Author: Alizbeth Erin Younkins

Struggles
Chapter 1

Warning!!!: There is t-cest and angst in this and future chapters of this story. Don't like it? That's fine. Don't comment. 

Based on @yknow-fuck 's AU. I have permission to do it. I just hope they like it. 

This is based in the 2014 movie universe. Donatello is both genderbent and transgender. Meaning I took a character that was originally male, made him physically female, but he still identifies as male. Sadly Donnie is reminded of the fact that he is physically female every spring. 

The story will start after the first movie and will contain snippets in time over the two years that passes between the two movies. There will also be a little bit after where I am guessing the second movie will leave off. 

This story will contain moments of sadness and grief. If you cannot handle the idea of what is essentially multiple miscarriages, then I suggest that you do not read this story. 

This chapter did not need editing but future chapters will.

“Donatello!”

Leo had used his full name. That usually meant that he was displeased with something and Donnie had a feeling that he knew what it was. With a slight groan of displeasure, Donnie placed the computer monitor down and waited for Leo to approach. 

After they had defeated the Shredder and his protégé Eric Sacks, the Turtles had set out to find a new lair. They had found an amazing place that was larger than their old home. There was enough room for them to each have their own room and an access shoot that was like a water slide. Donnie even had a large room for a new lab. 

Donatello had his work cut out for him. He had to set up his computer array and security systems, access the city’s mainframe to make sure no workers came into the area, install central air, and tap into the city water supply to make sure they had clean running water. Most of their big appliances were still in good enough condition that they only needed a little repair but beyond the refrigerator, those weren’t very high on his priority list.  

Donnie’s top priority was setting up his computers. He couldn’t keep the family safe without them. Everyone else had their attention set on other priorities. 

Leo closed the gap between them, walking right up to Donnie. “What have we talked about?”

“It’s not that heavy, Leo.” Donnie did his best not to roll his eyes but he couldn’t hide his annoyance. Leo could be such a mother hen at times. 

“It’s heavy enough,” Leo argued and bent down to pick up the monitor. “We agreed that you would take it easy for the next few months. We will handle the move. You and father can help with organization, as long as you don’t lift anything heavy.”

“It’s not like it matters.” Donnie felt a lump form in his throat and had to swallow hard in an attempt to rid himself of it. “With everything we’ve already been through…. We were attacked, drained of our blood, given a boost of adrenaline, fought while sliding down a mountain, entered into another stressful battle and then fell from the top of a building.” He sighed in frustration and adjusted his glasses. “At this point, it just doesn’t matter. It’s not like lifting something heavy is going to make a difference anyway. This year, like all other years, it is a lost cause.”

“Don’t say that.” Leo’s tone had gone from angry to soothing. He sifted the monitor in his arms and looked up at Donnie. “I’m not going to give up and I will do whatever it takes to help you.”

“You worry too much,” Donnie sighed.  

“I care,” Leo corrected. 

Donnie looked down at the ground. “I’ll be fine, Leo.”

“Just….” Leo’s eyes were pleading. “Humor me…. Okay? When all of that happened, it was early spring. They weren’t really developing then. They are developing now, so you have to take it easy.”

“Fine,” Donnie gave in. “I’ll take it easy. But I need to get my computers set up. We have no early warning system anyone can walk in on us. The sensors you let me set up throughout the sewers are no use to me without my computers.”

“Where would you like this?” Leo asked, indicating the monitor. “I’ll stay in here with you and help you set it up. As long as you need me.”

Over the next few hours, Donnie told Leo where to place his various computer parts. There were a few times he had Leo move items back and forth until he was satisfied with their position. Leo followed Donnie’s instruction without complaint. Once Donnie was pleased with the setup, he got to work connecting them. There was no heavy lifting involved so Leo didn’t object but he stayed in the lab just in case Donnie needed something moved. 

When the array was done, Donatello sat down and got to work. Leo lingered for a while but soon realized that Donnie wasn’t going to be moving so left him to his work. 

Losing himself in his task, Donnie had no idea how much time had passed until Mikey walked in with a plate of pizza and a large glass of milk. Don took a moment to thank Mikey before returning his attention to his set of screens. He vaguely remembered Leo checking in on him to remind him to eat. After that Donnie made an effort to eat and drink his milk, despite the fact that he felt full. 

Hours later Raph entered the lab. “You need to go to bed.”

Pulling his eyes off the screen, Donnie looked up at his massive brother. After a few blinks, Donnie had to admit that his eyes felt tired and dry. He needed some sleep. “Yeah. Okay.” Removing, his glasses he rubbed his eyes in hopes of getting a few tears flowing. “The sensors are online. I can call it a night.” When he put his glasses back on, he saw Raph’s hand extended out to him. 

“Let’s go, Brainiac,” Raph said with a slight smirk. 

Donnie accepted Raph’s help up and together they made their way to Donnie’s room. There were boxes and unsorted items littering what was going to be the common room of the lair. Someone, probably Mikey, had attempted to set up the television array on their own. From the looks of it, it wasn’t done properly. Donnie wondered how long it was going to be before Mikey started to beg. 

Donnie’s room was the one closest to his lab, that way he could hear any alarms that happened to go off. Leo’s was the next one over, more or less, for the same reason. 

They entered Donnie’s room and he headed straight for his bed. Raph looked around at the sparsely furnished room with no decorations. “So… are you going for that prison cell feel…?”

“This hasn’t been a priority,” Donnie said with a chuckle. “I’m sure you have your walls covered in those posters of half-naked ladies by now.” 

Raph shook his head and laughed. “No. Those are Mikey’s. He’s the one who’s attracted to human females.”

“You’re not?” Donnie wanted to know. 

“Nah.” Raph looked Donnie in the eyes. “Not my type. I think… I might like guys.”

Donnie felt himself start to flush and had to look away. “So then your wall has pictures of men?”

Raph let out a hearty laugh. “No. I’m not into humans. They’re too squishy. I need someone who won’t break when I’m with them.”

“Oh,” Donnie replied. “Kind of limits your options then.”

A soft smile turned up the edges of Raph’s mouth. “I like the options I’m limited to.” He moved closer to Donnie so that they were only inches apart. 

Chuckling nervously, Donnie shifted from one foot to the other but stayed close to Raph. “Are you still… experiencing the effects of spring?” Donnie was already over it but it wasn’t unheard of for his brothers to take a little longer to get it out of their systems. 

“No,” Raph answered, moving closer. 

Donnie stepped back and turned towards his bed. “Then what are you doing?” 

“Well, I’m trying to let you know how I feel about you,” Raph said, his voice a little taut. 

Turning to face Raph, Donnie did his best to control his conflicting emotions. “How you feel?” Tears fell from his eyes as he shook his head and let out a frustrated laugh. “You’re into males? That’s rich.” Once again he turned away from Raph. “Get out.”

“I’ve always seen you as male, Donnie,” Raph insisted. 

Donnie let out another humorless laugh. “Deep down you know that I’m lacking an important part of being male. That’s why you are attracted to me and not Leo or Mikey. You’re not gay.”

“That’s not true,” Raph argued. With just a few long strides he closed the gap between them and forced Donnie to turn and face him. “To me, you are male. I wish you had all the things that would make you physically male.”

“Do you?” Donnie glared at Raph, unable to believe him. “I highly doubt that.”

“I do,” Raph said sincerely.

“Then why me,” Donnie asked. “Why not Leo or Mikey? If you were really gay then you would be attracted to someone who has a penis.”

“Do you know Leo and Mikey?” Raph chuckled softly, drawing a similar chuckle from Donnie. Raph reached up to cup Donnie’s face and ran his thumb along Donnie’s cheek, wiping away a stray tear. “I… I… love you, Donnie. I never said anything before because… I, for starters, never felt worthy and thought you would reject me. I didn’t know if you were gay. I was also afraid you would react this way.”

Donnie felt himself smile as he leaned against Raph. But he still needed to be reassured. “Do you really wish my body matched the way I feel? You’re not attracted to me… because… you know?”

“Yeah,” Raph whispered, wrapping his arms around Donnie. “It would be nice to be able to… change positions every once and a while. I really do see you as male. Even in the spring. I just saw you as a guy who liked to bottom and lately I’ve found myself wishing that you would to top.”

Donnie pulled back a little so that he could look up into Raph’s eyes. “You would let me top?”

“Let you?” Raph smiled. “It’s something I want. And something tells me that now that you know, you will come up with a way to make that happen.”

“Now you’re assuming that I’m gay and totally on board with this. What makes you think that I don’t like the squishy human women?” Donnie teased but didn’t pull away when Raph leaned down for a kiss. 

Struggles 
Chapter 2

Donatello’s heart pounded in his chest. He had no idea that simply telling his family about the new development in his relationship with Raph would be so terrifying. The fact that they all now sat in silence wasn’t helping. 

