am impressed with your work,” she said with a smile as he did as she had asked. “Raphael said that you were the one to straighten his teeth. And you mended his and Michelangelo’s shells. I’m sure your glasses are the exact prescription you need as well.”

“I do what I can for my family,” Donnie said, feeling himself flush a little. 

She took note of his weight and height and then gestured for him to sit up on the exam table. “Do you have any concerns you would like to discuss with my while you’re here?” she asked as she checked Donnie’s neck. She then placed her fingers on the center of his throat and said, “Swallow.”

Donnie did as he was instructed before answering. “There are a few things I need to discuss with you.”

“Alright,” she replied, prompting him to continue as she reached for her sphygmomanometer and stethoscope. Donnie took a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself as she took his blood pressure. He tried to think of what to say but everything he had rehearsed had disappeared. A long silence stretched out between them. After a moment she looked up at him and asked, “Is it something bad?”

“It’s just that…,” his throat closed up on him and he had to clear it before he could continue. He tried several times but he couldn’t maintain eye contact with her. So he looked down at the floor. “Physically, I’m female. But I identify as male.”

“Oh,” was her reply. “Alright. I can work with that. If it’s something you want kept secret, I can do that. Your medical files will be sealed.”

“I have a clutch of possibly fertile eggs inside me,” Donnie continued. “My brothers and I go into season every year and we are compelled to mate.” He still couldn’t look at her and his heart was pounding. “I say ‘possible’ because I managed to develop an internal contraceptive device last year but, as you know, turtles store sperm.”

She stopped her exam and pulled up a seat. “Do you have children at home you need me to look at?”

Donnie shook his head. “The eggs I lay never make it to term.”

“I am so sorry,” she whispered, placing her hand on his. “I’ll do what I can to help.”

He glanced at her for a moment and then looked back down at the floor. “After I lay this clutch, I want you to remove my ovaries.”

She nodded her head. “I can do that.”

“Thank you,” Donnie replied as he felt a weight lift off his shoulders. 

Struggles 
Chapter 13

Donnie was sitting at his desk, working on a micro circuit board for a watch he intended to give to Casey. If Casey was going to be part of their team, it was time he got a few gadgets. That and he begged Donnie for one after April had shown him hers. 

“You haven’t reached the point where you don’t want anyone to touch you yet, have you?” Raph asked as he walked into Donnie’s lab. 

Unfazed by Raph’s bluntness, Donnie looked up from his work and shook his head. “That won’t start for another few weeks. I haven’t even started feeling full all the time yet. Just a mild amount of pressure in the abdomen that makes it difficult to bend over. In fact…,”

“Good,” Raph interrupted. He closed the distance between them in a few strides. When he reached Donnie he pulled him into a fervent kiss. “I want you,” Raph mumbled into to the kiss.  

“Now?” The garbled word was barely understandable since Raph’s tongue was in his mouth. 

Breaking the kiss, Raph looked Donnie in the eyes. “I’m horny.”

Lost in the intensity of Raph’s eyes, Donnie nodded. “I guess I can take a break.” Standing, Donnie moved towards where he stored his contraceptives. Even though Doctor Tandum had agreed to help him, Donnie wasn’t taking any chances until he was sure he was infertile. “Lock the door and I will get the contraceptive into place.”

“I don’t want that,” Raph stated, grabbing Donnie’s hand. “What I’m in the mood for can be found in your room.”

“Oh. Okay.” Donnie smiled as he tried to contain his excitement. The only thing that was kept in his room and not the lab was his prosthetic penis. Raph’s desire to go there meant only one thing. 

Raph was in the mood to be on the receiving end. It wasn’t often that Raph was willing to make himself so vulnerable. Donnie found it quite endearing to know that Raph trusted him enough to let his guard down in such a way.

Together they left the lab and quietly made their way across the lair to Don’s bedroom. Leo spotted them and simply smiled at them as they passed before returning to his katas. They weren’t breaking any rules at that time, so long as they didn’t make too much noise.  

Since they had plenty of time before they were required to be anywhere, they took their time together. It was better that way; allowing the gradual buildup of desire before succumbing to it. 

Kissing deeply while hands removed articles of clothing, they made their way to the bed. Raph churred as Donnie slowly started removing his pants, allowing him to lower his tail. A clear fluid trickled from his cloaca and the tip of his penis was already starting to peek out. Donnie kissed Raph’s thick thigh before moving the rest of the way down his legs, sliding the pants the rest of the way off.   

Raph’s legs parted as Donnie made his way back up, giving him full access. Don dipped his fingers into Raph’s tail to coax the slick appendage out and to stretch the entrance. Raph churred in excitement and he eagerly helped to remove Donnie’s pants. 

Donnie had to shift and twist his position as Raph worked his pants off. It was a little harder due to all the belts and buckles, but at this point Raph was pretty adept at removing them. The whole time Raph worked, Donnie kept his finger inserted in Raph’s tail. Occasionally Donnie would lick or suck along the long shaft, drawing deep churrs from his larger brother. 

Once the task of removing Don’s pants was done, Raph lay back with his arms tucked behind his head to enjoy Donnie’s prep work. His broad chest heaved and his hand caressed Donnie’s carapace. After a while Raph reached down to play with Donnie’s tail. Without hesitation, Donnie parted his legs. 

Raph’s finger slipped inside and started to play with Don’s citreous as if it were a penis and he was trying to coax it out. “Fuck me,” he grunted. 

Donnie removed his fingers from Raph’s tail and gave his penis a quick lick before getting up to retrieve his prosthetic penis. He slipped it into place and coated it in lubricant as he made his way back to the bed.

Settling in between Raph’s legs, Donnie slowly started to work his way into Raph. As Donnie penetrated deeper, Raph’s fingers slid up and down Donnie’s arms. At times his breath would hitch and his movements would stop, indicating that he needed Don to wait a moment. Once Raph’s breathing evened out again and his fingers resumed moving, Donnie continued to press in. 

Don had one arm hooked under Raph’s leg for leverage while his other hand stroked Raph’s cock. The pleasure brought on by the ministrations, helped to distract Raph from the slight pain of the intrusion. 

Supported by his large shell, Raph liked to sit up slightly to watch as Donnie moved in and out of him. Donnie like to watch the look on Raph’s face and enjoyed the little grunts and churrs. The sight, sound, and scent of it all soon had Donnie climaxing, causing his legs to shake and his thrusting to stagger. Raph waited it out, knowing that once it was done Donnie would be able to resume his rhythm. 

“It’s a good thing you’re quick to recover,” Raph purred, kissing along Don’s neck as he resumed his steady movements. “I’m close.” His hand came up to cover Don’s on his cock and encouraged him to go faster. “So close.” Donnie increased his rhythm, thrusting faster and harder into Raph. 

Tensing up, Raph let out a throaty moan right before his release. Pearlescent cum flowed from Raph’s cock, coating his plastron and their combined hands. Watching as Raph had an orgasm was enough to set Donnie off once again.

Their movements staggered as they fought to maintain control of their bodies and milk their orgasms for all it was worth. 

Raph pulled Donnie down for a sloppy kiss that left them both breathless. “Man, I love you,” Raph said as soon as they parted for breath. 

“I love you too,” Donnie said softly back. Even after all this time, his heart still seemed to skip a beat whenever they said it. 

…..

Donnie paced the lair. It was the only way he could find any comfort but it was all quickly becoming too much. He could feel the pressure building inside him and he didn’t know if he was going to be able to hold the eggs in any longer. “I need to go,” he stated, looking at the exit. 

“It’s still light out,” Leo pointed out in an even tone. “We’re not going anywhere. You need to wait a little bit longer.”

“We?” Stopping, Donnie turned to look at his brother. “What do you mean, we? I don’t need you guys there. I can do this alone.”

Leo locked eyes with Don and shook his head. “There is no way I am letting you go out alone in your condition. We’re going with you to make sure you get there safe and then we will escort you home as soon as you are able.”

The tone in Leo’s voice made it clear that there was no point in arguing. So Donnie stiffly nodded his head and continued pacing. 