Splinter had accepted the fact that they needed to mate in the spring but that didn’t mean he would accept this. In fact, he originally tried to stop them from mating. 

It was when they were thirteen. He tried to have them suppress their urges. It didn’t end well. They all became overly aggressive to the point that they fought one another. It was how Raphael got the scar on his upper lip. So to keep them from hurting each other any further, they were allowed to mate. 

There were rules they had to follow, of course. They were not allowed to be intimate around Splinter, and they had to control their urges for most of the day. Most of all, it couldn’t interfere with their training. 

Splinter would leave the lair in the evening to give them privacy so that they could satisfy their needs. Even though they still tended to be a little more aggressive, mating once a day was enough to keep them from losing control. 

The fact that they were able to sneak out of the lair on the night that they had first met April was because Splinter had left. It was at the end of mating season so they chose to go fight the Foot instead. They got into a great deal of trouble for betraying Splinter’s trust that night. 

“What does this mean for your brothers?” Splinter finally asked, pulling Donnie from his thoughts. 

Donnie glanced up at Leo and Mikey and then fixed his eyes back down on the floor. “Raph and I see no reason to change the relationship I already have with them.”

Splinter took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. “Keep your displays of affection to the confines of your bedrooms.”

“Yes, father,” Raph and Donnie said in unison. 

“Is something troubling you, father?” Leonardo asked, causing Donnie to finally look up. Their father was usually hard to read but Don could see that there was something troubling him. 

“It is nothing you need to worry yourselves over,” Splinter replied, standing up. He looked at each of them and then, once again, exhaled slowly. “This seems all too familiar,” he confessed. 

Leonardo tilted his head to the side as he continued to study their father’s subtle body language. “What do you mean?”

“I have had this feeling only twice before,” Splinter explained. “The first time was when I had found the book on ninjutsu. When I started to study it and practice, it felt more like I was remembering something long forgotten instead of learning something new.” He looked away in a moment of thought. “The second time was when the Foot Clan attacked. It felt like I was reliving a nightmare and I was overrun with the fear of the four of you dying.”

He looked up at Raph and Donnie. “Now it feels as if I have had this conversation before.” He placed his hand on his forehead and closed his eyes as if he was trying to hold onto a memory. 

Donatello and his brothers exchanged looks but none of them knew what to say.

“I am going to meditate on this,” Splinter stated, breaking the silence. “Maybe I will be able to find some answers.”

“Yes, father,” the Turtles said over one another as their father left them alone. 

Once the door to Splinter’s room was closed, Leonardo turned his attention to Raph and Don. “So then…, you two are in a relationship?”

“Yeah,” Raph replied, crossing his arms over his plastron. “You got a problem with it?”

Holding up his hands, Leo shook his head. “Not at all. Just… a little surprised, that’s all.”

“How so?” Donnie wanted to know. His heart was racing. He never liked the truth about his physical gender to be brought up and he feared that Leo was going to make an issue over it 

“All things considered, it’s just… unexpected.” Dropping his hands to his sides, Leo sighed. “I never would have pegged either of you for being gay. And then there’s the fact that the two of you can see each other as anything but brothers.” His hand came up to rub the back of his head. “It’s just a lot to take in.” He then glanced at Mikey as he let his arm drop back to his side. “Then again I never understood Mikey’s attraction to human women.”

“What’s to understand?” Mikey chimed in. “They’re hot. If you’re not attracted to women then what are you attracted to?”   

Shrugging, Leo shook his head. “I’m not attracted to anyone. I don’t desire to be with anyone. The only time I have any kind of urge at all is during mating season. And, to be honest, I would rather that never happen.”

Surprised and in disbelief, Mikey looked at Leo. “You don’t like sex? How can you not like sex? Even when it’s not mating season, I wish I had a fine lady with me. Like April. I’m always thinking about sex.”

“I don’t desire to have it with anyone,” Leo replied. “The sensation is nice but I can manage that on my own.” Mikey made a face but otherwise kept his opinion to himself. 

“Interesting,” Donnie stated. 

“What is?” Leo asked, turning his attention to Donnie. 

Donnie considered his brother. “So you have no desire for a partner of any kind?” 

Leo nodded. “That’s right.”

“I can’t say this for certain,” Donnie said, making sure to choose his words carefully, “but, I believe that you could be… asexual.”

“He’s what now?” Mikey asked. 

“Asexual,” Donnie repeated. “Given my situation, I have done quite a bit of research on sexual orientation and sexual identity. There are individuals out there who, instead of being sexually attracted to one gender or another, simply have no desire for a sexual partner at all.”

“I don’t understand,” Mikey said, looking blankly at Don. 

“Not everyone is on sexual overdrive like you,” Raph further explained a little tartly. He then shook his head as he considered Leo. “I can wrap my head around the sex part, but I will admit that I’m having a hard time understanding not wanting a partner. I like the idea of being able to be close to Donnie. Even if we only have sex during mating season, just being with him gives me a sense of completion. Don’t you want that?”

Donatello’s heart soared at Raph’s words and he couldn’t stop the big grin from spreading across his face. Knowing that Raph was in this for more than just sex, thrilled Donatello. 

“I have a hard time understanding why you feel you need it,” Leo countered. “I have all the companionship I need with my family and our friends. I don’t want or need anything more.”

Donnie laughed. “It seems we all are vastly different when it comes to such things.”

Leo nodded and looked at Raph. “I don’t understand it but if it makes you and Donatello happy, I will not get in the way of it.”

“Thanks,” Raph smiled. 

……..

Donatello looked down at the six round white orbs and knew that this perfection was fleeting. It wouldn’t be long before they started to turn grey and collapse. He ran his hand along the smooth surface, feeling the warmth. It never lasted. 

Pulling his hand back, Donnie shook his head. It wasn’t wise to get attached to them. He couldn’t bring himself to simply get rid of them. They had to collapse before he could do that. As long as they were round, he would keep them safe and warm. 

He covered them with a blanket and wouldn’t look at them again for at least a week. He had work to do. He had all of his systems in place but his work was never done. Something was always in need of repair or an upgrade. 

His work was important. He helped to keep his family safe. His security system was their first line of defense. And it was how he knew they had visitors before they announced themselves. 

“We come bearing gifts,” Vern announced as he walked into the lair with April. 

Donnie exited his lab in time to hear Mikey ask, “Are the gifts small?” Donnie watched from the entrance to his lab as Mikey moved in close to April and had to suppress a groan as he anticipated what Mikey was going to say next. “Or are you the gift?” 

“Numb nuts,” Raph mumbled under his breath as he stood up from the couch. 

April simply smiled at Mikey and shook her head. “No.”

“They’re street level,” Vern replied, unamused as he pointed up. “The station upgraded some of its equipment and I offered to take the outdated tech to the junk yard for recycling. I figured Donnie would like first dibs since he lost some of his equipment when the Foot attacked.”

“Really?” Donnie looked at the clock, it was already night time. It had taken almost all day to lay those eggs. An entire day of work, lost. At least it ended on a positive note. “Yeah, I can go up and have a look.”

“Donnie?” Leo’s eyes asked the question that he could not ask out loud. 

“Everything’s fine,” Donnie assured him. 

Leo knew that it was close to when Donatello usually laid his eggs. Donnie never announced when he did and his brothers never saw them. They knew that if they hatched, he would tell them. He took care of everything, alone, and his brothers knew better than to question him over it. The simple assurance was all Leo needed. 

“At least take someone for a look out,” Leo said in an attempt to make their previous exchange not sound so suspicious. “You know Master Splinter doesn’t want any of us going out alone.”

“I’ll go,” Raph offered, leading the way. 

“I could have been the look out,” Vern mumbled as he followed Raph and Donnie out. Raph responded with a laugh that echoed off the sewer walls. 

It took the trio three trips to unload everything from the van. Donatello had decided to go ahead and take it all. He would be able to use everything in one way or another. Waste not, want not was what they were taught growing up. 

They piled the equipment just outside Donnie’s lab. When they were done, Vern snuck a quick peek inside. “I didn’t see the last one but this one’s coming along nicely.” He pointed at one of the monitors. “Is that a video feed from outside my apartment?”

“Yes,” Donnie answered honestly. “I have surveillance on your place and on April’s. Just in case.”

“I feel a little safer knowing that,” Vern said, as he stepped into the lab. “This is a really awesome set up. I’m impressed.”

Donnie felt the heat rise in his cheeks. “I do what I can.” He knew he was smart and that he had accomplished a great deal with what little he had but it was nice to hear it from someone else. He considered Vern for a moment. The man had his flaws but Donnie knew he was someone that could be trusted. “Can I ask a favor of you?”

Vern shrugged and nodded his head. “Ask away.” Then he smiled an added, “I’m not promising anything though.”