“You could do what you’ve always done and just lay the eggs here,” Mikey suggested. He was pacing the lair as well, worry etched on his face. “I don’t see any reason why you need to lay them in Doctor Tandum’s lab.”

“She has more resources than I do,” Donnie stated as he continued to pace. “She will be able to monitor the eggs…. That is… if they are fertile. Not to mention the fact that it’s cleaner there.”

“If that’s what you want,” Raph reassured him, casting a glance a Leo. “You’re in charge on this.” 

Donnie nodded. “This is the way I want it done.”

“Then it is how we will do it,” Leo stated. “But you’re not going alone.”

As soon as it was dark out, Donnie and his brothers made their way to Doctor Tandum’s lab. It was painstakingly slow due to the fact that the eggs were ready to drop. When they got there, Mikey and Leo moved to sit down in the waiting room but Raph continued to follow Donnie. 

Donnie looked over at Raph as they entered the exam room that had been set up to receive and incubate the eggs. “What are you doing?” The words came out barely more than a whisper. 

“Let me be part of this, just once,” Raph pleaded. “I hate that you have to do this alone every time.”

“I’m not alone,” Donnie pointed out as he indicated the three doctors. He looked the prepared incubators over to make sure that they were up to his standards. He was satisfied to see that they had managed to exceed his expectations. 

Raph looked hurt. “You would let them be in here with you and not me? I’m family.”

Donnie thought for a moment before nodding his head. He needed to lay these eggs now and didn’t have time to argue with his brother. “If you are going to insist on being here then help me undress. I’m tired.”

“Yeah. I can do that.” Raph carefully helped Donnie out of his gear, setting all of his tactical equipment safely off to the side. He then helped Donnie to the pad that the doctors had set up for him so he wouldn’t have to squat on the hard tile. 

Donnie lowered himself down onto the soft padding and then leaned forward, placing his head on a pillow. The doctors had gone above and beyond in their preparations. Donnie had held onto the eggs for so long that at that point all he had to do was push and the first egg fell out. One of the doctors picked it up and carefully moved it to one of the incubators. 

Raph’s eyes never left the egg. He moved to stand next to the incubator and tentatively reached up to touch the smooth surface. 

“Don’t get your hopes up,” Donnie warned him, bearing down as another egg stated to emerge. “I’ve learned long ago not to get my hopes up.”

“I know. It’s just that I’ve never seen one before,” Raph replied, without looking away from the egg. “I didn’t think they would be round and it’s smaller than I thought it would be. But this isn’t the reason I’m here.” Pulling his eyes from the egg, Raph made his way across the room to sit next to Donnie and began to rub his carapace. “I’m here for you.”

It took Donnie nearly three hours to lay all six of his eggs and Raph stayed by his side the entire time. As the last one was moved to the incubators, Donnie collapsed to the pad and closed his eyes. “Is there life in any of them?” he mumbled. 

“Three,” Doctor Tandum answered. 

“You have my permission to run whatever tests you want on the others,” Donnie said. “Just remember our agreement to incinerate them when you’re done.” He shifted a little to find a more comfortable position. “What about the other thing we had discussed?”

While staying clear of Raph, Doctor Tandum pulled up a chair to sit near Don. “I have gone over your charts and I don’t think it would be a good idea to outright remove the ovaries.” Donnie opened his eyes and looked up at her but before he could say anything in protest, Doctor Tandum explained. “It would do you more harm than good to remove them. You need the hormones that they provide and I know you are smart enough to know this. What I can do for you is prevent fertilization.”

Donnie nodded his head. She was right. As much as he hated to admit it, removing the ovaries would lead to a hormonal imbalance and there was no telling how is body would react to any synthetic hormones. He had to keep them. “How soon?”

“I want to give you time to recover from this,” Doctor Tandum answered. “How about a week? Maybe two? Depending on how you feel. It’s an invasive surgery and I need you to be one hundred percent before we do anything.”

“Alright,” Donnie agreed. 

“Get some rest,” Doctor Tandum said as she stood. “We’ll talk about this later. It will be a few hours before the sun comes up and you have to leave. We’ll watch the eggs here and we will stay in constant contact with you. You will know if there are any changes.”

“Thank you, doctor,” Donnie said as he began to doze. 

Raph shifted his position to lie down beside him. “You trust them?” he whispered as he wrapped his arms around Don. 

“I do,” Donnie said with a nod. Despite being in a strange place, being so close to Raph made Donnie felt safe enough to fall asleep. 

Struggles 
Chapter 14

Donatello moaned softly as he started to pull himself from his drug induced sleep. For a moment, he had forgotten where he was but as he noticed the unfamiliar feel of the bed along with the strange sounds and smells, he quickly remembered that he was not in his room. 

Though his eyelids were heavy, Donnie managed to open them. He smiled as his brothers came into focus; as focused as Don’s eyes could get without his glasses. “Hey,” Donnie said through a dry and sticky mouth. 

“Hey,” Raph replied, his face lighting up with a smile. “You feel okay?”

“I think so.” Don nodded weakly. “Where’s the doctor?”

“I’m here,” Doctor Tandum said, stepping into view. 

“How’d it go?” Donnie asked, turning his full attention to her. 

“I have successfully cleared out your oviducts and, to be extra sure, injected a little bit of spermicide into to them,” the doctor answered. “Which is a good thing. You had enough stored in there to last you a few more years. Now, the next time you lay eggs, they should not be fertilized.”

With Raph’s help, Don sat up a little to look at the doctor. “What did you do to prevent future fertilization.” 

“I cleared out your oviducts,” she simply stated. “You no longer have any stored sperm.”

“I understand that,” Donnie said, shaking his head. “What I meant to ask is, what did you do to prevent them from being filled again?”

Doctor Tandum titled her head slightly to the side. “You know turtle anatomy. There is no safe way to tie off the path to your ovaries and still allow you to lay your eggs as you need to.”

“Then remove them,” Donnie argued as the feeling of desperation started to fill him again. “I need a guarantee that I won’t lay another fertile egg. The contraceptive I use at home is not flawless. I can’t do this anymore.” Too tired to control his emotions, hot tears streamed down his cheeks and Raph leaned in to comfort him. 

“I know,” Doctor Tandum soothed, patting his leg. “I promised you that I would help and that’s what I will do. That is why I have talked to your brothers and they have all agreed to a vasectomy.”

“What?” Donnie squeaked out, not sure if his addled mind fully comprehended what she had said. 

“Through a small incision, on their side, I will be able to cut their vas deferens and tie them off,” Doctor Tandum explained. “The procedure will not affect their testosterone levels in any way but it will ensure that you will never have to worry about fertilized eggs ever again.”

Donnie looked up at his brothers in disbelief. “I would never have asked you guys to do this.” 

If he was honest, he would admit that it had never occurred to him. He was the one that was different. He was the one to blame. It had always been his problem to fix, his pain, his responsibility. 

“After getting to know you, I figured that would be the case,” Doctor Tandum said with a sad smile. “That’s way I wanted to talk to them about it alone. I was afraid that you would try to talk them out of it, insisting on your original plan of removing your ovaries. Let your brothers do this. It is safer for them to do it and they want to do it.”

“All she had to do was mention it,” Raph stated with a smile. “We were more than happy to agree. We would do anything, if it meant an end to all of this suffering.”

“You’ve tried to carry this burden all on your own for long enough, Donnie,” Leo said. “It’s time for us to do our part.”

“Okay,” Donnie said with a nod. As hard as it was, he knew he had to let go and allow his brothers to do this.  

Over the next few weeks, one of the Turtles went in for the procedure at a time. It was agreed that doing them all at once was a bad idea. If they all had tried to make their way home fresh out of surgery, they would have been at risk. This way three of the brothers would be able to protect the one that was less than one hundred percent. 

Over that time two out of the three fertile eggs had died. With Donatello’s permission, Doctor Tandum carefully autopsied them. She informed Donatello that she believed that their cause of death had not been because of lack of nutrition but due to complications brought about from their mutated genes. 

“It looks as though it simply wasn’t meant to be,” Doctor Tandum said as she placed the remains into the chest. 