“Do you think you could get me a commercial sonogram machine?” Donnie asked. “A new one.” He turned to his computer and pulled up a website that had the devices on sale. “They run for under a hundred dollars. I have no way of paying you back but it would be useful to have and I can’t find any in the junk yards.”

“For the guy who helped save the city,” Vern said with a smile, “consider it done. Let me know what it is you want and I will get it for you.”

“Really?” Donatello had to suppress the urge to pick Vern up and hug him. “Thank you.”

“Hey.” Vern spread his arms out wide. “We’re friends. Right?”

A sense of relief washed over Donnie as he heard Vern say those words. It meant a lot to him that Vern considered him a friend. Donatello liked the idea of having a friend outside of his family. And it seemed that Vern liked to hang out with Donnie more than he did the others. 

“Yeah we are,” Donnie replied. 

Struggles 
Chapter 3

“As promised,” Vern said as he handed the brand new sonogram machine over to Donnie. It was the first new thing Donnie had ever held in his hands. It was almost a shame that he had to take it out of the box. It would never be so perfect again. 

Donnie turned the box over in his hands. “This is exactly what I wanted.”

“I can’t take all the credit,” Vern admitted and then gestured to April. “As soon as I told April about it she offered to help with the cost. Together we picked out the best we could find.”

“I cannot thank you enough,” Donnie said to them both and headed to his lab. 

“What are you going to use it for,” April wanted to know. “It’s not like any of you can get pregnant.”

Donnie felt a lump form in his throat as he glanced over to where he had his eggs. Swallowing hard, he let out a forced laugh and placed the sonogram device on his desk. “It’s the best device I can get my hands on for looking inside my brothers. It will help me see if there is anything wrong or broken. It’s not the best option but it’s better than nothing.”

“Makes sense,” Vern said with a nod as Donnie came back out of his lab. “It’s not like you can simply go to the doctor.”

“Exactly,” Donnie agreed. “I do what I can for my brothers, as limited as that may be.”

April and Vern couldn’t stay long, they had work to do. There was a series of crimes happening in the city and they were assigned to the story. Of course April jumped at the chance to do it.  

Donnie thanked them again as they left and then headed into his lab, making sure to close the door behind him. It was a simple gesture that let his brothers know to stay out. He opened the sonogram machine and quickly scanned through the instructions. It was simple enough for him to understand. 

Once he had it set up, he took it over to the four remaining eggs. The other two had collapsed within the first few days. With a lump in his throat he squeezed some K.Y. Jelly on to one of the eggs and then placed the probe on the surface. It wasn’t supple like a human’s stomach would have been and he couldn’t push down against it so he was limited in what he could see. But the heartbeat that the device picked up brought a smile to his face. 

Donnie moved the probe around the surface to see if it would pick up anything more. A faint form appeared on the screen but he could tell that it was a baby. Tears filled his eyes as he saved the image and recorded the sound of the beating heart. 

He moved on the second one, repeating the process. Once again he heard a heartbeat and saw an image of a forming baby. His heart seemed to skip a beat. They were alive. 

The third egg proved to be, at the very least, a dud as did the forth, despite the fact that they were both still perfectly round. So it was safe to assume that they had been alive at one point, because if they had been duds from the beginning then they would have turned grey and collapsed along with the other two. 

Donnie cleaned the sonogram machine and put it away before relocating the two dead eggs to the locked chest containing the other two that had collapsed the week before. He tried not to linger on the loss. He still had two. But did he dare get his hopes up?

There was nothing more he could do for them at the moment, so he decided to get some work done. Worry gnawed at his insides, making it hard to focus. It was the same every year. He fussed and worried over the eggs he knew better than to get attached to. Why did he always allow himself to hope?

After a few hours, Raphael slowly entered the lab. “Is it okay if I come in?”

Donnie looked up from his array and nodded his head. “Just don’t touch anything.”

“Does that include you?” Raph said, grinning widely. 

Donnie chuckled and shook his head. Raph saw that as an invitation to come over. He started gently rubbing Donnie’s shoulders and then planted a few soft kisses along his neck. “Do you think that maybe we can start spending some time alone in my room?”

Glancing at the eggs Donnie reminded himself that there was nothing more he could do for them. Leaving them for the night would change nothing. “I think I would be more comfortable in my room,” Donnie replied. 

“Whichever you prefer,” Raph whispered against Don’s neck. “As long as you’re comfortable. I’ll be happy just to be with you.”

Reaching up, Donnie placed his hand over Raph’s. “I’m working right now but we can spend some quality time alone together later tonight.”

“Alright,” Raph agreed with a nod of his head. He rubbed Don’s shoulders a few more times and kissed the top of his head before seeing himself out. “I love you,” he said as he stepped through the door. 

“I love you too,” Donnie replied just before Raph closed the door. Donnie turned once again to look towards the eggs. Anxiety had his stomach in knots. He hated that there was nothing more he could do for them. 

A short time later, there was a soft knock at the door. “Come in,” Donnie called out. 

Splinter poked his head in. “Can I ask a favor of you?”

“Sure,” Donnie replied, turning his attention to his father. It wasn’t often that Splinter came to them for help. “What do you need from me?”

“I need you to research a name,” Splinter explained. “Hamato Yoshi.”

“Is that all you have to go on?” Donnie asked. 

Splinter nodded. “Sadly, yes.”

“I’ll see what I can come up with,” Donnie assured him. If there was anything out there about Hamato Yoshi, Donnie will find it for his father, no matter how deep he had to look. 

“Thank you,” Splinter said, bowing his head. “I will leave you to your work.” A soft smile spread across his lips. “Don’t forget to take a break and get something to eat.”

“I won’t,” Donnie promised as he watched his father leave.  

That night, after dinner, Donnie pulled Raph into his room. It was the first time Raphael had been in Don’s room since declaring his love. He knew Donnie wouldn’t be up for much of anything until he had laid his eggs so he had given him his space. 

Donnie had managed to unpack more of his things so the room was no longer ‘prison like’. Small handheld devices in varying levels of repair littered the top of a mended desk. Posters of space and dark blue cloth covered the cold brick walls. Several strands of white Christmas lights, some of them painted to dim them or make them appear smaller, were hung across the ceiling so that it would look like the night sky; Donatello had even managed to form a few constellations out of them. A lamp that looked like and showed the phases of the moon was hung on the wall furthest from Donnie’s bed. 

When Donnie removed his glasses and dimmed the lights at night, it was easy to pretend that he was outside, under the stars. It helped him to settle his restless mind and get to sleep. 

Donatello walked over and turned up the light on the lamp in the corner. “What do you think?”

Raph looked around, taking it all in. “You need a plush green rug. And maybe one of those things that looks like a campfire and it would pull the whole room together. Being in your room would be like camping outside.”

“That’s what I’m going for,” Donnie said as he walked up to Raph. “As much as I love technology, I need a little bit of nature to help me relax, even if it is fake.”

“I have other ways to help you relax,” Raph said playfully as he leaned in for a kiss. 

Donatello returned the kiss with gusto, feeling his spirits rise. He never thought that he could feel this way outside of mating season. In fact, it felt better because it was something he wanted and not something that nature had forced on him. 

Hands fumbled with buckles and straps as they moved to the bed. Every article of clothing was removed and now littered the floor. 

Without breaking their kiss, they made their way onto the bed. They lay side by side, facing each other and simply kissed. Raph’s hand, resting on Donnie’s hip, would occasionally squeeze and kneed the supple flesh. 

Gradually the hand gravitated downward to Donnie’s backside and then around to trace circles on Don’s thigh. A sudden rush of anxiety had Donnie sitting up. “I can’t.” With one hand clutching his stomach, Donnie stood up off the bed. “I’m sorry.”

Raph sat up and looked at Don in confusion. “What’d I do?” 

Donnie took a few steading breaths. “I don’t want you touching my tail.” He worried Raph wouldn’t understand. This was going to end before it even began. “I don’t even like toughing myself there.” He wrapped his arms around himself and turned his back to Raph. “I don’t mind doing stuff for you if you need it but please don’t touch me there.”

“I don’t want this one sided.” Raph sat with his legs over the side of the bed. “I… I wasn’t thinking. I was moving a little fast. I’m sorry. I can wait.” He sat in silence as he considered Don for a moment. “If you don’t touch yourself then how do you…?”

Donnie felt the blood rush to his face. All thought stopped as he tried to wrap his mind around what Raph was so bluntly asking. “I… I have my ways,” Donnie managed, keeping his back to Raph. 

Raph stood and walked over to stand behind Donnie. “When you’re ready you can show me what you do and I’ll do that.”

“I don’t want you to laugh at me,” Donnie admitted through the tears, feeling ashamed. 

Raph nuzzled the back of Donnie’s neck. “Why would I laugh?”

Donnie’s heart pounded in his chest. “I… made myself a… penis. I use it. I’ve had it for a while now.”