“But one had fully developed,” Donnie argued. “The only reason she died is because she… couldn’t hatch.” He had confessed everything to her, leading up to the day he had laid the eggs, going over all of his findings. 

“I know. Statistically, it’s bound to happen,” the doctor explained. “For her, the mutated genes managed to form properly and create a healthy baby. But for these two, they just weren’t developing the right way. There were too many abnormalities.”

“I opened the ones that developed further. I saw that some of their yolk sacks were depleted,” Donnie pointed out. “Their cause of death had been starvation.”

Doctor Tandum nodded her head. “That’s possible. Without studying them, I cannot say for sure. It’s most likely, this is just a theory, that the ones that died early were due to the mutation and the ones that died later were due to the lack of good nutrition. These two had full yolk sacks but their bodies shut down. Their deaths were not your fault and there was nothing that could have been done to prevent it.”

“Nozomi’s death was my fault,” Donnie stated. 

“You didn’t know,” Doctor Tandum soothed, placing her hand on Donnie’s shoulder. “That won’t happen again. As long as the last egg is developing well, we will get it to the point of hatching and then help it through that process.”

Donnie looked over at the last egg and he knew deep down that it wasn’t going to be much longer before it would also die. It was the last one. The last one he would ever have to mourn. 

The days passed and Donnie waited for Doctor Tandum’s call to let him know that the last egg had died. He struggled to focus on anything else. Sometimes he would simply watch the phone, waiting. 

Before he knew it, several weeks had passed. He and his brothers visited Doctor Tandum for a checkup to make sure that the vasectomies were successful. Despite being on edge, Donatello managed a shy giggle when Raph playfully whispered in his ear, “You wanna help me get this sample?”

Their samples were clear, or as Doctor Tandum put it, “They were free of any little swimmers,” deeming the operations a success. 

Against his better judgement, Donnie visited the egg. The little monitor attached to the egg showed that there was still a heartbeat inside. The doctors had even inserted a needle into the egg that delivered more nurturance to the yolk sack. But did he dare hope?

Time continued to pass and Donnie kept waiting for the call. 

It was early July when the phone finally rang. “You and your brothers need to come to my lab tonight,” the doctor told him. 

As much as he wanted to go alone, he knew that his brothers would not appreciate being shut out again. So, he informed them of the doctor’s request and as soon as it was dark, they headed out together. 

When they got there, Doctor Tandum greeted them with a wide smile. “We believe it’s ready to hatch,” she said as she eagerly led them to where they were keeping the egg. “It’s been making noise all day. We’ve been monitoring to make sure it didn’t shift too much.”

“Really?” Mikey said, sounding hopeful. “It’s alive?” It was then that Donnie realized that Mikey had brought the mended teddy bear with him. 

“Yeah it is,” Doctor Tandum said. “You ready to meet it?”

They entered the lab and Doctor Tandum led them over to the incubator. “We thought you should be the one to help it hatch,” she stated. 

With a lump in his throat, Donnie crossed the lab to touch the egg for the first time. He could hear the sounds of movement and small grunts coming from within. Was this really happening? 

His vision blurred and his throat closed as he was overrun with emotion. Trembling hands moved over the smooth surface of the egg as he tried to decide the best way to break open the shell. Doctor Tandum’s hands appeared over his. “Would you like some help?” she offered. 

Not trusting his voice, Donnie nodded. 

She guided his hand down. “The legs are here,” she told him. “It would be the safest place to start. Just give it a few solid thumps. But not too hard.”

Donnie did as he was instructed, keeping one hand firmly on the top of the egg to keep it steady. When he thumped the shell, he could feel the baby inside jump. There was a small whimper that quickly turned into all out, muffled crying. 

Spurred on by his baby’s cries, Donnie steadied his nerves and continued to work on cracking open the shell. 

“Be careful of the yolk sack,” Doctor Tandum instructed after Donnie finally managed to break through.

With all the care in the world, Donnie peeled away the shell, revealing the crying baby within. And it was beautiful. It had a deep green color and long, thin limbs. Finally freed from the confines of the shell, the baby was able to draw in a deep breath and let out harsh wails in protest to its strange new environment. 