With his nose pressed against Donnie’s neck, Raph took a deep breath and wrapped his trembling arms around Donnie’s middle. “Can… I see it?” Donnie turned in Raph’s arms and looked him in the eyes. Raph looked scared, worried that he was going to say the wrong thing. “When you’re ready,” Raph added, swallowing hard. “We can just kiss more, for now, if you want. Or I can go. Whatever you want me to do.” Leaning forward he pressed his forehead against Don’s. “I love you.”

“I’m sorry I’m being so difficult,” Donnie whispered. 

Raph shook his head. “It’s okay.”

“I love you too.” Donnie placed his hands on Raph’s arms and leaned into him. “I can show it to you and explain how it works.”

Raph heaved a sigh of relief. “I’d like that.”

With his heart in his throat Donnie went over to retrieve his artificial penis. He held it close to his chest as he made his way back over to Raph. “It seems that my artificial night sky is not the only fake thing that I have in my life.”

“There is nothing wrong with this,” Raph insisted, looking down at the item in Donnie’s hands. “So you use this… dildo?”

Donnie nodded. “I don’t like calling it a dildo though.” He felt numb. This was his most intimate secret and he still feared that Raph would think it was silly. “I made it, but I think of it as my penis,” Donnie said, holding it up a little higher. “It’s made of silicon. I molded it as close to a turtle’s penis as I could and kept the color as close as possible.” He squeezed the tip in demonstration. “It’s flexible and soft yet firm.”

Flipping it over, he held up the base where it hooked an extended for several more inches. “This part goes inside me.” He swallowed hard past the lump in his throat. “That way I can… pump the shaft and the part inside stimulates me.”

Raph smiled. “You are the resident problem solver.” He looked the penis over and ran his fingers along the shaft. “Is it something you would be able to use on me?”

Donnie nodded. “We’d have to work up to it though. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“It is kind of big.” The more they talked the more Raph seemed to relax. “Would I be able to push past it if you were wearing it?” 

That question came as a bit of a shock to Donnie. “My cloaca can stretch. Have you seen the size of the eggs?” Donnie spoke without thinking and regretted it right away. Raph had never seen the eggs. Donnie kept them hidden from his family. None of his brothers had ever seen one. “Sorry.” Things were going well and he had to go and ruin it. “That just came out.”

“It’s okay,” Raph soothed, rubbing Donnie’s arms. “We’re both a little nervous. Why don’t we go back to the bed and see where things go.”

“Okay,” Donnie said, nodding his head. 

Raphael turned down the lights before joining Donnie on the bed. Once again they lay facing each other as they kissed and all of Donnie’s tension started to melt away. It was when Raph’s hand covered his that Donnie realized that he was still holding his artificial penis. 

He felt awkward holding it. He didn’t want to drop it to the floor but he didn’t want to ruin the moment by getting up to put it away either. Then Raph started touching it and a full body shiver overcame Donnie. He wished it was real and that he could feel Raph’s touch. 

Raph shifted his position a little, parting his legs. The scent of his arousal filled the room and then Donnie felt something touch his leg. Donnie must have reacted to it because Raph shifted his position again and mumbled an apology. 

Donnie had never actually seen Raph’s penis before. Whenever they were together in the past, Donnie was bent over while Raph took him from behind. Back then they were simply fulfilling a need. Sex was a means to an end. 

Curiosity got the better of him and Donnie reached down to touch it. With a sharp intake of breath, Raph tensed. His hand held tight to Donnie’s shoulder and he bucked his hips in an attempt to get more contact. “You don’t have to,” Raph rasped out. “You can ignore it and we can go back to kissing.”

“I want to,” Donnie whispered back. 

Raph reached down and put his hand over Donnie’s. “I already told you that I don’t want this to be one sided.”

“Okay.” Donnie pulled away from Raph long enough to get the lubricant from the bedside table drawer. He put a generous amount of lubricant on the part of his penis that goes inside of him before putting it in. Once it was comfortable in place, he lay back down and faced Raph. “We can give it a try.”

Even in the dark, Donnie could see the smile on Raph’s face. Raph grabbed hold of both of their cocks and started pumping them together. The rhythmic strokes caused the part that was inside of Donnie to move. The fact that Raph was the one doing it added to the stimulation. 

“Am I doing it right?” Raph whispered. 

“Yeah,” Donnie whimpered his reply. His hand held tight to Raph’s bicep, his fingers digging into the hard muscle. “It feels good.” Donnie moaned as he reached his climax. “Raphie.”

“Oh, Donnie,” Raph grunted followed by a deep churr.

Wanting to be more involved, Donnie moved his hand down to cover Raph’s. After a few strokes, Raph shifted the positions of their hands so that Donnie’s was the one holding their combined cocks.  

Raph’s heated flesh was slick with natural lubricant and pre-cum. A great deal of it was now also coating Donnie’s penis and hand. Raph guided Don’s hand, encouraging him to pump faster. With a deep grunt, Raph’s body tensed and shuttered as his hot seed was released. The sight, feel, and scent of it all had Donnie climax for a second time. This was more intimate than any other time they had been together before and it felt so much better because of it. 

Raph continued to encourage Donnie to move his hand, drawing as much pleasure from the moment as he could. When he was completely satisfied, Raph’s grip relaxed and he kissed Donnie’s forehead. “That was good,” Raph hummed in delight. 

“It was,” Donnie agreed. A sudden sense of relief washed over Donnie and he started to cry. It wasn’t a soft, sniffling sob. It was a full blown, fat tears cry. His whole body shook as he wept and he covered his face in an attempt to contain it. 

Raph wrapped his arms around Donnie and pulled him close. “Why are you crying? What happened? Did I do something? Say something?”

“I can’t believe that you are being so wonderful with all of this,” Donnie choked out. 

“I’m trying.” Raph let out a sigh of relief, squeezing Donnie a little tighter. “I know this isn’t easy for you. We’ll figure all this out.”

“This can’t be real,” Donnie mumbled against Raph chest. 

“No,” Raph pulled away enough to look Donnie in the eyes. “This is very real.”

Donnie could see the love in Raph’s eyes. He felt himself begin to relax and managed to smile. “Stay with me tonight?”

“Of course,” Raph replied. 

Putting cuddling on hold, Donnie got out of bed for the daunting task of having to clean and put his penis away. It was something he was going to have to get used to. Every night of intimacy would end this way. He couldn’t sleep with it in and it had to be properly cared for or it wouldn’t last long. 

Fortunately Raph patiently waited for him and welcomed Donnie back to bed with open arms. 

Struggles 
Chapter 4

Donatello came out of his lab in search of Raphael. He didn’t have to look far. Raph was sitting with Mikey on the sofa in the common room. Michelangelo was in the painful process of giving Raphael a tattoo. The new tattoo covered Raph’s right shoulder and down his bicep. It looked to be nearly done. 

They had been at it for several days now. Whenever they wanted a tattoo, they were forced to use a primitive method of tattooing since tattoo machines lacked the right amount of pressure to puncture their flesh.  Few things were able to keep Mikey’s attention for long. The intricate and delicate process of tattooing his art on his brothers by hand was one of them. 

Donatello walked around the sofa and held out the plastic braces he had made for Raph. “I finished them.” As with most things, it had taken him a while to gather the needed materials to make them.

Raph looked down at the two pieces of plastic in Donnie’s hand. “This is gonna straighten my teeth?”

“This is the first step,” Donnie corrected. “You wear these for a while and then move to the next ones. Each one will force your teeth to move slightly so they will hurt a little. Keep them in more often than not. Take them out to eat, brush your teeth and then put them back in. The more you wear them, the better it will work but you don’t want food to get in there.” Donnie held one up. “This one is the top one. I marked it here on the side.”

“Got it,” Raph said, taking the plastic braces from Donnie. He placed them over his teeth, clenching his jaw a little to secure them in place. “They feel funny.”

“You sound funny,” Mikey chuckled. 

“If you weren’t tattooing my arm, I’d hit you,” Raph growled. 

“Don’t give him a hard time,” Donnie said to Mikey. “I don’t want him not wearing them because you tease him.”

“I won’t say anything more,” Mikey promised. 

“Thank you,” Donnie said, patting Mikey on the shoulder before leaving them to what they were doing. He started to head back into his lab when a proximity alarm went off. Donnie checked the surveillance cameras. “April and Vern are on their way,” Donnie announced. 

“I need a break anyway,” Mikey said, dropping the needle into a glass of alcohol. “My hand was starting to cramp.” He blotted a towel over Raph’s arm to clean off any blood. “I should be able to finish it tomorrow.”

“Good.” Raph stood from the sofa. “It’s starting to itch.”

Raph moved to scratch his arm but Mikey stood and swatted Raph’s hand away. “Wait a sec, bro, let me cover it.” Raph stood still while Mikey covered the tattooed area with ointment and gauze and then secured it down with tape. When Mikey was done he patted Raph’s shell. “Good to go.”

By that time April and Vern walked into the lair. Vern was carrying a large cardboard box that he placed on the table. “We come with more gifts.”

“For me?” Mikey asked rushing over to them. 

“For all of you,” April corrected as Mikey opened the box and looked inside. “It’s just some more clothes.”

Leo stepped out of the dojo. “Why did you bring us clothes?” He walked over to the table and had a look inside the box. Mikey was already pulling articles of clothing out and inspecting them. 

April shrugged. “We figured you could use some more.”

“You are wearing the same clothes every time we see you,” Vern added as a matter of fact. “We figured it was due to having a lack of variety in your wardrobes. That and a lot of you guys need pants. The loin cloth thing is… a bit much.”

“Smart ass.” In a moment of jest, Raph shoved Vern. It was something Raph did often to his brothers but Vern was nowhere near as sturdy as the Turtles were. What would have barely budged one of the Turtles had knocked Vern off his feet. Fortunately, Donnie was there to catch him. 

“Raph,” Donnie hissed. “The humans are soft and squishy. Remember? You can’t be so rough.”

“Who are you calling squishy?” Vern mumbled, holding on to Donnie for support. 

April helped Vern to his feet. “Are you okay?” 

Vern shrugged it off. “I’m fine.”

“Sorry,” Raph mumbled, turning his attention to the box. 

“That’s the best you’re gonna get out of him,” Donnie whispered to Vern. He pulled his goggles down for a brief moment to look Vern over before turning his attention to the box. 

“There are other little knick-knacks in there as well,” April continued, “odd pieces of things that nobody wanted. I had a feeling that you guys would find a way to make use of them.”

“Thank you,” Leo said as he pulled out a pair of pants. 

The guys unpacked everything from the box and laid them out. One by one they started selecting items of their liking. There was some begging and a little bit of bickering but in the end they were all happy with their haul. 

Donatello was a little excited. With the equipment that April and Vern had brought a few weeks ago he was able to reduce the amount he had on his body and had doubled the processing power. On top of that, due to some lithium batteries he no longer needed the solar panels he wore as tassets. He was more than ready to switch to pants. 

He was going to have to make some modifications to what he had but he was sure that the pants he had selected would work. He also managed to get some suspenders and some backpack straps along with belts and buckles that he would be able to use to hold his equipment. 

“Thank you.” Donnie smiled down at the two humans. “You have done so much for us.”

“We should repay you,” Leonardo insisted. 

“Well you saved the city,” April pointed out. “If anything, we still owe you guys.”

Leo held up a finger, gesturing for them to wait as he backed up. “I know what we can give you.” Biting his bottom lip, Leo turned and trotted off. 

“You really don’t need to give us anything,” April called out after him but Leo didn’t stop. 

He returned with a small felt bag in hand and then handed it over to April. “Here.”

“What is it?” April asked as she opened the bag. 

“Diamonds and other stones,” Leo replied. “You would be surprised how many pieces of jewelry we find down here in the sewers.”

“Like this,” Mikey chimed in, showing off his recently found gold chain necklace. 

“Most of the time, Donnie melts down the gold to repair electronics,” Leo continued and then gestured to the bag. “We don’t really have any need for the stones. Donnie kept a couple of diamonds for cutting purposes but we have more than he needs. So you can have them.”  

Vern reached out for the bag. “We’re splitting those. Right?”

Rolling her eyes, April put the bag in her pocket. “If anything we will use the money we get from selling these to get you guys some new supplies.”

“Yeah, of course.” Vern smirked and let out a scoff. “I just meant that we need to split them up to sell so you don’t draw unwanted attention trying to sell them all yourself.”

“You know the value of diamonds is artificial,” Donnie pointed out. 

Vern scoffed again. “Like that matters. Pretty girls like the overpriced, sparkly rocks so guys like me are willing to pay the outrageous price in order to gain their favor.”

“I’ll let you keep one,” April promised with a smile. 

“That’s all I ask,” Vern replied.

After their two human friends had left, Donnie took a printout of all that he could find on Hamato Yoshi to Splinter. “This is all the information on Hamato Yoshi that is on the internet,” he said handing the small stack of papers to his father. “It’s a tragic story.”

Splinter had been meditating quite often lately, spending hours a day in his room. Donnie and his brothers rarely saw him outside of training. He took the papers and looked up at Donnie. “You’ve read it?”

“Yes.” Donnie nodded. “In short, he was born in the mid nineteen hundreds. He and his wife, Tang Shen ran a dojo. He was a master in ninjutsu. His top students were his teenage son and three other boys. They were all found slain in the dojo. Their killer was never found. The only reason it was even in the news was because one of the boys was the son of an American General, stationed in Japan.” Donnie gestured to the stack of papers. “I managed to find a photo that was taken after Yoshi’s students had won a tournament. That was all I could find.”

“Thank you, my son,” Splinter said softly with a distant look in his eyes. “I believe that there is more to this story.”

“Why did you want me to do a search on him, father?” Donnie wanted to know. “How did you even know of him? Was he the one who wrote the book on ninjutsu you had found?”

Splinter shook his head and his black eyes looked up to focus on his son once again. “I believe he is somehow connected to us.”

“How so?” Donnie asked. “He died in nineteen eighty. That’s even before April was born.”

“I do not know,” Splinter admitted, looking down at the documents. He placed his hand over them. “However, I hope that one day I will.”

“I will leave you to it then,” Donnie said as he turned to leave. “If you need anything else, I’ll assist you in any way I can.”

“Thank you,” Splinter replied. “I will keep that in mind.”

Donatello headed back to his lab. He was eager to try on his new pants and figure out a way to keep his gear on his back. But first, it was time to check on the eggs. Closing the door as soon as he entered his lab, Donnie headed straight for the sonogram machine. 

He pulled the blanket back to reveal the two eggs that were nestled in a bed of wet peat moss and algae. They were about a month away from being ready to hatch. 

He scanned the first egg only to discover that there was no heartbeat. A lump formed in his throat as tears filled his eyes. A sense of dread washed over him as he turned to scan the second egg. 

Hands shaking, he couldn’t bring himself to set the probe to the surface. Donnie took a steading breath and swallowed hard before he was able to do it. He slid the probe over the surface but the device remained silent. 

He couldn’t stop the cry of sorrow that escaped him. 

Crumpling to the floor, Donnie covered his mouth to try to stifle the sobs. It hurt to breathe and he felt like he was going to be sick. He had done everything he could think of to keep them alive but nothing worked. They were dead. He cried uncontrollably and eventually numbness took over. 

Donnie had no idea how long he sat on the floor, staring at nothing. All he knew was that his eyes burned and his throat was raw. With some effort he managed to get his mind and hands to work together enough to put the sonogram machine away. 

The eggs felt heavy as the picked them up and placed them in the chest with the others. The smell was almost enough to make him sick but he managed to get the lid closed before it really started to get to him. 

After taking a few moments to compose himself, Donnie picked up the chest and headed out of his lab. He didn’t look at anyone as he walked through the lair towards the exit. No one tried to stop him as he headed out on his own. 

His own footfalls sounded distant to him and his eyes remained unfocused. Despite being in a state of shock, Donnie found his way to the spot he visited every year. 

The old, abandoned subway station was cold and wet. There were places where the stone floor was broken and the dirt underneath could be accessed. It was in these spots where Donnie buried his children. 

He tested the stone with his foot, looking for a spot where it was loose. When he found an acceptable spot, he knelt down, moved the chunk of stone and started digging. 

When the hole was deep enough, Donnie opened the chest and started placing the eggs inside along with some fabric and wood shavings. 

He had to know why it had died. So he opened one of the eggs that had lasted the longest to examine the body. The thin shell was already starting to soften so it took little effort to get it open. 

Donnie’s chest tightened as he took in the sight of his deceased child. It was so small, thin, and, from the look of it, would not have been able to survive if he had hatched it early. His vision blurred and he had to wipe the tears from his eyes to continue his examination. 

As he had feared, the yolk sack was diminished. The baby had starved. He had tried to incubate them in a nutrient rich environment, he had eaten as much as he could as they formed inside him, but it was all for naught. 

He looked down at the tiny body cradled in his hands. “I’m so sorry.” Holding it close, Donnie allowed himself to cry once again. 

Reluctantly he placed the small body in with the others. Why had he allowed himself to hope? He should have known better by now. He struck a match and set it to one of the bits of fabric. Since he had soaked the fabric in a flammable liquid, it quickly ignited and spread.  

It took several hours but Donnie sat there and waited for the flames to die out. The smell was hard to handle at first, it always was, but he was eventually able to block it out. When the flames finally died, he covered whatever was left with dirt and placed the slab of flooring back in place. He then pulled out a small chisel and carved a number five into the stone. 