“Hey, Bambi,” Donnie whispered down to the baby, almost afraid to touch it but desperately needing to pick it up. 

“I know you’re eager to hold it, but let me check it, clean it, and get it wrapped up,” Doctor Tandum said, before Donnie could pick up the baby. Reluctantly, Donnie pulled his hands back and nodded. 

“Bambi?” Leo whispered, stepping close behind Donnie as the doctor whisked the baby away. 

“It’s Italian for ‘little child,” Donnie explained, glancing at his brother. “I don’t know the gender of the baby and the name is unisex.” He hesitated a moment. “It was also the nickname the general gave to his son when he was little. He was of Italian decent.”

Leo smiled at his brother. “Then it’s a fitting name.”

It didn’t take long for Doctor Tandum to return with the baby swaddled and warm. After looking Donnie over she gestured to a nearby chair. “You should probably sit down first. You look like you’re about to faint.”

“Is it healthy?” Donnie asked as he lowered himself into the chair. 

“As far as I can tell,” Doctor Tandum replied. “I will run a few more tests later, find out the gender. For now, you can hold it and take the time to bond. If all checks out, I can’t see any reason not to let you take him tonight.” She gingerly placed the baby in Donnie’s arms. “Make sure you support the head.”

“Thank you,” Donnie said without taking his eyes off the baby. 

“I’ll give you guys some time alone,” Doctor Tandum said before leaving the lab. 

Donnie still couldn’t believe that this was happening. The reality of it was almost more than he could bear. He was dizzy with shock. It was a good thing the doctor insisted that he sit down. “I wish Master Splinter was here.”

“He’ll get to see the baby as soon as we take it home,” Leo said as he kneeled down next to Donnie to get a better look. 

“I wonder which one of us is the father,” Mikey said, leaning over Don’s shoulder. 

“It doesn’t matter,” Raph replied. “Bambi has four dads.”

“I don’t think we should take Bambi home,” Donnie choked out, as he ran his finger along the baby’s cheek. It was one of the hardest things he had ever said and it felt as if his heart was being ripped from his chest. 

“I don’t understand,” Leo said, looking up at Donnie.

From one of his many pockets, Donnie pulled out a small vial of the purple mutagen. “He deserves better.”

“You still have some of that stuff?” Raph asked abruptly. “And you didn’t tell us? I thought we were past this.”

Unfazed by Raph’s harsh tone, Donnie’s eyes stayed locked on Bambi. “I had extracted a few vials for testing and set them aside. Any scientist would have done the same. I kept them, just in case. With this, Bambi could have a normal life.”

“Donnie…,” Leo started to argue, but Donnie cut him off. 

“I want to keep my baby, with all of my heart. I don’t want to do this but we have to. You think growing up was hard for the four of us together? Bambi will have to go through it all alone. There will be no more children. We made sure of that. And what if something happened to us? What if our enemies find our lair again? It would be selfish of us to keep Bambi.”

“Bambi doesn’t have to be alone,” Mikey argued. “Now that we have the doctors’ help, we can reverse the vasectomies and have more kids.”

Donnie shook his head. “And what happens when they are older and are driven to mate? We couldn’t resist it. They wouldn’t be able to either. There is a reason incest is frowned upon. Generations of it has… horrific outcomes. No.” Eyes filled with tears, he pulled his eyes away from the baby to look at his brother. “There cannot be any more children.” He shifted his gaze to look at Leo. “We cannot keep him.” He turned to look at Raph. “You know I’m right.”

“Mikey and I will go get father,” Leo said, standing up. “Don’t do anything until we get back.”

“Okay,” Donnie agreed, looking back down at his child. He felt numb. 

Raph remained silent while they waited. Donnie spent his time memorizing every little detail of his child that he could. 

When his brothers returned with Splinter, Donnie shifted the baby in his arms so their father could get a good look at it. Splinter caressed the small cheek and smiled. “This brings back memories.”

“I think everyone should have a chance to hold… him?” Donnie said as he passed the baby to Splinter.  