With that done, Donnie moved around the room. He stopped at each small grave and sang to them. 

“Hush, Hush, Hush,
Says your daddy’s touch.

Sleep, Sleep, Sleep, 
Says the hundred sheep.

Peace, Peace, Peace, 
My you go in peace. 

Oh, maybe next time 
You’ll be Henry the Eighth. 
Wake up tomorrow 
Alexander the Great

Open your eyes 
In a new life again
Oh maybe next time
You’ll be given a chance.  

Hush, Hush, Hush”

He looked at each stone slab with a number etched into it, counting down to the first one. There had only been two eggs that first year. Only one of them had been fertile. 

“You take care of your little brothers and sisters,” Donnie whispered as he placed his hand on the cold stone. “I hope one day you can forgive me. Maybe then I will be allowed to keep one of them.” His voice got stuck in his throat and he had to take a few deep breaths before he was able to speak again. “I’m sorry. I should have known better.”

He lay down over the small grave. “Maybe it’s better this way. If you had been alive when the Foot had attacked, they would have taken you too. You would have either been killed or they would still have you. They would be training you to be the soldier they wanted us to be.” He kissed the stone. “I love you, Nozomi.” 

It was well past midnight by the time Donnie had returned to the lair. He walked into his lab and cleaned the chest, leaving it open to dry. He would deal with the incubators later. All he wanted to do now was try to sleep. Nothing else mattered. 

Donnie made his way into his room and closed his door. With a heavy heart, he fell into his bed. He wasn’t there long before he heard his door open. “Go away,” he barked without turning to see who it was. 

The door closed and a few moments later there was someone in bed with him. “I said, go away,” Donnie rasped out. 

Strong arms wrapped around him and held him close. “We don’t need to talk about anything,” Raph said. “Just let me be here for you. You don’t have to go through this alone.”

Donatello turned in Raph’s arms and curled up against his plastron. Despite how dry his eyes felt, more tears fell. There was comfort in having Raphael there. It helped him to be able to settle down and fall asleep. 

Struggles 
Chapter 5

Donatello had mourned his lost children but he knew he couldn’t linger on it for long. He had allowed himself a few days of deep depression, staying in his room for most of the day.

It was good that nothing of any significance happened in that time and that April and Vern were so wrapped up in work that they were unable to visit. So the Turtles didn’t need to come up with any excuses for what was going on with Donnie.  

They were able carry on the way they did every year. The only difference this year was that Donnie had allowed Raph to be there for him. Donnie had to admit, having Raph there helped a great deal. But now the process was done and it was time to get on with everyday life.
 
When he did emerge from his room for the first time in almost a week, no one treated him any differently. They mumbled their good mornings as Donnie walked into the kitchen. It was the way he wanted it. It was better than lingering on it and his brothers knew better than to bring it up or to dote over him.

He threw himself into his projects, losing all track of time. Maybe it was still part of his depression but at least he was being productive and contributing to his family. 

Donnie was in the process of repairing Mikey’s custom skateboard when Splinter entered the lab. Donatello didn’t have to ask what it was his father wanted. There was only one reason his father would be visiting him. There was only one thing he needed to know in order to help him. “What name would you like for me to research, father?” 

“The general whose son was killed along with Yoshi and the others,” Splinter answered. He entered the lab and looked around at the many projects in various degrees of completion. “I hope that my requests aren’t a bother for you.”

“Not at all,” Donnie assured him as he set the skateboard aside. “I am more than happy to help you in any way I can. I will get the information for you. I might have to hack into some highly secure systems to get it. He was military after all and high ranking on top of that. So it might take a little longer.”

Donatello wrote down the general’s name on a sticky note and placed it on his computer as a reminder to do the search. It was his way to insure that it would get done sooner rather than later. He tended to focus on one thing and forget about others for a while but he checked his computer often out of habit.

“Take your time,” Splinter replied. “There is no rush. Thank you.” He hesitated a moment as he turned to leave. He took a few steps towards the door and then turned back around. “Are you alright?”

Donnie looked down at his desk and nodded his head. “I’m okay.” He glanced over at his father without turning his head. “I’m managing.”

Splinter’s brow creased with worry. “I know you don’t like talking about it but bottling it up will do you no good. I hate to see you suffer.”

“I’m working on a solution,” Donnie replied without looking up. “I believe I have everything I need. If it works, then my suffering will end.”

“I will leave you to it then,” Splinter said and then saw himself out. 

….

It took Donatello over a week to compile all of the information on the general. And truth be told, he dug deeper than was necessary. Donatello was becoming fascinated with the story. It was his own curiosity that had him digging as deeply as he could. 

What had drawn him in was the name of the general’s wife, Nozomi. It was like a punch in the gut when he read her name. It couldn’t have been a simple coincidence. Could it? He wanted to know all that he could about the man and his family. 

In the end, what he found for Splinter was that the general had been placed in charge of the mutagen that had been kept in a US military facility in Okinawa. The mutagen was of alien origin and had been found in Japan. The US military quickly stepped in and took control of it. It went missing only three days after the general’s son and the others had been killed. Nineteen years later that same mutagen was used by Sacks and Mr. O’Neil to mutate Donnie and his brothers. 

The whole thing gave Donatello goosebumps. 

After setting the extra research he did for himself aside, he took his findings to his father. “I think Yoshi and his students were killed so that Shredder and Sacks could steal the mutagen,” Donnie stated as he walked into his father’s room. 

Splinter had been meditating but his eyes snapped open and he quickly got to his feet. “What?” He reached out for the papers. “Let me see those.”

“I’m assuming, of course,” Donnie admitted, licking his lips. “But the facts make it hard to believe that it isn’t linked.” 

Donnie stood in silence while Splinter scanned over the documents. “It does seem that way,” Splinter agreed after several minutes of reading. 

Donatello nodded. “After the mutagen was stolen the general discovered that his keycards were missing from his home. However, there was no evidence of a break in.”

“Suggesting that it was possibly done by skilled ninja,” Splinter continued the line of thought. “They knew that in a situation of distress the general would have been given time off from work. Since he would not be working, the security passes would be locked up in his home.”

“So they killed his son to make that happen,” Donatello stated. “The general’s son was the main target. Yoshi and the others were simply collateral damage.”

Sighing, Splinter shook his head in sorrow. “The Shredder and Sacks were both ruthless enough to do such a thing.” He looked Donatello in the eyes. “They were willing to kill millions just to get what they wanted.”

“Tell me again, how did you know about Yoshi in the first place?” Donatello wanted to know. “I don’t understand what led you on this fact finding mission.”

Splinter placed the documents down on a small table. “Do you believe in reincarnation, Donatello?”

Donnie shrugged. “I’m a scientist. The concept of reincarnation is… a little too… farfetched to me. The concept is a nice one and I can understand how it would be comforting to believe but… there is no evidence for it, at least nothing concrete.”

“There are times that you boys say or do something that brings forth a flash of memory,” Splinter stated wistfully. “I have meditated on them and on the information you have gathered. And I believe that we are Yoshi and those boys reincarnated.”

“You do?” Donnie was not surprised. His father tended to lean more towards the spiritual side of things. But, instead of arguing over such a philosophy, Donnie decided to humor his father. “Which of the boys do you believe me to be?”

“I believe that you were the general’s son,” Splinter answered. “And much like you and Raphael, the general’s son and one of the other boys came to me to confess their love for one another.”

Leaning in closer to his father, Donnie allowed himself a slight smile and a chuckle. “How did that go?”

“I supported the two of you then,” Splinter replied and lifted his withered hand to caress Donnie’s cheek, “just as I do now.”

“I love you,” Donnie said, placing his hand over Splinter’s. They lingered in the familial embrace for a moment before Donnie pulled away. “But, as fascinating as all of this is, I don’t believe in reincarnation. Maybe you overheard Sacks saying something about Hamato Yoshi when we were still his test animals. Your mind pieced together fragmented information in an attempt to make sense of things.”

Splinter didn’t seem daunted by Donatello’s dismissal of his theory. He simply sat back down on his mat and shifted into the lotus position, preparing himself for mediation. “Just because you do not believe something,” Splinter said, as he closed his eyes, “does not mean that it isn’t true.”

Donnie sighed and crossed his arms over his plastron. “Then why were we made to come back as this? Why not come back as human?”

Opening his eyes, Splinter looked up at his son. “In this form, you and your brothers were able to stop Sacks and Shredder. If you had been human, you would not have succeeded.” 

Donnie dropped his arms to his sides and shrugged. “It’s hard to argue with that.” Not in the mood to debate his father, Donnie turned to leave. “Enjoy your meditation, father. I have to get back to my projects.”

“Did you research the general and his family more than needed?” Splinter asked, causing Donnie to pause mid-step and turn to look at his father. Chuckling, Splinter smiled. “Judging by your reaction, I would say, yes.”