While his brothers said their goodbyes, Donnie sought out Doctor Tandum. Handing her a slip of paper, he said, “Call this number. Tell the woman that you found and abandoned baby outside your office.”

Confused, Doctor Tandum looked at the paper and then up at Donnie. “Why?”

“I’m going to use the purple mutagen to turn the baby human,” Donnie explained. 

“Are you sure?” The doctor’s eyes were filled with concern. “Do your brothers know you made this decision? Do you want to take some time to think this over?”

“I explained my reasons to my brothers and they understand why we need to do this.” Donnie shook his head. “The longer we take, the harder it will be to give him up. We need to do this today.”

“Alright,” Doctor Tandum agreed. “If you’re sure.” She turned to walk away while pulling her phone out of her pocket. “I’m gonna have to answer a lot of questions.”

“You’ll think of something,” Donnie mumbled before returning to the room.

With a heavy heart Donnie entered the room, pulling an oral syringe from his pocket. Leo held the baby while Donnie coaxed it into swallowing some of the mutagen. It took effect, almost instantaneously. The baby let out harsh cries of discomfort as its features began to shift. 

Green skin took on a more olive tone as its fingers change from two to four. It took less than a minute for the change to be complete. When it was done, Leo stood holding a human baby. 

“It’s done.” Taking the baby from Leo, Donnie took it over to a nearby exam table. He unswaddled it to make sure the transformation was, in fact, complete. 

“It’s a boy,” he stated as he tied off the yolk sack and removed it in hopes that what remained would look like an umbilical cord.  

It was hard to determine what ethnicity the baby resembled. His eyes had a slight almond shape to them and were a golden-brown color. A thick patch of dark, straight hair covered his perfectly round head. He had ten fingers and toes and a healthy set of lungs. 

Donnie once again wrapped Bambi in the blanket and held him close. This is for the best, he kept reminding himself. It was getting increasingly harder to breathe.  

Doctor Tandum entered the room. “She’s on her way.”

“Then I guess it’s time for us to go,” Donnie said as he walked over to hand Doctor Tandum the baby. “Remember, you found him outside.”

“I will,” she said, taking Bambi into her arms. 

He was dying inside but he kept telling himself that Bambi would be happier living a normal life. It took every bit of his willpower to turn and walk away. He collected the chest, containing the two dead babies and left with his brothers. 

They waited on the roof of the building and watched as a car pulled up, followed by a police car. A middle aged Asian woman stepped out of the car and knocked on the office door. The two cops stood behind her. It wasn’t long before Doctor Tandum opened the door and presented Bambi to the woman. 

“Who is she?” Mikey asked, knowing that Donnie wouldn’t let just anyone take their child. 

Leo looked over at Donnie. “I have a good guess.”

Donnie nodded. “Her name is Nozomi, and she was my mother in our past life. And I know she will place Bambi in a good home. She’s very good at her job.”

While Nozomi buckled Bambi into the car seat, Doctor Tandum handed over the mended teddy bear, explaining that it was found with the baby. Sadly, the bear was bagged as evidence. “He’ll get it eventually,” Donnie reassured Mikey. “It might be kept in the evidence bag and given to him when he’s older but he will get it one day.”

“It’s cool,” Mikey said with a forced shrug and the smallest hint of a squeak to his voice. “I’m sure he will get a lot of cool new toys. One dirty old teddy bear won’t mean all that much to him.”

“If he knew the story behind it, it would,” Leo insisted and then turned to Donnie. “You okay?”

“No,” Donnie answered honestly. “But I will be.”

Raph placed his hand on Donnie’s carapace. “If I know you, you will track every moment of his life.”

“That’s for sure,” Mikey agreed. “You never know. Maybe one day you will be able to reveal yourself to him.”

“Let’s go home,” Splinter suggested as Nozomi got back in her car. “There will be no practice in the morning. In the afternoon, we can lay these two to rest with their siblings and then try to find peace in all that has happened.”

Donnie watched as the car with his only surviving child drove away, taking a piece of himself with it. As it turned the corner, he blinked back tears and then turned away to return home with this brothers. 

-End