“I wanted to be thorough,” Donnie fibbed a little. “So you would have all the information you needed.”

Splinter tilted his head to the side. “Are you sure that was the only reason? Or maybe there was something that struck a nerve and prompted you to dig deeper?” 

“There was something that grabbed my interest,” Donnie finally admitted. “But it’s not something that I want to get into.”

“I will respect that,” Splinter said bowing his head slightly. “All I ask is that you do not dismiss the possibility that I am right so easily.”

Donnie nodded in agreement. “I will… do more research into the matter.”

“You can do that. However, some answers cannot be found in a book and must be found within.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Donnie promised as he saw himself out. 

Struggles
Chapter 6

Donnie poked his head out of his lab. “Raph!” he called out, hoping he wasn’t going to have to search for his brother. 

“What?” came Raph’s grunted reply. 

 “Can… can you come here,” Donnie hollered back. “I need your help with something.”

Raphael emerged from the dojo. From the look of him he had been working out. Raph shook out his tired muscles and stretched his neck as he made his way across the lair. He was wearing nothing more than a pair of shorts. The rest of his gear had been removed to be washed and mended. 

Donatello was captivated his brother’s movements, the swagger in his step, the way his large muscles moved and flexed. It filled him with a desire that was greater than the need spring brought every year. Donatello could watch Raph all day if it was possible. His heart raced, knowing that he had full access to that body, a fact that he intended on taking full advantage of. 

“What do you need?” Raph asked as he got close. 

Donnie felt his temperature rise and licked his lips. “I need to take a few measurements.” 

Raph lifted an eye ridge. “Of what?”

A sudden rush of embarrassment overcame Donatello. He couldn’t keep his mind on the science of the situation when Raph was involved. Donnie stifled a giggle and had to look down to hide how flushed he was. “Of parts of you.” He knew very well what his experiment was going to lead to. It was unavoidable. Once he got Raph worked up to get when he needed, Donnie would have to make sure Raph got his happy ending. “One part of you actually.” Donnie’s heart was pounding. “It will require you to remove those shorts.”

“Oh?” Raph chuckled. “I wonder what part of me you want to measure that has you blushing like a virgin.”

“It’s for science.” Donnie playfully pushed Raph away. “Are you gonna help me or not?”

“Well if it’s for science.” Raph placed his finger under Donnie’s chin and tilted Donnie’s head back so that they were looking in each other in the eyes. “How could I say no to you?” He leaned forward for a soft kiss. Donnie could taste an underlying desire in that kiss, a desire that rivaled his own. 

His head was swimming and he could have lost himself in the kiss. But then he remembered Splinter’s rules. Pulling away, Donnie looked around to see if anyone saw them. “Not out here.”

“Then let’s move into the lab.” Raph started to walk into the lab but Donnie grabbed his arm. 

“Wait. My room will be better.”

Raph smiled. “To your room then.”

“Meet me in there.” Donnie said as he backed into his lab. “There are a few things that I need to grab first.”

Raph nodded. “Okay.”

Back in his lab, Donnie grabbed a plastic tape measure, pen, and note pad. A huge grin was on his face the whole time. Just the thought of being with Raph made him giddy with excitement. 

Once he had all that he needed, Donnie rushed to his room. He threw open the door to find Raph lounging on his bed. The sight took Donnie’s breath away. 

Raph’s shorts were already removed and lay on the floor. His tail was resting casually on the bed between his parted legs. He smiled up at Donnie and gestured down to his tail with a sweeping motion of his hand. “Measure away.”

“Don’t you want to know what this is for?” Donnie asked as he made his way to the bed. 

“Maybe later.” Raph shrugged. “You’ll be messing with my junk for the first time in about a month. That’s all I care about right now.” With a wide smile, Raph wiggled his tail. “Have at it.”

Donnie chuckled. “You’re incorrigible. You know that?”

Sitting on the bed between Raph’s legs, Donnie reached down to thumb over Raph’s cloaca. It didn’t take much to arouse Raph. His penis slipped free, his tip opening as his shaft got harder and longer. Donnie studied the purple appendage, sliding his fingers along the heated flesh to stimulate it to a full erection. It had to be at its peak for Don to get proper measurements.  

Raph bucked and swiveled his hips in order to press his penis against Donnie’s hand. Out of curiosity, Donnie leaned forward and licked the inner folds of Raph’s flared tip to taste his brother’s salty essence. It was something he had been longing to do for a while. Raph gasped, followed by a deep churr. His hand came up to rest on Don’s thigh and he bucked his hips, requesting more. 

Donatello licked and gently sucked the more sensitive areas of Raph’s tip while his hand slid along the shaft. He loved the noises Raph made to indicate his pleasure. Raph’s penis throbbed and a clear liquid seeped from his tip, indicating that he was close to completion. Donatello knew he had to stop or he would never get his measurements. 

When Don pulled away, Raph let out a slight whimper and squeezed Don’s thigh. “I’ll be quick,” Donnie promised and picked up his measuring tape. 

Donnie measured Raph’s length and girth, in several places, as well as how wide he flared. The whole time Donnie worked, Raph squeezed and rubbed Don’s thigh. “It’s not fair that you’re still wearing pants,” he pointed out after a while.

Don tried to swat Raph’s hand away. “I need to focus on this right now and you’re making it incredibly difficult.” 

Raph slid his hand along the back of Donnie’s thigh and squeezed his ass. “Good. How much longer is this gonna take? I really need you to finish what you started.”

Donnie quickly wrote down the last of the measurements and then got up off the bed. “I’m done.”

“Good,” Raph husked. “Now get undressed, get back into bed and thank me properly.”

Running his bottom lip through his teeth, Donnie placed his note pad on the desk, stripped, and rushed back over to Raph. 

As soon as Donnie was on the bed, Raph was on top of him. They kissed while their hands roamed, every touch igniting a need within Donnie. Settling down between Donnie’s legs, Raph made it clear what he wanted to do. 

Conflicted, Donnie started to feel a rise in panic. He didn’t want to disappoint or worse, anger, Raph by rejecting him but he didn’t want to have sex. He wasn’t ready. 

Raph must have sensed the change in Donnie because he stopped. Raising himself up, Raph looked down at him. “You okay? You’ve tensed up.” 

“I’m sorry,” Donnie whimpered and his eyes stung with tears. “I don’t want to have sex. We can do other things, just not sex.”

“Okay,” Raph said softly, caressing Don’s cheek. “It’s okay.” He moved off of Donnie to lie next to him. “What do you want to do?”

Donnie sat up and coaxed Raph onto his back. Licking his lips he leaned over Raph and placed his hand on Raph’s chest. “I can continue what I was doing earlier.”

“Okay,” Raph nodded. He placed his hand on Donnie’s thigh and squeezed. “That was good.”

Donnie leaned down and began licking Raph’s tip. Raph responded with a sharp intake of breath and another squeeze of his hand. Raph’s touch coupled with his permeating musk filled Donnie’s senses, causing his tail to tremble and drip in anticipation. It wasn’t long before his body was demanding attention. 

Raph’s hand drifted up and was soon cupping Donnie’s butt. Then his fingers dipped down to slide under Donnie’s tail. Tensing, Donnie flattened his tail, hard against his body to prevent Raph from going any further. 

“I want to touch you, Don,” Raph pleaded. “I want to make you feel good too. Just think of it as me fingering your ass. Or go get your thing. We can use it again. You know I don’t want any encounter between us to be one sided. I don’t want you to deny yourself.” With a smirk he tugged on Donnie. “Get up here so I can rim you ass. I’ve always wanted to sixty-nine.”

Donnie was hesitant, but his body’s demands outweighed his insecurities. Trembling, he shifted his position so that his knees were on either side of Raph’s head and his tail was over Raph’s face. Raph’s arms wrapped around Donnie’s hips and pulled him down enough so that he could run his tongue along Don’s cloaca. 

The soft warmth of Raph’s tongue caused Donnie to tremble. As much as he enjoyed it, he hated it and he wished it was different. He loved the way Raph made him feel but he wish it could be done another way. ‘He’s rimming me,’ he repeated in his mind over and over until he made himself believe. 

He allowed himself to be lost in the sensation and tried not to think about the details. What little thought remained, he used it to focus on pleasuring Raph. His hands squeezed and stroked the shaft while his tongue and lips lavished the tip with attention. 

Soon Donnie’s mind fogged and all that was left was the giving and receiving of pleasure until completion. 

When they were both thoroughly satisfied, they snuggled up against each other. Donnie rested, nestled against Raph’s side with his head in Raph’s shoulder and a soft smile on his lips. He would rather get up, clean himself off and lay on his back to cool off but Raph had pulled him close. Donnie was in such a good place and so relaxed that he was willing to give in, for the time being. 

Raph sighed in content. “Alright. So why did you need to measure my junk?”

“I’ve finally managed to get my hands on everything I need to make a… uh… reusable fe… female,” Donnie hated using that word, “condom of sorts. This way I won’t have to ask you guys to put a condom on in the heat of the moment. I will insert it and it will be a barrier and prevent insemination. I needed to know how big you are so I make sure it’s big enough. As long as Leo and Mikey aren’t vastly bigger than you, what I make should work for all of you.”

Raph snorted. “Since you’re using my measurements, there will be more than enough room for them.”

Donnie chuckled. He had expected Raph to say something along those lines. He absentmindedly ran his fingers along the center line of Raph’s plastron. He liked the way Raph’s plastron dipped in at his abdomen, just another trait that carried over from natural turtles.

“Do you believe in reincarnation?” Donnie asked out of the blue. 

Raph shrugged in response. “I don’t know. Why?”

“It’s just…,” Donnie sighed. “I’ve been talking to Master Splinter about a few things and it’s caused me to evaluate the possibilities.”

“I’m not the one to discuss the philosophy of such things with,” Raph said. “Maybe this is conversation that is best suited to have with Leo.”

“Maybe I will,” Donnie replied. 

As the euphoria faded, the need to be clean dominated Donnie’s senses. He tilted his head up and kissed Raph’s cheek before getting up. “I’m gonna shower.”

“I need a nap,” Raph mumbled back, his eyes half closed. “I’m exhausted.”

“Okay.” Donnie leaned down and pressed a soft kiss to Raph’s lips. “I love you.”

Raph’s eyes opened and his face lit up with a smile. “I love you too.”

Struggles 
Chapter 7

Donnie knocked softly on Leo’s door and then waited for a response. He needed someone to talk to about this whole reincarnation concept who wasn’t Splinter. Since Raphael didn’t like getting philosophical, Leo was the next best choice. 

“Come in,” Leo answered. 

Donnie opened the door and peeked inside. The room was a perfect reflection of their leader. Nothing was out of place. Items of his former outfit were neatly stored away or hung on the wall. Books were placed on a refurbished case. Donnie was fairly certain that Leo had them in a particular order. The bed was made and the room smelled of incense. 

Donnie closed the door behind him. “Can I talk to you about something?”

Leo was sitting on the floor in a way that told Donnie that he had been meditating. For the life of him, Donnie could not understand the appeal. There were more productive things that could be done with his time than sitting on the floor half asleep. In Donnie’s mind, it was a waste of time that could be used for science. 

With a nod of his head, Leo indicated the spot on the floor in front of him. “Have a seat. There are a few things I want to talk to you about as well, but you first.” He waited for Donnie to sit down before asking, “Does this have to do with father’s theories about us being reincarnated?”

Donnie couldn’t say that he was surprised. Of course Splinter has discussed his theories with Leonardo. They were of like minds. Donnie nodded. “I was wondering what you thought about it.”

“Splinter had me read what you had given to him.” Leo looked off to the side in thought. “I will admit that I did feel a connection to them, particularly Yoshi’s son. It was all hauntingly familiar.”

“Have you considered the possibility that the connection you felt was nothing more than just wishful thinking?” Donatello didn’t mean to so blatantly dismissive but he had to explore all possibilities. 

Leo scoffed as if he had expected that sort of response from Donnie. “I had considered that possibility, yes. But I’ve always had a closer bond to father. This could explain why. And he feels the same.” Leo chewed his bottom lip for a moment before asking. “Didn’t you feel a connection to one of them?”

Donnie took a deep breath and then nodded his head. “The general’s son.”

“You didn’t have much information about the general or his wife in the files.” Leonardo looked knowingly at his brother. “How much research do you have on them?”

Donnie pushed his glasses up and then set his hands in his lap. “I had extensively researched them. I know everything there is to know about them. But I’m still not sure if I believe that they were my parents in a past life.”

“What happened to the general?” Leo asked. “You left that part out of the reports you gave to Splinter. Was he blamed for the theft if the mutagen?”

Donnie nodded. “Since there was no evidence that his home had been broken into, they assumed that he was working with the thieves and he was court-martialed. He spent the rest of his life in a military prison, dying in the mid-nineties.”

Leonardo shook his head in sorrow. “That poor man. What happened to his wife?”

“The general was transferred to the United States to serve out his sentence,” Donnie answered. “His wife followed him here so that she could visit as often as possible. When he died, she did her best to make a life for herself. She’s alive and well working for Child Protective Services here in New York.”

Leo sat in silence for a moment, waiting for Donnie to say more. When Donnie didn’t say anything, Leo leaned forward. “She lives here in New York?”

“Yeah,” Donnie replied then, not wanting to talk about it anymore, decided to change the subject. “Wasn’t there something you wanted to talk about?” 

“Okay, Donnie,” Leo didn’t press the topic any further. Taking a deep breath, he sat up straighter. “I have decided that I no longer want to contribute to your pain. Next Spring I will do my best to control my urges and stay away.”

Tilting his head to the side, Donnie reached out and placed a reassuring hand over Leo’s. “You don’t have to do that.”

“Yes I do,” Leo interrupted. 

“No you don’t,” Donnie insisted. “I have come up with a way to prevent insemination that won’t interfere with the mating process. I have all the data and supplies I need to see it through. You don’t need to suffer on my behalf.”

“You suffer for us,” Leo argued. His eyes were wet with tears he refused to shed. Donatello had no idea that it affected him so much. “I can’t do that to you anymore, Donnie.”

“I’m driven to do it too,” Donnie pointed out. “I’m not suffering during the process. And the… pain that happens afterwards…, I’m taking care of that. Hopefully, I won’t have to worry about it anymore.” 

Leo lifted an eye ridge. “Hopefully?”

Donnie looked down at the ground. He hated talking about these things, admitting to what made him different and drawing it to the surface. “Turtles can store sperm.” He was usually detailed whenever he explained things to his brothers, sometimes overly detailed, but with this he tended to keep it as simple and non-descriptive as possible. 

“For how long?”

“Up to two years.” Donnie glanced up at Leo and shrugged. “I don’t know if I can or not. I won’t know… until… mid-June. But at least I can start the process of making sure no more is collected. I’ve gotten everything started and should have a finished product within the week.” He felt himself blush. “I’ll probably have Raph help me test it.”

Leo smiled, “Things are going well between the two of you then?”

A giddy feeling came over Donnie and there was nothing he could do to stop himself from smiling. “He’s been great.”

“It’s good to see you so happy,” Leo said, his eyes sparkling with joy. 

“He makes me happy,” Donnie admitted. 

Shaking his head, Leo sighed. “You and Raph are an item now. Mikey and I shouldn’t….”

“It’s okay,” Donny assured him. “Raph and I have talked about this at length. He understands that it’s different with you and Mikey than it is with him. And he knows what that driving need is like. He’s not about to leave you and Mikey to suffer through it.”

“I just wish….” Leo shrugged his shoulders. “Why can’t it be satisfied with what I can do on my own?”

“Because the instinctive need is to spread your seed,” Donnie pointed out. “You can’t do that by yourself. Besides,” Donnie smiled, “having someone with you makes it more enjoyable.”

“For you maybe,” Leo countered. “I find it to be more enjoyable on my own.”

“You can’t use what you’ve done with me as a basis for comparison,” Donnie said. “We tend to detach ourselves from the situation. When you’re with someone out of want and not just to satisfy a carnal need, and when you leave yourself emotionally vulnerable, it heightens the experience. You might actually enjoy it.”

“But I don’t want that,” Leo argued. “I have no desire to be with someone else, even if it were an option. Just the thought of being with someone in that way is….”

Donnie held up his hands. “Okay. I understand. I just wanted to make sure you weren’t making that decision because of the situation we are in.”

“I know myself better than that.” Leo leaned back a little and crossed his arms over his plastron. “What if I turned that logic back on you?” When Donnie looked at him in confusion, Leo leaned forward again to look Donnie in the eyes. “Are you sure you don’t simply want to identify as male because if you were male you wouldn’t have to suffer as much?” 

Donnie felt as if his heart had hit his stomach. No longer able to maintain eye contact with Leo, he looked off to the side. “Alright I get it.”

“I’m sorry, Donnie,” Leo said, his voice full of regret as he rubbed the top of his head. “I shouldn’t have said that.”

“It’s okay.” Donnie reached up and wiped away a tear. “It was a valid argument and it helped to make your point.” Getting to his feet, Donnie awkwardly made his way to the door. “I gotta get back to work.”

Leo looked up at him. There was sorrow in his eyes. “I didn’t mean to hurt you, Donnie.”

“It’s okay.” Donnie forced a smile. “I shouldn’t have made assumptions about you. I’m sorry.” Opening the door, Donnie stepped half way through and then looked back. “I’ll talk to you later.” Leo nodded from his spot on the floor as Donnie stepped out and closed the door behind him.